Brothers and Sisters of Perpetual Discernment

LuLi

2009-02-04T11:57:00.004-06:00

Since Mother Frangelico and Father are NO WHERE to be found, Sr. Perpetua, Sr. Caprice, and I started rehabbing the shed in the back into a make-shift barn. We talked with some of the neighbors in the area and they gave us names and numbers of people that we could contact for hay and feed for the horse. Many offered their services free since we are non-profit and promised we would pray for their intentions. Sr. Caprice actually knows how to handle horses! Who knew??? Seems that Sr. Caprice had family that raised horses and she used to visit them often.

We contacted the Schmidt’s and Mr. Schmidt (Horace) came over with his 3 boys (Harold, Harvey, and Harry) and helped us renovate the shed. Sr. Caprice named the Lippizzaner ‘Lucky Lipps’ (LuLi for short) and has been working with him every day. Sr. Caprice has Luli running through barrels and over hedges. How she stays on him, I don't know. She said he's 21 hands high - but he looks a lot more like 8 feet ... and WHY do you measure horses in 'hands' rather than feet???

Sr. Perpetua has created a design for the yard – where to put the benches, size of the track, fencing, etc. I have been calling companies and businesses to get free advertising for the Dog and Horse show. There will also be a circus in a nearby town that week and I was hoping we could get some advice regarding rodeo clowns. I thought that might be fun for the kids.

Sr. Caprice and Sr. Perpetua will send an update when they can. We’ve all been very busy – by the time we are done with chores and clearing the yard, we are exhausted & usually go straight to bed. Let me tell you, it’s been awfully nice to get away from the BINGO scene! If I hear one more person yelling … BIN…oh! Don’t say it!!!

Vocations Dog and Pony Show!

2009-01-30T17:04:00.002-06:00

I was just reading the blog for Fr. Kyle Schnippel in Cincinnati, he's the Vocations Director there, and thanks to him, I have just gotten a COMPLETELY BRILLIANT PLAN!

Here's what he said to give me the idea:

Well, homily ideas for the weekend are always appreciated, too; but I think it is the Vocation Dog and Pony Show, so don't expect too much.

It seems as though Cincinnati is having a Dog and Pony Show to raise awareness for Vocations. I'm sure they have a budget and everything, but why can't we do the same thing, but on a smaller scale?

I love horses and dogs, and around here, there are all KINDS of people who love animals. We don't even have to limit it to dogs and ponies, although maybe that might make it easier. Because if we let in cats and dogs together, the dogs would chase the cats and really upset everything.

Anyway, I don't know what they do over there, and I might send an email to see how they set up their thing, but here's what I think WE should do: ask the people in the churches here if they have horses and dogs, and we can maybe get some space at the Fairgrounds, or if not there, maybe one of the local farms will donate their arena. Then we can have people show their horses and ponies, and that can raise money for the Serra Club and the Seminary and and...the Laboure Society! Or maybe set up a separate endownment or easement or whatever it's called, for Vocations!

I LOVE this idea! Let's get started! I'm going to see if someone will lend me a horse to show....!

Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor...

2009-01-26T11:03:00.005-06:00

As Adoro stated in her response to an earlier post, the Corporal Works of Mercy has nothing to do with the linens at Mass. Thank you, Adoro! I would have been completely lost if it not for your comment.

Since Sr. Perpetua came back, she and I talked and she gave me a book from the Monatery library regarding the Corporal Works of Mercy. How little I know about our faith!

The seven practices of charity toward our neighbor, based on Christ’s prophecy of the Last Judgment, that will determine each person’s final destiny:
1) Feed the hungry
2) Give drink to the thirsty
3) Clothe the naked
4) Shelter the homeless
5) Visit the sick
6) Visit those in prison
7) Bury the dead

And Sr. Perpetua has helped to start this in the prison in South America. It sounds an awful like the Beatitudes. I have so much to learn!

Sr. Perpetua - can you teach me?

Imprisoned and Free

2009-01-23T21:28:00.003-06:00

Greetings, everyone!

I apologize for my long absence. I was supposed to be back a little after Christmas, but there was a delay in the legal system that kept me in San Salvador.

Here's what happened:

There was a group of us on a couple of buses headed from El Salvador to the state of Chiapas in Mexico. We weren't there to be political, but to help on medical missions and other types of missions that were in place to work with the people in those countries. The buses we were on weren't for missionaries, but were just average routes. I spent part of it holding on to a bag of chickens for the campesina who sat across the aisle from me!

Anyway, just before we passed into Mexico, a couple of tourists got on board, and shortly after that, the bus was stopped.

A group of armed men boarded, all wearing black, wearing black berets, holding really big guns. The woman next to me smarted off to them, and when they responded, she told them that she didn't have to cooperate because she was an American citizen.

They hauled both she and I off the bus, along with a few other people, and took everything we had. We watched the other bus go by, and I saw Mother Frangelico watching.

There ws nothing she could do to help us. The bus didn't stop.

The woman I was with, even though I didn't want to be with her, kept pulling me into her trouble. Neither of us spoke a lot of Spanish, and finally (Deo Gratias!) we were separated. I think I managed to convince them that the stupid blonde (um, sorry Mother Frangelico_ and I weren't together.

Nor were either of us criminals. If she'd kept her mouth shut, we both would have been passed over, but she made a scene, and she kept making a scene. I don't know who she was with, but in any case, we both got sent to a prison in San Salvador, in chains and shackles and the whole bit. It was terribly dramatic. One would think we were both horrible terrorists.

Everyone goes into prison that way.

I was really angry at first. I couldn't get word to Mother Frangelico, or to the group we were with. The prison had a chaplain, but I couldn't get a message to him or the bishop.

Well, there was a woman there who could help, and she knew the system and got a message through the guard to someone who was visiting someone else. That person took a message to the local parish priest, and he took the message to the Bishop.

The Bishop himself came to see me, and we talked about many things. He couldn't get me out, so he advised me to do what I could while I was there.

And again, at first I was really angry. I didn't care that the Bishop came to see me. I was angry that he wasn't doing anything to get me out. At least from my perspective. I even YELLED at him! And he didn't do anything. He wasn't anything but nice to me.

After I was taken back to the prison yard, I had some time to think, and he was right. So I started looking around, and there were all kinds of people in all kinds of situations. Some were there because they were supposed to be there. But so many were there because they'd offended this or that "authority". Some really awful things happened to some of them. I'd rather never speak of it, although maybe one day I'll have to, and I'm grateful those things didn't happen to me.

When they finally came to get me out, I didn't want to leave. That was true. It wasn't because it was so great there, but I didn't want to go and leave those people behind. They finally explained to me that I could do more for the prisoners if I left, and if they could, they'd find a way to send me back in a different way.

Well, the authorities wanted me to be in SOMEONE'S custody, so they allowed me into the custody of the Bishop, under the condition that I had to remain in his household or the associated convent. He placed me with the Sisters who lived there, a couple different communities. There was a lot I didn't understand, of course, although I'd learned a lot in prison, most of it things I shouldn't have been saying!

The Superior there was constantly in shock, even though I didn't know what I was doing wrong! But there was a novice there who spoke some English and was able to explain to Mother Superior that I really wasn't so profane, just had learned prison Spanish and didn't know any better. She was charged with teaching me proper Spanish so whever I said something I shouldn't have, she corrected me and if necessary, even wrote the phrase, even though she was blushing madly when she did it.

So over the last few months, I've really gotten to know the Sisters, and their work, and they do a lot of amazing things for the poor there. The Bishop has been wanting to start a prison ministry, and so had the Sisters. I became a link as I'd come from there.

I WAS supposed to come back here, but since the government of El Salvador wouldn't let me leave yet, the Bishop persuaded them to allow me to work with the Sisters, under their supervision, and they started a prison ministry.

For now, I'm back here in the US for further discernment, but I may be going back to El Salvador, to join the Sisters and work with them. I already feel like they're family to me.

But as Mother Frangelico, Father, and the Bishop have said, it's important that I have time away since the experience as a prisoner has tainted my own discernment. They want me to be around what is familiar, to be, well, maybe "deprogrammed".

I still have nightmares of a lot of things, and the things that happened to others, things that I saw. Not all of them while I was in prison, but some while working with the Sisters.

So for now, I'm back here at the Monastery, still discerning...happy to be back with my Sisters and Brothers.

And Dang it, where ARE the Brothers and Father?

Nightmare!

2009-01-23T19:01:00.002-06:00

I had the worst nightmare last night....

I dreamt that I was locked inside of the Monastery and no matter where I went, every door was locked! I felt as if someone was watching me because the hair on the back of my head was standing on end. I kept hearing these noises - eerie noises.

I'm glad it was only a dream.

Sr. Caprice - have you seen Father or Mother Frangelico?
Do you think they went down to see Sr. Perpetua?

New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-21T12:59:00.004-06:00

Since the New Year's fiasco, Mother Frangelico has ensured that I am kept busy at all times of the day - from wake up to lights out. She has also signed me up for daily 'classes'. They are like a Catholic Catechism, but for religious.

My first assignment - the Corporal Works of Mercy.

At first I thought it was related to the military (you know, 'corporal') - but there is no connection.
*sigh*

Can anyone help me?

The New Year - Sr. Maxine Style

2009-01-01T18:25:00.003-06:00

I'm in big Trouble - with a Capital 'T'! Okay, so that's not unusual lately.

It all started when my Uncle Max came to visit and Mother Frangelico and Father allowed me some time out of the Monastery to visit with him. We decided to travel to a nearby state to a small town and celebrate the New Year (and no, Sr. Caprice, not the 'state of confusion!').

Mother Frangelico and Father have been visiting and speaking at nearby Churches & cities within the state to increase the visibility of our Monastery and the Catholic Faith. Because of this, they have been extremely busy and away quite often every week.

Uncle Max and I decided to go out for lunch New Year's Eve to Circus Circus, a place he frequents when he goes on vacation. As we were walking around, we saw a sign for one of the shows that evening called the 'Flying Elvis'' and low and behold, our waiter was Elvis #9. He has been flying since he was a teenager and was taught by his father who retired from the show. He told us that his father actually met Elvis. (way cool!)

Manuel, our waiter, gave us tickets to the bulls-eye seating. We hope that Manuel's aim is good and he is right on target. My uncle and I couldn't wait until that evening to see Manuel in his uniform. Manuel talked about his first attempts at skydiving and some of the wonderful experiences during his career. He is only a waiter for fun - he enjoys meeting people and telling them about the show to get a bigger crowd.

That evening, my uncle and I took our seats. It was so exciting to see each of the men leap out of the plane, watch them as they dance in the sky with the flares, and land one by one in the target zone. One of the Elvis', I think it was #5, waved a sign on the way down promoting his Elvis show on New Year's Day. It was so fun to see how he landed with this huge sign on his back.

This gave me a great idea....and I looked at Uncle Max, he looked at me - we both had the same idea! What a way to help Mother Frangelico and Father promote the Monastery! After the show, we had to talk with Manuel!

It was all planned - the site, the sign, the plane. Uncle Max and I would both jump with Manuel and some of his friends. Each of us (5 total) would carry a sign on New Year's Day. We were so excited! Manuel talked with his friends and the company, they would all offer us their services free of charge because it was for such a great cause - God!

Uncle Max & I met at the skydiving company at 10:00am. We had to take a class to prepare us for what was to come. The more we learned, the more excited we became. Mother Frangelico would be so proud of us! Manuel's friend, Boris, was making the signs so they would be ready by 3:00pm, the time we would start our adventure.

Everything was going as planned. The class went well, the signs were made, the plane was ready, and our skydiving packs were prepared. Now we had to get into our suits. They took us one by one into a back room to help us get our suits on. Uncle Max came out wearing a black suit with a bright blue stripe down the sides. Manuel wore a dark blue suit with yellow markings. I went back and was horrified. The only suit they had left for a girl was bright pink! I grudgingly put it on and walked out to the lobby looking like a big pink Easter bunny! My uncle took one look at me and tried to stuff the laughter, but the tears that came out of his eyes were dead give aways.

We all entered the plane and took off for our adventure to help the Monastery.

As we reached 15,000 feet, the assistant opened the side door. Manuel exited first with his camera so he could film everyone coming down with their signs and would post it on his website to promote the Monastery. Boris went next, followed by Uncle Max, then me, then 2 of their friends.

The day was beautiful - and the sites - you could see everything from up there! It was so peaceful! I could understand why people enjoy skydiving! It's only God and you!

I saw Manuel's parachute open, then my uncle's. 5 more seconds ... and I could pull mine. The parachute opened and I was slowly sailing down toward the earth. I pulled the cord to open the sign attached to my back and practiced turning and flaring. I could see the five of us drifting with our signs flying behind us. As we drifted toward the DZ (drop zone), there was a crowd waiting for us to land. How wonderful! The signs apparently worked - but I was so amazed that they would work so quickly.

We all landed safely, I flared just at the last moment and landed on the ground like I was walking down a set of steps. The canopy drifted down behind me. Several people from the company met us so they could get us unhooked and the packs off.

We waited in the lobby as Manuel and a friend of his reviewed the video and prepared one for me to take with me back to the Monastery. I couldn't wait to see the look on Mother Frangelico's face when she saw how we helped her and Father build up the Faith and interest in the Monastery.

Manuel handed me the video but said the viewer in the lobby was broken and we would not be able to see the video but said it all came out so well. He would post it on his website that evening.

My uncle and I returned to the hotel. We had such a wonderful surprise! Mother Frangelico and Father were there! They just happened to be visiting and decided to travel a bit during a break from the mini-retreat given by several Archbishops regarding evangelism and the Catholic Faith. But I noticed neither one of them were smiling. At first I figured that it was that the retreat was not going well, but then when they were asking me about the event, actually drilling me is more the word, it seemed they were getting more angry the more I explained.

They asked how I came up with such a lame-brain idea and about the signs, so I explained everything. I handed them the video that Manuel made us and they wanted to see it immediately. Father talked with the manager and was able to find a room with a TV and DVD player so we could all watch.

The music starting out was wonderful - Handel's Messiah, Alleluia Chorus. My uncle still tried to hold back bouts of laughter when he saw my pink bunny suit, I think I saw tears in Mother Frangelico's eyes as well. *sigh*

Manuel had close-ups of each of the signs. The first one - 'Come Visit the Monastery'.
The second - 'Call: 866-555-1234 Come-and-See'. The Third - 'God's email - Prayer. Pray Often'. I couldn't see why Mother F. and Father were getting so upset. The signs were great! But then the last signs were shown. We were all horrified!

'Catholics - a Closer to God'
'Meet a Nun and Have a Fiend for Life'

I am now not allowed to exit the premises of the Monastery unless Mother Frangelico or Father are with me. Mother Frangelico and Father are now trying to get the video off of the internet. They have received so many calls that they are unsure of how to handle this entire fiasco.

My only duty now - Bingo!

New Year and New News!

2009-01-01T11:16:00.003-06:00

Happy New Year and Blessed Feast of the Theotokos to you all!

Christmas is always such a beautiful season, but this year it had such a pall of sadness, given what we've all experienced over the last several months, and in our "loss" of Sr. Perpetua. But even in our sadness, we found the joy that is the Christ Child, for, as Mother Frangelico pointed out, we are invited not just to be joyful, but to know the suffering of the Holy Family. We now know exile, and Sr. Perpetua knows real hardship.

I have news on that front, but just wait...I'm saving that for last!

Anyway, the Monastery is decorated for Christmas, and some very kind benefactors gave us a tree from their own property, and their family came to help us decorate. As we had no ornaments, the children helped us to make new ones, and our local parish gave us all sorts of things and invited us into their own homes to celebrate Christmas. We did honor the invitations, but our main celebration has, in the monastic style, gone on here at the Monastery. There will be more on that, but I can't wait any longer to give you the news!

Mother Frangelico received a phone call from the Bishop! In working with the US Consulate and the Bishop and a Priest, they have managed to get Sr. Perpetua released from prison!

But here's the strange part...she didn't want to go!

But the prison officials were not amused and just as they forced her into the prison (well, she'd gone humbly), they had to "force" her out. They took her immediately to the Bishop's own residence, where there are some Sisters who live in one of the wings (to run his household and serve at the Cathedral). They took her in and His Excellency took some time with our dear Sister, very concerned for her welfare, and very apologetic of course that she'd been treated so badly by his own countrymen. The people throughout Latin America are very hospitable and were absolutely horrified at what happened to her...and all the people who are imprisoned so unjustly, as so often happens there. It is an event of incredible joy when a prisoner is released.

Well, as it was, he was shocked by Sr. Perpetua's behavior, not wanting to leave the terrible conditions in the prison, and he thought maybe it was an Athanasius...no? Um...OK, Sr. Maxine tells me it's the Anastasia Syndrome, where the prisoner begins to identify with her captors. Well, apparently that wasn't it.

Sr. Perpetua saw an opportunity for service in the prison, and that's how she carried out her sentence! She wants to stay down there!

It seems that they are going to send her back for now, but the Bishop is very impressed with her, and communicated some things to our local Bishop, who in turn told Mother Frangelico. We aren't aware of what they discussed, only that Sister is coming back, but may not be with us for long.

They want her to recover and spend some time in discernment, and apparently Mother is to stay in contact with the Bishop. Something huge is happening, and hopefully we'll get Sister Perpetua's own story when she comes back.

It'll be a few days, and so we have time for the welcome she deserves on the Epiphany.

Could it be that Sister Perpetua isn't a perpetual discerner like the rest of us!

What cause for Joy!

Oh, and...I nearly forgot!!!!

2008-12-25T19:30:00.001-06:00

Merry Christmas!

Flambee or Flambe?

2008-12-25T18:15:00.004-06:00

*sigh*

Over the past couple months, Sr. Caprice has been trying to teach me how to cook. I thought I mastered the art of microwaving, however I quickly discovered that God did not present me with the passion for the preparation of processing provisions. As Sr. Caprice explained, I was the cause of the catastrophe.

It all started a couple months ago after everyone came back from their day out (and my free-day in the Monastery - are we EVER going to give this place a name?). Sr. Caprice freaked out because of a bug that was found in the hallway. She grabbed a can of Raid in one of the closets and nearly asphyxiated us by spraying nearly the entire can on one small harmless ant. She thought it was empty and mindlessly left it on the kitchen counter during one of our cooking sessions. The next day I was going through one of her cookbooks and saw a really cool recipe for Carmelized Bananas (also called flambe - I pronounced it like flum-bee, like a bumble bee). I wasn't sure what a 'flambe' was, but caramelized bananas sounded like a great treat on ice cream for a hot summer day.

So when she and Mother Frangelico went out to do the gardening, I was in charge of making lunch. Normally for lunch we have sandwiches or leftovers, which I heat up in the microwave - no problem, right? Wrong!

The Recipe:

BANANA FLAMBE
4 bananas

2 tbsp. brown sugar

2 tbsp. cognac

2 tbsp. butter

2 tbsp. sugar

2 tbsp. Tia Maria

Juice of 1 lemon

Juice of 2 oranges

Rind of 1 lemon, sliced

Whipped cream

Cinnamon
Place bananas, brown sugar, cognac and lemon juice. Marinate 15 minutes. Heat butter and sugar, cook until caramelized. When golden brown pour in orange juice; mix well. Cook 2 or 3 minutes. Stir constantly. Add banana mix to orange mix; add lemon rind and cook 1 minute. Pour in Tia Maria and flambe. Cook 1 minute on high. Add whipped cream and cinnamon.

Doesn't that sound just scrumptious? I found all the ingredients except for the Tia Maria. I had never heard of 'cognac' so I wasn't quite sure what it was, but I found a nearly full bottle hidden in one of the cupboards, way behind the good bowls on the very top shelf in the kitchen. I combined the bananas, brown sugar, cognac, and lemon juice. Since I am not able to use the stove or oven yet, I heated everything in the microwave. When I took them out, it looked a bit runny, so I added more of the cognac stuff and put it back in the microwave. It turned a light shade of brown, which I figured was carmelized. I added the brown sugar & orange juice and put it back into the microwave for 2 minutes.

As the flambe was cooking, I started setting the table. I found a drawer full of candles & holders and thought it would be a nice touch for a quiet lunch. However, I went to check on the flambee and looked - it was still cooking. I thought that was odd, but quickly dismissed the thought and continued to set the table and get the rest of lunch ready.

After I had the plates & silver set, I lit the candles. I heard some sputtering in the kitchen so I went back to see how the bananas were doing. I placed the candles on the counter, pulled the mixture out of the microwave and put it on the counter. When all of a sudden the entire thing exploded! It looked like a fireworks show. The kitchen quickly went up into flames!

I quickly grabbed the fire extinguisher on the counter & started spraying the mixture and anything else that was flaming. The fire billowed from the can - it looked like a fire-breathing dragon! It set the drapes and towels on fire. I looked at the canister I was holding - it was the can of Raid!

I couldn't reach the water from the sink because of the fire so I pulled one of the fire extinguishers off of the far wall, pulled the fire lever on the wall next to it, and hoisted the extinguisher on my hip. But by this time, the entire kitchen was engulfed in flames and the little fire extinguisher did nothing, not to mention I couldn't see & could barely breathe! I ran out of the kitchen into the hallway to get a breath of air - smoke & fire billowed from the kitchen.

I conceded trying to fight the flames and ran out of the Monastery. Mother Frangelico and Father ran over to see if I was okay. The fire trucks and ambulance came in about 2 minutes, but by that time, the entire first floor of the Monastery was in flames and it was heading up to the 2nd story. We all looked in horror at the sight.

After explaining all of this to Mother Frangelico & Father, my days of 'preparing' any meals is over. I have been completely banned from the kitchen, with the exception of peeling potatoes, which I will be doing for the rest of my LIFE!

(And, please pray for Sr. Perpetua! I can not imagine the horror she must be feeling to be in a strange country, not understand the language, and not understand why you are being detained. AND I am seriously praying that a firing squad is NOT issued! We need angelic protection and we need it fast!)

About. Sr. Perpetua

2008-12-23T22:18:00.003-06:00

Um...I left this out of the other post, but Mother Frangelico and Father both said I should deliver the news.

Sr. Perpetua is not with us.

We still don't have all the facts, but...um...she's in prison in Mexico. It had something to do with the Federales on the bus that they robbed, and we're not sure what she did or said, or if she did or said anything. We're really not at all certain of what has happened to her.

Mother Frangelico has spoken with our Bishop here, and the Bishop there, and they are working together to get her out. They think she might have been mistaken for a Marxist femmie leader, or maybe a drug dealer. If that's the case, it'll be tricky getting her out.

And keeping her away from the firing squad.

Oh...actually, Sr. Maxine reminded me that Sr. Perpetua is actually in San Salvador. Her "arrest" happened when we passed through, but we were on seperate buses.

Anyway, it's all the same, the language and jungle are the same, as far as this is concerned.

So please keep Sr. Perpetua in your prayers. The Firing Squad is a real possiblity and she didn't do anything!

We'll let you know what happens.

I think even the Benedictines are praying for her, because we told them, too. They're going to take action and send a squad of Protesters to the prison in San Salvador and to the School of the Americas in North Carolina (or wherever that is).

We're Baaaaaaaaaak!

2008-12-23T21:52:00.002-06:00

Greetings, everyone!

Even though we just got in the door, Mother Frangelico said I should jump on the computer and give an explanation for our absence for so long. It was a surprise to all of us.

First, it happened that we had a fire in the kitchen when Sr. Maxine was trying to cook up a surprise. She did her best, but things got out of control, and instead of grabbing the fire extinguisher, she grabbed a can of RAID I'd left nearby. Well, she sprayed the stove, and, well...let's just say it didn't end well.

She can tell the rest of that story, for she did quickly realize her mistake, even in her panic, and did take immediate action.

We all evacuated the monastery, and once the flames were put out, we went in to salvage what we could. There are restoration companies that can do a lot, and as far as personal belongings, we didn't have a lot, so no huge personal loss.

It DOES make our heart go out to those who have suffered house fires, though.

We were all taken in; Father just went to a nearby rectory (priests have it so easy..what's up with that?). We were taken into a local Benedictine monastery, and the guys...Brother Brit and Brother Gus...there was room for the at the rectory, too. So as it was, it worked out.

They had a good place, but, well, can I be honest? When we got the invite to stay with the Benedictines, we hesitated. Because, well, they have a "labyrinth", they practice "centering prayer" and "reiki" and have all sorts of New Age "devotions". Sr. Perpetua was especially freaked out by that, and didn't want to go at all.

But Mother Frangelico was stalwart, and as aways, practical. She chastized us and said that the offer of hospitality was both sincere and a part of the original Benedictine charism, and that we couldn't even consider not accepting. She also pointed out that even if those Sisters had left behind orthodoxy, they weren't without hope of conversion, and in fact, they were our Sisters, too. We needed to embrace them as they were embracing us, and they well knew what we were about, too and extended the invitation anyway.

So we realized she was right, and we were happy to meet the Benedictines.

They were kind and gracious. This particular community doesn't wear habits...stopped wearing them sometime in the 60's, so it really was like living with a bunch of spinster Aunts in a big mansion. But they were really nice and aunt-like, and we all got along really well as long as we didn't discuss theology.

That was kinda weird. But they showed us a lot of Benedictine customes, and they prayed the Liturgy of the Hours, too, but in the Benedictine tradition, which they showed us (they have a Benedctine Di-urinal. I thought only guys had those, but I guess the word had to come from somewhere. How derogatory, though!)

And the Sisters didn't expect us to walk the labyrinth or anything. In fact, although they invited us to different things they were doing, they didn't expect us to really follow, they just wanted to make sure we knew what they were doing.

Mother Frangelico went around a lot with pursed lips, but she was very gracious to them and very thankful, and as it was, our own community was able to live quite peacefully with the Sisters we had otherwise thought were insane.

As it turns out, they were normal women with really stupid ideas about God and who He is. (They keep calling Him "Mother"). I don't think they represent all Benedictines, though.

Anyway, these women were really into "social justice", and suddenly, Mother Frangelico got an idea; while we waited for our moastery to be rebuilt and remodeled, we could do our own social justice work!

She and Father looked into several options, and we ended up finding a group that needed a long-term committment. So we went down to Mexico to work in the barrios, and helped to give shots, offer food, sew clothing, raise funds...all sorts of stuff.

It was sad leaving the Benedictines, but they seemed more relieved than anything, but at least our parting was very friendly. I think we have a new understanding with them, which is nice.

But, if I can be honest...although they're like a bunch of Aunts, I guess I can see why no one is choosing to give up sex in order to be a New Age old maid. Personally, I think I could manage celibacy and be a spinster better without a bunch of other spinsters harping on me to do this or that all the time.

Oh...I have to go help Mother Frangelico bring in the groceries. The monastery looks great and has a new paint smell, and I love it.

More on what we did and where we were sent later. Sister Maxine might have a few things to offer, maybe even her side of the story.

See you later!

Freedom to run...amok!

2008-08-29T07:08:00.005-05:00

Shhhh!!!! I'm huntin' wabbit! haaaahaaaaahaaaaahaaaaahaaaaaa

Everyone is gone! Gone I tell you. Yeah! (Snoopy dance)
I have the entire monastery to myself!!!!
Oh, the freedom!

What shall I do first?

You know...I have ALWAYS wanted to do the slide that Tom Cruise does in 'Risky Business.'
I rolled up the rug in the hallway, dusted the floor (SOMEONE put all of the dirt UNDER the rug rather than picking it up with the dustpan), and then I played the air guitar. It was hysterical! I had so much fun! (of course, I was REALLY glad no one else was here to see me play the air guitar...or the slide).

Then I found LOTS of rubber bands. I shot them up into the rafters of the family area - I was trying to get them into all of the vases and urns that were up on the shelves. A couple times I completely missed and hit the light instead - but there were a few times when I made a 'slam dunk'! (and the crowd cheered!)

Mom F. asked me to mop the kitchen floor. Well, I've ALWAYS wanted to put the scrub brushes on my feet and skate...so I did! A couple times I almost fell completely on my bottom - but I caught myself on the island. Of course, I had to hike up my habit to my knees - but it was so much fun! I had suds EVERYWHERE! It reminded me of that episode of Brady Bunch where Peter cleans his own suit & puts the entire box of detergent in the washing machine. Bubbles, bubbles, everywhere!
The cleanup was also a big hit - I put towels down & slid them across the floor. Mop floor - DONE!

Now that I've played for hours inside - Time to play....OUTSIDE!!!

I have not been 'bug hunting' for quite some time. I miss going out on excursions with my Uncle Max. So, I went on an excursion with God - we went huntin'. We found some really cool spiders just outside the monastery doors.

You know, Walt Whitman wrote about spiders.

A noiseless patient spider,
I mark’d where on a little promontory it stood isolated,
Mark’d how to explore the vacant vast surrounding,
It launch’d forth filament, filament, filament out of itself,
Ever unreeling them, ever tirelessly speeding them.
And you O my soul where you stand,
Surrounded, detached, in measureless oceans of space,
Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing, seeking the spheres to connect them,
Till the bridge you will need be form’d, till the ductile anchor hold,
Till the gossamer thread you fling catch somewhere, O my soul.

It is so much fun watching a spider spin its web - the care and the preciseness of the job. Way cool!

I heard the katydids, I saw some hummingbirds (Sr. Caprice put up feeders for them a couple months ago), I even saw a deer. I tried to get close to it, but as I was inching along, I accidentally stepped on a twig, it broke under my foot, and the deer ran. What a graceful creature!

I spent the rest of the day outside, enjoying the sunshine, the beauty of God's earth and creatures. What a wonderful day!

I Wandered and I Wondered...

2008-08-20T12:42:00.003-05:00

Sr. Perpetua caught me daydreaming in Church today. It has been raining all night, actually it stormed all night, and raining all this morning. I turned toward the window during Holy Hour and let my mind wander. Before I knew it, Holy Hour was over and Mass was beginning. Sr. Perpetua elbowed me to stand for the Procession.

When we sat back down for the readings, I decided to take a brief look and I saw a glimpse of the sun. A butterfly landed on the windowsill, slowly flapping its wings. It was so beautiful to watch. The gold, brown, green, and blue colors on the wings shone like a rainbow in the sunshine. He seemed to want, no yearn, to be in with us during this Holy Sacrifice.

The clouds seemed to part, letting in the rays of sunshine like Heaven was just beckoning to be seen. I could just imagine the Saints and Angels flying about, celebrating with us. I wondered what it would be like to be that butterfly - to be free - a freedom we can only grasp at.

Then Sr. Perpetua elbowed me again for the Gospel reading. My side is getting really sore!

We sat down for the homily and all I remember was Father saying something about the wind and my eyes went back outside. My mind wandering on everything that has happened this year. My removal from all kitchen duties, and I started to laugh when I thought about Sr. Perpetua and I in the flour fight. Apparently I was snickering a little too loudly because Sr. Perpetua elbowed me AGAIN! I looked up and Father was staring directly at me. I tried to look innocent, but I don't think it worked.

He continued his homily. He was retelling the story of the Apostles in the boat and how Peter asked Jesus to save him when he started drowning in the water. Water....rain....outside.... Before I knew it, my eyes were back outside. This time, reliving the experience of the fireworks and how Brother Gus was burned. How helpless we all felt. If I could trade places with him, I would have. There were times when I begged God to let me have the pain, just to ease that of Brother Gus. But God must not have heard my prayer.

Yow! *oops* Sr. Perpetua elbowed me again. I was having a very difficult time concentrating. It seemed like everything was begging for my attention ... when I knew that Jesus' Sacrifice desired my attention, my undivided attention. Father was looking at me again, this time, I think Mother Frangelico heard it too. Man she elbows hard!

Concentrate on the Mass...I had to keep telling myself this. We knelt for the epiclesis & Consecration. I really wish Father had the Sanctus Bells to ring. It would certainly help to keep my mind focused on the events in front of me. But the window and the outside world keeps beckoning for my attention. Now there's a dove on the sill. I can hear it cooing through the pane.

Then my mind goes to Noah and how he sent the dove out to find land. Or when the dove was above Jesus' head when he was Baptized by St. John. How God loves the dove. The dove, a sign of the Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit....oh my! I missed the Consecration! *sigh* Forgive me, God. Help me to keep my mind on the task at hand.

It's Like Breaking Up!

2008-08-18T22:35:00.002-05:00

It's been really quiet around here, so sorry for that, from all of us, but we've all been away taking advantage of a "down time", visiting communities and stuff. And because some of what we do is s personal and private, it's just not something we write on the blog. Sometimes it's hard to keep the real "hard core" stuff to ourselves instead of blabbing it to the world.

But it's been a couple weeks now, and Mother Frangenico told me to write my experience, and I think I can do it without revealing the deepest things that stay between her and I.

Anyway...she finally said I was ready to visit a community for a "come and see" weekend, and it was one that the Sisters did publicly. Some of them are just for specific discerners, maybe on this or that weekend, but often they have them for "whoever" and that's what I attended. The more "private" ones tend to be for those who are discerning to that particular community...and the community agrees.

Well, it's one I was really interested in, had everything I wanted, was absolutely amazing, so I was SO EXCITED to be there! When I got there, it was just in time for Vespers and the Rosary, and I loved the silence over dinner while we listened to Spiritual Readings. And I got along GREAT with the Sisters! It was so homey to me!

Well, I left that weekend, but went back a couple weeks later, which was just a week ago. And it was just as wonderful, without all the others around. And we all got on great, and I was thinking this was finally "Home" for me! I loved Mother Mary Paul, and Sister Therese Frassati, and Sister Maria Caritas! We had such a blast, and all seemed to be going so well!

But I met with Mother, and...they don't feel I am called to their Community. She was really nice about it, and gave me kleenexes and stuff, but said that they think my "charisms" are not suited to their community, and that I would be happier and fulfill God's will somewhere else...and gave me a few suggestions.

And I couldn't stop crying. I only cried a little there, but mostly after I got back to the Monastery here. It's like I broke up with a fiance! His family doesn't like me!

* sniffle *

I can't believe they don't want me! I mean, we got along so well, we had a great time, prayer was wonderful...! Why don't they want me???????

If anyone is looking for me, I'll either be in my cell or in the chapel. I'm not hungry so don't look for me at dinner.

* sniffle *
*

The Monastery Bell Tower

2008-07-29T13:49:00.004-05:00

Summer is a busy season, and we've all been running ragged doing all sorts of different things. So this weekend, happy to have a break, we all had a cookout on the patio in back. Brother Gus is doing much better, the skin graft went well, and he is no longer afraid of losing his hand. And apparently he's not afraid of losing his head, either!

I'll explain.

It was a nice evening, and we were a bit drowsy from the good food and the couple beers we consumed during the cookout. Brother Brit was home visiting his family, Father had to leave to go to the hospital, and Mother Frangelico was visiting the Hawthorne Dominicans' Cancer Home.

Suddenly Brother Gus shot straight out of his chair and said, "Let's explore!"

We all looked at him like he was nuts (which he is a lot of the time...that's what makes him so much fun!) He looked around as if to be sure no one would hear, and then came over to where Sr. Caprice and I were sitting, motioning for Sr. Maxine to come over, too.

He and I had spoken before of our "previous lives" and urban exploration...that's where you go around the city and "explore" old buildings and stuff. Lots of times we had permission, but we did a lot of this without permission, too, and that's really where it gets dangerous. But..it was what it was. And we don't do it anymore. But still, once you're bitten by that particular bug, it never really goes away! So he and I were talking about the bell tower, because that ol' bell has been silent for quite awhile.

We'd asked Father about it, but he said that he was told the old rope had long rotted away, although the bell is still there. He would also like to restore it, but was told by the previous caretaker that the door into the tower was rusted shut or they lost the key or something. He didn't consider it a prime issue so hasn't pursued it, and wouldn't tell us where the entrance is.

Well, Brother Gus served Mass this week, and had to walk around a hallway behind the sanctuary on some errand for Father. There was a closet there and as he rustled around looking for whatever Father needed, he backed into an old ladder. When he found the light switch, he saw that the ladder went through a hatch to the roof, so he climbed it and pushed the hatch open...onto a landing on top of the chapel! And there he saw the entrance, about 20 feet away, to the bell tower.

Just then he heard Father coming so he quickly closed the hatch and found what was needed, didn't say a word to Father about it.

So, this is predictable, so I'll just say it...he wanted us to all go and explore the tower. We brought a can of WD-40 with us, because he could see that the door was rusty, and he had a crow-bar, too. Sister Maxine was all for it, had a couple jars for "specimens" of her favorite crawlie-things, but Sister Caprice tried to talk us out of it.

We got to the tower and actually didn't have a problem opening the door. In fact, as soon as we pulled on it, the hinges fell off! So...well, we KNEW we'd be in trouble but figured that we might as well hang for going as far as we could!

Brother Gus went in first, and as Sr. Maxine was about to follow, we heard a yell. We looked over and THERE WAS BROTHER BRIT! He'd just gotten back and saw us on the roof from the side driveway...and wanted to warn us. But as soon as he saw we were about to go up, he climbed up too, and wanted to go. We were all pretty blown away by that...he's as straight as an arrow, but I'll say this; he's a stand-up guy and has an adventurous side, too!

The tower is pretty big, but the old lighting still worked, so we had no problem seeing. Sister Maxine was a little disappointed; although there were cobwebs, there weren't a ton of spiders around althouh she hoped to find some further up. Sister Caprice was terrified and, as Mother Frangelico would say, "Her eyes were big as saucers!"

DANG that girl is WHITE! She was all eyes and pale!

Anyway, she hung around the bottom for awhile, but Brother Brit talked her into climbing to the next level, and I helped her step over to the floor. The tower was about 7 stories or so, each a little narrower, but we all made it up. You should SEE the view! And we did find the old rope...it was rotten, what was left, but the bell seemed fine.

Then Brother Gus, in true fashion, pushed the bell and it rang SO LOUD we all thought we were going to be blasted over the side! I think my ears are STILL ringing!

Well, it was starting to get dark out so we climbed down, and we KNOW that we're going to pay for this. Even if they DIDN'T discover we were up there, our neighbors now know and we are SO going to hear about this!

We tried to put the old rusty door back on, but it wouldn't even stay. So...we're just hoping that by the time Father and Mother Frangelico find out about our urban explorations, well, they'll be too busy to be angry.

What are the odds of that, d'ya think?

Sorry, We're Closed!

2008-07-24T16:13:00.006-05:00

An abortion clinic opened up across the street from the Monestary about a month ago. When they first opened, we thought it was a group doctor's office - private practice. They seemed so nice. It only took us about 3 days to figure out WHAT was actually happening in the offices.

Mother Frangelico and Father had an emergency group meeting. Although we are still small, people-wise, we HAD to do something. We all decided to pray...pray often...pray hard. We also created an Adoration Chapel open 24x7. We went out into the neighborhood churches and asked for volunteers to schedule a Holy Hour. The hours that were open, the Sisters and Brothers filled, which is why you haven't heard from us in awhile. We have been working during the day and fill the open hours in the Chapel in between. We have been working, eating, sleeping, and praying constantly. Sr. Caprice and Sr. Perpetua managed the days/times. Brother Gus put his entire heart and soul into praying in the Chapel. One day I went into the Chapel and Brother Gus had his eyes fixated on the Eucharist. He was silently praying the Rosary as tears streamed down his face. I have never seen him so worked up - his entire body was praying.

The response we had from the neighborhood was phenomenal! Churches even brought Cenacle meetings to pray in the Chapel rather than their own Churches. Youth Groups came to pray for an hour! We even had many Priests and Religious come and say a Novena. God does provide!

Satan was defeated here! Just yesterday, we noticed that a sign was placed on the door. From what neighbors had said, the doctors received an eviction notice on Monday to vacate the premises by Friday. Wednesday, they were gone!

We will continue to pray for the aborted babies. Those poor souls!

We are also continuing to pray for the doctors, nurses, parents, grandparents, and any others who helped in any way with the abortions. They need our prayers the most.

Keep praying. They all need your prayers. Pray that they will experience God's great and wonderful mercy while they have a chance. We will continue the Novena to Our Lady and ask that she hold these precious little ones in her arms since they were not able to experience that love here on earth.

FIREWORKS!

2008-07-14T18:31:00.003-05:00

It's been almost a week since we've updated, and this afternoon, Mother Frangelico said to me, "For goodness' sake, at least go write SOMETHING!"

I think the summer heat and humidity is getting to all of us. Although the monastery is still pretty cool, there is no air conditioning or central air so on hot nights, we suffer. Thank goodness it's been a cool summer for the most part so far! But it's only mid-July, and it can get bad in a hurry up here!

Yes, for you southerners...we get your heat. Although even though we also get your humidity, we're close enough to Canada that the northern air often pushes the stream back down your way!

Anyway, I'd meant to tell you what happened on the Fourth! We all actually had invites to different places, and some of the same, so Mother Frangelico and Father told us to go ahead and accept our invites, although if we were going to all go to separate places at separate times, we'd have to arrange for rides. That wasn't a problem for any of us.

I went to spend time with friends at the parish we go to for Sunday Mass most frequently. They always have a family gathering and invite other friends, cook out, and it's just a good time. I knew some of the kids as they'd been at VBS, and some of the women had new babies so I got to hold them, and was happy to! They were so sweet!

But it made me sad, sort of. Because I was thinking that I'd always wanted to be a mother, and there I was holding a baby that would never be mine. They even emailed me some pictures of me holding their babies, and I look so happy with them. In one, she's grabbing my hair, in another, I'm holding the pacifier and the little boy is reaching for it....

I know that in choosing religious life I'm giving something up, and I'm giving up motherhood. I wonder if maybe I made the wrong decision? But then again, I haven't made any decisions.

I still like guys! I do!

But maybe I'll write about that later. Something happened that's a LOT more important and explaines some of our silence.

That night, we all actually met back at the monastery because we could watch the fireworks in the town from our "backyard", and it was wonderful...but for the mosquitos! For the rest of the weekend and week we were busy, so I'm skipping ahead to the latest news.

This weekend:

On Saturday, we had work to do, but in the evening we cooked out, and I actually had Sister Maxine prepare the vegetables. Because then all she had to do was cut them up and I had set out measuring cups and spoons and stuff for the olive oil to be used, and the quantities of things like garlic and chopped onion. She did a really good job!

Brother Brit actually handled the grill, we ladies just did the prep work. Brother Gus "took orders" and helped Brother Brit at the grill. We all really had a good time, and it is clear we all feel like we are all really a family!

Anyway, when dark fell, we had some firecrackers, several boxes. Brother Gus was in charge of those. He did mess around with them a bit, and used the light of the campfire to read some of the labels. Father told him NOT to do that, but he said he'd be fine, he just wanted to read the label. But just after he said that, as he was walking towards the fire with a box in his hands, he tripped and fell, almost landing in the fire himself!

The ENTIRE BOX hit the campfire, and what we didn't know was that it was stuff his family in Wisconsin had given him...stuff you can't get in Minnesota! Brother Gus's head was almost in the fire, and actually, when he landed, he DID touch a hot log and burned his hand TERRIBLY!

But it was like Father anticipated the entire thing. No sooner had Brother fallen then Father was there, and then Brother Brit jumped up, and they both DRAGGED Brother Gus away from the fire JUST BEFORE THE BOX EXPLODED!

Stuff went everywhere, and some coals landed on the OTHER boxes about 20 feet away! We ran away from the fire, Brother Gus was screaming...I won't tell you what his hand and arm looked like!

The city ordinance demands that a hoseline be near a campfire, and Sister Perpetua had grabbed it and started trying to put the fire out while I was running to get the first aid kit and Sister Maxine went to get ice. Mother Frangelico had a bucket of water also nearby, but things were SO out of control that she feared the monastery was in danger...the roof COULD catch fire, the trees could catch, the grass..it's been dry lately. She and Sister Perpetua had to leave the area...a hose wasn't enough against exploding things!

Mother Frangelico called 911, then ran to make sure they could come through the gate. And she asked for an ambulance for Brother Gus.

You would NOT believe the racket! Things exploding EVERYWHERE!

I was inside, in the livingroom with Brother Gus. I've been trained as an EMT and when I saw his hand, I was TERRIFIED because I could barely remember anything I ever learned, but Mother Frangelico was very calm and helped me remember just because she was calm and logical. Sister Maxine was trying to be helpful and brought butter and was about to put it on the burn but I really fast slapped her hand away and shouted at her not to do it.

(I'm sorry Sister Maxine...I was just excited, not angry, and I overrreacted!)

Anyway, Brother Gus was in TERRIBLE pain, and he was really scared, so Father was trying to keep him calm while Mother Frangelico and I took care of the burn. We had some saline solution and some gauze, so we wrapped it up and poured the saline over it, using a foot pan (the kind made for soaking feet) to catch any runoff. I saw that Brother Gus's hair was singed a little, but he was OK.

Mother sent Sister Maxine to let the Medics in and Brother Brit brought the firefighters back to the fire, which he'd been watching with Sister Perpetua. By then it was actually out, but poor Brother Gus!

The medics were really nice (and REALLY cute!), and one of them was about my age. (I actually think he was in my class back then...I can't remember his name...)

But they took Brother Gus to a local burn unit, and Father left, too, following in the car. We all told Brother Gus we'd be praying for him, and went to the chapel once the Fire Department had gone.

We are near to another church, and Father had called his friend there, and he came to pick us up and take us to the hosital to be with Brother Gus.

He is terribly burned and needed a skin graft, but won't lose any fingers. We are so thankful! What's so ironic is that he wasn't being goofy, he was being really careful and just was clumsy! I feel so bad for him!

But he'll be fine and everyone is helping him. Father spent a long time with him, and was home late, but I couldn't sleep so I was in the chapel. He came in, too, and I got up and sat next to him because I needed to tell him what Brother Gus had said to me. I thought maybe he talked to Father, too, but I wasn't sure.

So I told Father that Brother Gus was afraid, if he lost his hand, that he wouldn't be able to be a priest. And when he said that, I didn't know what to say because I didn't know! And I'd never thought of that before...to a priest, his hands are REALLY IMPORTANT! And I was suddenly so terrified for Brother Gus, to be eliminated from the priesthood because he was clumsy.

Father said he'd talk to Brother Gus, and that it might not even be an issue, and he told me not to worry about it. But I do!

Brother Gus is home now, came home today, and they have him on a lot of drugs so he's mostly just hanging out in the livingroom. We are all trying to keep him company. He's so used to just running around and doing stuff and it's so hard for him to have everything done for him.

Brother Gus might be a joker, but he's not lazy and so he feels really bad.

I hope he gets better soon!

Our Little Miracle

2008-07-08T15:32:00.004-05:00

It's only Tuesday and already we have had our first little miracle at VBS! Let me tell you about the day...

It all started early this morning when I listened to the radio weather report. Rain! Ugh! With all of the flooding we have had lately, we really did not need any more water...our chitlins were all ready soaked! And my class wanted to go for a picnic lunch on the grounds by the cemetary. Our lesson plan was about God's mercy and love and I thought it would be a great idea to pray for those who had died. And since Sr. Caprice worked our little fingers off getting the cemetery cleaned up, we needed to visit. There was a beautiful spot, right underneath the statue of the Sacred Heart of Jesus to place our blanket.

The children came to VBS all heavy hearted, especially since they helped make the picnic lunches. The children brought in sandwiches, chips, vegetables, fruit, and other delectables. They knew how bad I was in the kitchen (I tried to make peanutbutter cookies for the class but no one would eat them since they were burnt - I told them they were fit for a king - burnt offerings. They did not like that joke!). *sigh*

The children were looking forward to our picnic but the rain continued. Then one of the students asked a wonderful question that made everything turn around...'why can't we pray about it?' Wow! What faith this youngster has! I can learn a lot from these children. Jesus did say that our hearts & faith need to be like those of children.

So, we prayed. Mother Frangelico brought in a statue that someone donated last week - a statue of the Infant of Prague. The children prayed to the Child Jesus to turn the grey sky, blue. It reminded me of the song 'You are my sunshine' however, I was thinking more of 'You are my Sonshine!'

Wouldn't you know it, God heard their prayers. About 11:30am, the clouds disappered and the sky was a bright shade of blue, the bluest I have ever seen. The sun was shining brightly as if to becon us outside. We took a plastic tarp, laid it on the ground then laid our blanket of that. It made the talk about God's mercy even better! It even seemed as if Jesus' Sacred Heart was beating happily with our discussion.

You ARE my Sonshine!

Faith, Hope, Love...the Greatest of these is Love

2008-07-05T14:50:00.003-05:00

I finally have a few moments to sit down during my second round of VBS. As I reflected upon Mother Frangelico's chiding of my last VBS teaching, I thought how would I improve my next session, keeping with the program yet adding some of my 'love of life', so not to confuse the children. I really enjoyed reading their stories, and I know everyone here laughed because of the simplicity of the children, however, I would really feel bad if Father asked them about Noah and they told him that Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Granted, Joan of Ark is a fantastic Saint and showed us how to fight for God and God's Laws, and Noah showed us how to be obedient to God's will, they did not live at the same time.

So the next VBS teaching was on love - the greatest gift of God. How was I going to teach about love? Did the children really know what love was? I prayed about this for a week. I decided to go out on a limb again (this limb may be getting a bit thin) and decided to ask the children what they knew about love before I started the lesson. I thought this would be a great way for me to understand where they were coming from and help them understand God's love.

What happened was quite unexpected! Not only did my children participate, but also children from other classes. All the teachers compiled the answers for your review.

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." `- Rebecca - age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." - Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." - Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." - Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." - Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." - Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" - Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." - Bobby - age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." - Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." - Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." - Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." - Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." - Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." - Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." - Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." - Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." - Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image) - Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." - Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." - Jessica - age 8

I think we can learn a lot from some of these children! Their wisdom is beyond their years! What would happen if we took this wisdom to our work places? I think it would be a much happier world. What are your thoughts?

The Bible and the 4th of July!

2008-07-04T20:13:00.005-05:00

So, like I started to comment in the post below, I've been reading Sr. Maxine's post over and over again this week, and I don't really see what the kids did that was so wrong? I thought Sister Maxine did a wonderful job. I mean, the kids learned about Jesus and Mary and the Magna Carta...what's wrong with that? The Magna Carta was a REALLY important document, although I didn't realize that Blessed Mother Mary said it before it was signed in the Medieval Age.

(I wonder if she knew Sir Galahad and Sir Lancelot? And King Arthur? I know Mary fled from the Dragon but I can't find the Knights in Revelation...is there another word for "knight" in biblical terms?)

But of course, anyway, we'll all be obedient to what you say, Mother Frangelico. I guess maybe I'll also do what Father told me and read over the scriptures again. Earlier this week I went to talk to him because I know he's taught scripture, so I asked him about where to find the knights in Revelation, thinking maybe the Magna Carta was there.

I STILL don't understand why, when I ask questions, people start coughing and wiping their eyes! When I asked Father about these things this week, he started coughing and turned REALLY REALLY red and I handed him a kleenex when he started wiping his eyes. I was really worried about him and almost went to get Mother Frangelico because I thought maybe he was dying or something. I don't think Father was ever a smoker, but he sure was coughing like my Grandma used to, and she had Tuberculosis. Except that Father wasn't spitting up blood.

And Father is SO polite when he coughs, he always turns away; Grandma never did that, so we always wore HEPA masks when we were in her hospital room. I asked Father if I should go get Mother Frangelico, and he managed to say he was fine and it wasn't necessary, and just asked me to wait a minute. So I did, and when he finished coughing, his eyes were still watering but he told me that I should go over the scriptures Sister Maxine covered during VBS and read them for myself, and then maybe I'd see where the kids were wrong. But I'm just not SEEING it!

But maybe it's just that we've been so busy and every time I've had the chance to read, we've been interrupted by different things. Everyone is fine, Brother Brit has been in contact with the Dominicans (I think he's going to be a Dominican, and I'm so relieved that he doesn't have to leave the country. I think that he's going to be a really good priest, and a really good Spiritual Director. He already has his degree in Theology, so I think he only has like 4 years before he'll be a priest. Or maybe 3 years? I don't know how the Dominicans do it. Maybe it's longer because they aren't diocesan. And he's so nice!

And Sister Maxine has been looking at another VBS program, is gonig to help the Missionaries of Charity because they're running a program this next week. I'm going to help decorate and I'm in charge of the skit team, am practicing with them tomorrow. I used to love theatre.

Anyway, although there are communities Sr. Maxine wanted to visit this summer, some of them are on retreat or unavailable, and there are different reason's she's here, but it's cool because we're all in contact with local Sisters and even Brothers. I really like the Missionaries of Charity, but I'm taller than most of them. Which is strange, because I'm not very tall.

Sister Perpetua has been busy, too, doing the same things. Her hair is starting to grow out, and we can start to see her natural color. Mother Frangelico is refusing to let her color it. As it turns out, she's a redhead! It's a beautiful color! But no wonder she's so pale...her complexion is really natural but looks so much better with her red hair than with black!

Today we've been relaxing, and we had a barbeque in our courtyard area. Later we're going to watch the fireworks from a nearby park. Right now I'm SO stuffed! It's been a great day, and everyone is "home" and we're hoping others join our little community. There's all sorts of retreats and things planned over the summer, and we're helping to plan them and staff them. Brother Brit is speaking at a few of them, and he's run a lot of TEC retreats and stuff, so he's taught us a lot.

So, anyway, hopefully we'll be more active in the coming days, it's just been so crazy lately! Summer is a really busy time of year. Even though everything else is shut down, the Church is still really active!

the 'New' Bible?

2008-06-29T13:07:00.004-05:00

As Mother Frangelico explained, we have been working very hard with Vacation Bible School and the children. It has been exhilarating as well as exhausting!

One of my duties was teaching some of the Bible Stories to the 5-6 year old children. I asked the children to write down their favorite Bible stories and then give a presentation to the rest of the children and teachers on Friday. What happened was quite interesting. Here are a few of the more memorable snippits:

In the beginning:

"In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off."
"Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree."
"Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark."
"Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears."

The Old Testament:

'Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.'
'The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.'
'Samson was a strongman who let himself is led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.'
'Samson spayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.'
'Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.'
'The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.'
'The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.'
'The seventh commandment is thou shall not admit adultery.'
'Moses died before he ever reached Canada.'
'Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Genital.'
'The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.'
'David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.'
'Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.'

The New Testament:

'When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.'
'When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.'
'Jesus was born because Man had an immaculate contraption.'
'St John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.'
'Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.'
'He also explained, "A man doth not live by sweat alone."'
'It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.'
'The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.'
'The epistles were the wives of the apostles.'
'One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also a taxi man.'
'St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.'
'A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony'

The Brothers, Sisters, Mother and Father were all trying to control their laughter...I could hear snickers and coughing coming from the back of the room. I tried to tell the kids that they were doing a good job, but all I could hear was the laughter. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this. *sigh*

Regarding the mixup with God's grace, I'm still contemplating what Father explained to me. I'll post about that soon.

Clearing up Misconceptions

2008-06-26T20:31:00.002-05:00

You may wonder where we've been all week as there hasn't been anything posted, not even responses to the two dear confused sisters!

Summer is a very busy time for us. It is Vacation Bible School season and our "services" are much in demand as the various parishes are trying to fill required quotas of adult-to-child ratios, fill volunteer positions, and assist will all the business of getting such programs running! It's a big job, but our Brothers and Sisters have greatly risen to the occasion and they are a BIG HIT with all the children and volunteers alike!

And as it turns out, Sister Caprice's flair for the dramatic CAN be harnessed for good, Sister Perpetua's penchant for the mysterious has been put to work in creating imaginative and fun atmospheres, and Sister Maxine's love for fun has brought many elements of these programs to life! As for the Brothers, Brother Brit had some wonderful ideas in the Faith and Bible story stations, Brother Gus got to clown around on stage with Sister Caprice and has been helping with music, and even Father stopped in to help plan the Mass for tomorrow!

Before we went, though, Sister Caprice and I had a talk about the Dominicans. She now understands that the Dominican Order has no connection to the Dominican Republic and so she does not need to change her citizenship, nor will she need to go there unless the Lord Himself sends her there. And she definitely does not need to align with ANY political party!

As for Sister Maxine....Grace is a gift of God, not a person, and DEFINITELY not a person of the Trinity! She spoke with Father about grace, though, and perhaps he'll say more of their conversation. Or she can recap it herself, which might be a good thing.

Grace...Have you seen her?

2008-06-20T08:52:00.003-05:00

Since my Come-and-See week with the Society of Our Lady of the Most Holy Trinity, Mother Frangelico has been asking what I want. Honestly, I don't know. I know I'm being called...I can feel God's urging but I am unsure into which direction He is pointing me. Mother said that urge is Grace.

Sister Caprice was telling me about the Dominicans and how you have to not only leave your family, you have to leave the country. I'm not sure I buy it, but she's the one that has access to the internet. I am so computer illiterate it's not funny. Sister Caprice told me once that the mouse on the computer didn't work. I was expecting to see a small creature with beady-red eyes but it was some small apparatus attached to the computer.

Anyway, I told Mother that I did not want to move out of the country and I wanted an Order near my family. I also told her that I recently I would think about praying the Rosary and I had to go to Chapel to pray. Sometimes I would have to pray 3 or 4 Rosaries before the feeling would go away. She told me again that this is Grace.

Who is Grace? I want to talk to her. Have you seen her?

Dominicans

2008-06-18T19:51:00.002-05:00

This afternoon I was talking to Brother Brit about his latest visit to the Dominicans. He was explaining their habit, and was telling me about the Dominican sisters he's met and how great they are.

I told Brother Brit that I don't think I'm smart enough to be Dominican because I can't explain a bunch of things even though I believe them, but he said that maybe I still have the charism that so maybe I should look into them?

And I do like the Dominican habit. Do you know that their habit hasn't changed since their beginning? So I guess that means that they do the same things now that they always did. And habits are hard to break.

So I went online and did a search for "Dominican" and found a bunch of stuff about the Dominican Republic. I didn't realize I'd have to change nationalities in order to be Dominican. And all the pictures of the people on beaches and stuff, well it didn't look really religious.

I'm going to have to talk to Brother Brit. I don't think he should have to change nationalities in order to be Dominican, or that he was going to far to visit them! He's my friend and I want him to be happy, but he's American, darn it! He doesn't HAVE to become an Islander and drink things with pink umbrellas in them! I don't think he likes pina coladas, anyway! So why would he go to the Dominican Republic?

Besides, I thought Brother Brit liked the changing seasons, and in the Dominican Republic it's like, all tropical and stuff.

I always thought he'd be a good priest, but now it just looks like he's trying to find a place to go party. I wonder if Mother Frangelico and Father know about that? I don't want to tell them...but they have to know so they can help Brother Brit!

I just don't know what to DO!

Mortification

2008-06-16T08:52:00.002-05:00

So, I've prayed many, many times for God to make me humble. Last week, I prayed that God would humiliate me. Boy, was that a mistake!

First off, to explain my extended silence, I've been running over to the diocesan chancellery to try to clarify our canonical status as a community. Since we are not a community in the traditional sense, (although we tend to be traditional in our devotions), we have to work out how the governance of the community will work, as well as our continued relationship with the diocese. It is all very convoluted, and puts me to sleep!

Anyway, with all that weighing on my mind, I just did not get a good jump on the Sunday readings this past week. The readings were excellent for discerners, and the great commission that Jesus gives to all the disciples to 'pray that the Master of the Harvest send more laborers into his fields.' Did you know that this is one of the few things that Jesus specifically tells us to pray for?

Great stuff, but let me fill you in on my day yesterday:

In addition to my duties here at the monastery, I also have to assist at parishes in the immediate area. There is a slight need to help the pastors, and I am glad to assist as they also help out here. Well, things took a bit long here at the monastery and Sr. Caprice needed to chat right after Mass for a few minutes, plus Sr. Maxine was filling in all the details of her wanderings, plus Brother Brit's continued, ummm....., activities; all added up to me leaving the monastery way late and getting to the parish with about five minutes to go before Mass. Not enough time!

Wouldn't you know it, there were a few extra things for Father's Day going on, too; plus something about their upcoming festival; my mind was about the consistency of scrambled eggs by the time I started Mass.

Well, the homilies I give at the monastery are usually pretty focused on things there, so I often have a different theme for the parish Masses; and I thought I had something worked out; but didn't get the time to actually write out my thoughts. No problem, I thought, I've been at this for long enough a time that I can wing it.

Well, with all the mass confusion at the monastery, traffice to the parish, and the hullabaloo at the parish, I finished the Gospel and my mind was a vast wasteland of ideas. I am talking Sahara Desert: vast and dry.

I turned, looked at the assembled crowds, and humbly admitted: "I have no idea what I was going to say."

I stumbled on for a bit of time, when it dawned on me from my seminary days: 'The best way to end a homily, if you've got nothing else: "Stand for the Creed."'

Most of the people were laughing after Mass, and I have feeling that this might live on in infamy long after I am gone.

Happy Father's Day!

2008-06-14T20:29:00.005-05:00

Happy Father's Day, Papa! Happy Father's Day, Father! Happy Brother's Day, Brother Gus & Brother Brit!

It's Father's Day! We all wanted to do something extra-special for Father...especially since he has MANY children, although they are not his own...and WE are kinda like his children (I think we give him enough headaches like his own kids would if he had kids). Soon Brother Gus & Brother Brit will have their own kids (kinda) when they become Priests!

Sr. Caprice, Sr. Perpetua, and I got up extra early today! We snuck down the secret hallway to the men's side to leave Father a card & present at his door, and we put a card in front of Brother Gus' and Brother Brit's doors so when they woke up they would see them right away. Then we took the other secret hallway down to the kitchen. I think this was the first time Sr. Caprice has been through there.

Sr. Caprice showed Sr. Perpetua and I where all of the ingredients were for the special breakfast for Father. Our menu was:

Scrambled Eggs
Sausage (Microwavable)
Toast
Jam & Butter for the toast
Hashbrown casserole

Father, Brother Gus & Brother Brit are going to be so surprised!

Sr. Caprice showed Sr. Perpetua how to crack an egg with only one hand! By the third egg, she really got the hang of it! I think Sr. Perpetua is going to be the next Julia Childs! (without the accent, of course!) Sr. Caprice should definitely go on the Iron Chef show! She's just like my mom - could whip up anything in a flash.

Since I do not have as much experience in the kitchen, I was given the task of microwaving the sausages. They used 3 of the sausages to put in the hashbrown casserole & I was to bake the rest in the microwave. Sounds easy enough.

Sr. Perpetua helped Sr. Caprice with the hashbrown casserole - the eggs, cheese, sausage, and hashbrowns were all mixed together & put in the oven. They then started on the scrambled eggs. They used an old-fashioned egg beater, you know the kind that has two, well, uhm, you know the things that turn. Sr. Perpetua was beating them silly! They turned a soft shade of yellow and were really fluffy!

Sr. Caprice told me I should start on the sausages. I read the box...place them on a microwavable plate, evenly spaced. What do you know! There was a microwavable plate already in the microwave. So I put them on the plate, tried to space them as evenly as possible. It was kinda hard since the plate was round. It said to microwave them on high for 8 minutes, turn them over and microwave another 4. So, I closed the door and set the timer for 800. That was easy! The plate even turned in the microwave. wow!

Sr. Caprice then started the toast...rye bread! yummy! Sr. Perpetua buttered each of the slices as it popped up. I started setting the table. I even put a special plate & cup at Father's, Brother Brit's and Brother Gus' places. This was going to be wonderful!

The hasbrown casserole was done, the table set, eggs and sausages cooked (I actually did something right in the kitchen!), and toast placed on a special plate. Sr. Caprice started the coffee - we even found hazelnut, Father's favorite!

Within minutes everyone came down...they all smelled the wonderful cuisine that Sr. Caprice & Sr. Perpetua prepared and the awesome aroma of coffee in the morning. We decided to eat first and then pray LOH, just for today.

Happy Father's Day!

The Cloister

2008-06-14T17:33:00.002-05:00

I finally got some time to talk about what happened last week with my discernment and on the silent retreat.

You already know about my conversation with Fr. T., but I haven't spoken about my conversation with Mother Frangelico and Father. We three actually sat down the evening I came back and I explained what had been going through my mind.

Since I wrote about that, I'll only talk about the main points; I thought God was calling me to enter a cloistered community, and that would mean that I'd never get to speak to anyone ever again, or hug anyone ever again, or even eat enjoyable foods. I thought that I'd have to give up everything fun I've ever done. And so I put myself to the test to see if I could even do it, because if not, then I'd need a LOT of grace! Because I chatter all the time, and I'm an affectionate person...I just love nearly everyone I meet! And I love to cook and I love to eat, and all that. To spend the rest of my life in silence was just an awful thought, but I figured maybe it was a form of "white martyrdom" and that if God was calling me to it, well, I had to be obedient.

That's why I was so sad last week. That, and I was trying mightily to be so somber and reverent and quiet.

Well, Mother Frangelico (who used to be a cloistered nun) and Father explained that my idea of cloister life was WAY off base! They said that the women and men called to live set apart like that aren't silent 24/7, except maybe the Trappists, and even they can speak when they really need to. And I wouldn't have to live on bread and water, and most of the cloistered communities don't even forbid hugs...although I wouldn't be able to go around hugging my Sisters constantly, nor would I want to!

I was so relieved! But still, I wasn't sure if I could live in a cloister. Father and Mother looked at each other and then told me that maybe it's not quite time for me to consider that route just yet. And they said that the people who are called to it aren't terrified...they're joyful and filled with peace. And if I'm terrified, it's a sign that God is not calling me to that life. Maybe he will someday, but not now.

Mother gave me a movie to watch this afternoon, and actually, we all watched it. "Into Great Silence". It was amazing, about Carthusian monks. But half-way through, I heard snoring, and I looked over and Brother Gus was sawing logs, and Father was asleep in the easy chair. I thoght it was FASCINATING! I couldn't tear my eyes away from all that was happening!

It was very prayerful and very moving, and I feel a lot better about the whole cloister thing now. Although maybe they're right and I'm not called to it, but it's not as scary-looking as I thought. I supposed that if someone is called to live that kind of life, God does provide the grace to do it.

Grits & Giggles

2008-06-13T04:19:00.005-05:00

Although I'm from the South & Southerners have a propensity toward rich & delicious cooking, I never received that gift. You know when people can't dance, they say they have 'two left feet'? Well, I have two left arms, hands, brains, etc. in the kitchen. When I was young I would try to help my mom bake. It would take about 10 minutes before she would order me out of the kitchen due to extreme exasperation! I just did not have the knack for the kitchen. (Put me in nature, and that's a horse of a different color!)

I was very excited when I heard that Sr. Caprice was coming home! In fact, everyone was excited! I had never seen so much jubilation in the Monastery. Mother was back to singing, Sr. Perpetua was actually grinning (although I have a feeling it was her thinking about our catastophe in the kitchen & how she would get me back for drowning her with the ice-cold water). I even heard Father play his Ukelele! Who has a Ukelele anymore? Was he stationed in Hawaii at one time? (you know, I think he was even humming 'Tiny Bubbles').

However, Mother Frangelico gave me strict orders not to go near the kitchen unless Sr. Caprice was with me and she didn't care that Cook was here. THEN, if my previous antics were not enough, she tells me that Sr. Caprice and I are COOKING BREAKFAST....FOR EVERYONE! (Am I in Purgatory or punished for something???).

Sr. Caprice and I got up VERY early so that we could make breakfast. She asked what I usually had for breakfast, actually, I don't eat breakfast. I'm trying to get out of bed, washed, dressed, and down to Chapel. I don't want to be late and it takes me a long time to get ready. Actually, it's taken all of my sisters a long time to get ready...my father used to yell at us in the morning. I don't think he ever got 2 minutes in the bathroom before someone would hollar. Then Sr. Caprice asked what I usually had for breakfast as a child.

Oh, I remember those days! Grits, eggs, bacon, and warm rolls, just out of the oven! My mom was a fabulous cook! She could take anything, anything at all, and make a cuisine for a King. One Christmas we were having a very difficult time making ends meet and my mom knew that she could buy us presents or dinner. We could not have both. Well, my father came back from hunting on Christmas Eve with a muskrat. On Christmas Day, I've never had such an incredible meal before!

Well, Cook had already talked with Mother Frangelico about Sr. Caprice teaching me to cook/bake and she left late last night to spend the evening and morning with her brother and his family. I think she was afraid of what the kitchen would look like when we were finished. Cook had bought some of my childhood favorites for breakfast....including GRITS!

Sr. Caprice was so patient with me! So much more so than my mom. I think she could wait out a snail running the 10-meter dash! She showed me how to measure the water and butter. She turned the burner on, put the pan on the burner, and told me to keep stirring and let her know when it starts to boil. (boil? what's that?) She then put the bacon in another pan & put that on the stove as well. She told me to watch it & turn the bacon over when it is crisp. (turn the bacon over what?) She said she would start the eggs. She thought omelets would be a nice change of pace (especially since she does not like easy-over eggs with all the runny, yummy yolk).

Well, it wasn't 5 minutes later when the water for the grits was jumping & splashing. She told me to put the measuring cup of grits in the water & keep stirring. I did. She was at the counter chopping the green onions, celery, tomatoes, and peppers when she accidentally cut herself. She told me to keep doing what I'm doing and she would be right back once she stopped the bleeding & got a bandaid.

I thought I would help her out a bit. I put the eggs that she mixed in a large pan and put all of the vegetables that she chopped on top of the eggs. I knew I could do this. The grits started jumping, the bacon started smoking, and now the eggs were getting large bubbles in them. I stirred the grits, turned the bacon, and watched the eggs. Stir the grits, turn the bacon, watch the eggs. Stir the grits, turn the bacon, watch the eggs. I was getting the hang of this...I was a bit proud of myself!

Turn the grits, watch the bacon, stir the eggs.

All of a sudden all hell broke loose in the kitchen! The grits turned 10 shades of grey, the bacon was black, and the eggs, well, the eggs were a bit orange and rubbery. When Sr. Caprice came back (she was only gone 10 minutes!) she took one look at me. I was sobbing! I tried so hard to do something right in the kitchen and all I made was another mess! At least this time I didn't have the smoke alarm go off. TOO LATE!!! It was BLARING!

Sr. Caprice turned off the stove, took everything off the burners, and handed me bowls, spoons, and cereal.

I'm BACK!

2008-06-12T21:34:00.003-05:00

I was going to wait because Sister Maxine posted, and then Sister Perpetua (and she NEVER speaks!) and then Mother Frangelico..TWICE! But maybe I owe an explanation, so here it is.

I'm sorry I've seemed so rude over the last several days. I was just confused again. And Mother Frangelico and Father, I'm sorry I didn't come to you first.

Here's what happened: I was praying in the chapel, and I've had a few friends enter cloistered communities. I received a letter from one of them this week. It was a wonderful letter and sounds like a great life. She's very happy. And I thought that I haven't really considered the cloister, so I prayed about it. And over a few days, the more I prayed, the more I thought God was calling me to really consider the cloistered communities.

I didn't want to go to Mother Frangelico or Father about this, well, because I was so unsure, and things around here were crazy. So I wanted to get away. And the more I prayed, the more I thought about what a big deal it was. To die to the world, leave EVERYTHING behind. I don't mind leaving my family behind so much...I already talked about that. But everyone here has really become a family to me, and I'd really miss ALL of them, but they're not my real family so I'd have no one to write to. Because in a cloister you're really limited to write to people even though you can receive letters. But I decided that that was an attachment and so I should be willing to let my new "family" go.

And then I realized that maybe God was calling me to lay down my life for my real family. Because, if I gave my life to God, maybe they could be saved. And that's a big weight to carry and I started to think that if I said "no" to God, my real family might go to Hell...and it would be my fault.

And that really scared me, and so I wanted to take time to think about it away from everything here.

And...well...I didn't think anyone here would take me seriously. So I thought maybe I should be more serious. Because if I was Trappist or Carthusian it would be so hard and I'd have to be quiet all the time. It was so HARD to be quiet all the time! You have NO IDEA how hard it was for me to be silent!

So I went on retreat and it was easier to be quiet with no one around, but it was still really hard because, well, I sing all the time and imitate the birds when I'm in the woods (stop lauging, Sr. Maxine!), and I even talk to myself all the time! And it was a horrible strain! But I decided I could do it for Jesus if that's what he was asking. I'd have to shut up for LIFE, not just having "grand silence" after 11 like we do. I really did plan to talk to Mother Frangelico when I got back, because she was in a cloister.

And then Father T. came up to talk to me because he recognized me and it was SO HARD not to talk to him! I actually wanted to give him a big hug, because, well, he's a large guy and any hug with him is big, but also because he was wonderful at my parish and I haven't seen him in so long! So it was so hard to be quiet and cloister-like! Because I knew I'd never be able to hug anyone ever again, either! And I'd probably never see him again! But he told me I HAD to come in and speak with him, and I knew I had to be obedient, so I agreed.

I don't know why, but every time I'm so deadly serious about something and I tell them, they start coughing and wiping their eyes. I must make people allergic or something.

Anyway, finally I told Fr. T. what I was thinking about, he thought it was wonderful I was discerning but said I should talk to Mother Frangelico and Father about it because that's the whole reason I'm here. And he realized my goal was not to speak to him (Fr. T.) but to them, but he said that they were worried. So I did talk to him because I'm sorry I worried everyone! He suggested I call Mother Frangelico myself, so I did.

And she didn't laugh at me, although she coughed a little (I'm worried about MOTHER! She coughes reallly hard almost EVERY TIME I talk to her!), and told me to speak to them when I get back. So I did, and they cleared a few things up. Maybe I should write about that later.

It's nice to be home, and I feel a lot better now. And it was nice to see Fr. T. again.

And appaently I'm supposed to help Sister Maxine learn to cook, so I'm going to sleep early as we have to get up to prepare breakfast. And she doesn't know ANYTHING!

Is that ALL IT WAS?

2008-06-12T18:34:00.003-05:00

Yes, I was laughing. I'm actually somewhat ashamed, but I was so relieved that Sister Caprice is all right!

This afternoon I received a phone call from Father T. at the retreat house. He sounded quite amused himself, and said that Sister Caprice had come to his office that morning and that he had asked to call myself and Father on her behalf, although she was going to tell us the real news herself.

While on retreat, he also had seen how quiet Sister Caprice was, and as it turns out, he was once an Associate Pastor at her parish and so was quite familiar with her personality. Thank God for this small world! And she seemed so desolate that he also grew concerned and approached her after Mass yesterday. As she had with us, he asked her if she was all right, said he was happy to see her and would love to have a chat the next day if she'd be willing. She tried to explain that she was on retreat so he exercised a little authority and said that he was placing her under obedience to appear in his office at a particular time. She agreed.

When she arrived, he indeed brought up her normally-cheery personality and asked her if all was well here at the monastery, what had brought her on a silent retreat, and all those things. She kept saying that all was well. He of course brought the conversation 'round to her discernment and what she was learning, and the poor girl burst into tears!

He didn't expect that and eventually she was able to tell him her news. Father T. assured me that her news was really quite wonderful, although clearly she didn't understand what "discernment" was and that it really required a bit more than a silent retreat. So he suggested to her that as she was living at the monastery, she should be talking to Father and I about what was going on so that we could help her discern properly. She had admitted that she hadn't spoken with us and was apparently planning to do so after her retreat. That child was in absolute AGONY and she so could have saved herself all of THAT! Of course, at that point I still had no idea what was going on so Father T. said he'd have Sister Caprice call, and he was sending her home this evening.

Sure enough, the phone rang again, and it was our dear Sister Caprice. She haltingly explained that she would tell us more when she got home, but she'd been so quiet because, while praying in the chapel, she felt that the Lord was calling her to a cloistered community! So she was trying hard to live out what she thought that meant, and she was truly terrified and didn't think she could do it, but wanted to go and "enjoy nature" before she, well, quote/unquote "died".

That girl will be the DEATH of me, I tell you! I told her I looked forward to seeing her smiling face again and that I wanted to hear all about what she was thinking about so we could help her...prepare...for whatever she and Jesus were planning.

And I must say, she sounded a LOT more like the Sister Caprice we all know! Remind me to send a Thank You card to Father T.!

And of course, when I told Father he just ROARED and can't WAIT to hear the rest of this story!

Sister Perpetua, Sister Maxine and Brother Gus...don't you DARE tease her about this! This is ONE thing that is COMPLETELY off limits and I MEAN it!

Mother Frangelico LAUGHING?

2008-06-12T18:15:00.002-05:00

So this afternoon I was walking down the hallway when I heard a strange noise. I'd never heard this noise before, and it was coming from Mother Frangelico's office. I thought for a moment that maybe she was ill, so I went to peek in the doorway. Then I heard her speaking and realized she was on the phone, so I just walked past her. But I glanced inside just as she hung up the phone, and she was LAUGHING!

I've barely even seen her crack a smile! Sure, she's kind and all, but she's pretty low-key all the time.

I went back and asked her if everything was all right, and she was wiping her eyes, still laughing. She said all was fine and Sister Caprice was coming home this evening, and that I should go out back and ask Father to come in. So I went outside where Father and Sister Maxine were working on re-planting the garden behind the monastery. I didn't know what it was about and just told them Mother was laughing and Sister Caprice was coming home.

Sister Max and I finished planting a few bulbs and went inside to wash up. As we came down the hallway, this time we heard FATHER laughing!

We don't know what's going on but it'll be nice to have Sister Caprice around again. Besides...we need her to teach Sister Maxine how to cook. Mother Frangelico operates too much like "Hell's Kitchen!"

Joy and Sorrow..back to Joy?

2008-06-11T21:35:00.003-05:00

As Sister Maxine said, we had several meetings today. This place is in utter chaos! We took a drastic turn from silent and strange to loud and catastrophic!

I'm just glad that Sister Caprice was not here to deal with it. I don't know what's going on with that girl, but last evening she came to Father and I and asked to go on a silent retreat for a couple days. She had done her research and had booked her reservation at a local hermitage in order to hold a spot. She was pale and seemed a bit...shaken...for some reason. We don't know why. We both tried to speak with her separately. Truth be told, both Father and I are quite concerned, ESPECIALLY considering she won't say a word! But she assured us she's fine, just wants to get away and think and talk with God all alone for awhile.

We both can respect that, and now that she's hobbling around without crutches, well, she'll be fine in that regard. She won't get much hiking done on that beautiful land, but perhaps that's for the best. Father made a call to Fr. T., the Spiritual Director at the retreat center and relayed some of his concerns, so they are keeping a close eye on her. Hopefully she will find what she needs, but we sure are praying mightily for whatever black cloud she's in to lift, and I sure do hope she speaks with SOMEONE about whatever is going on! Fr. T. promised to call us if there was any apprarent need for our further concern. She'll only be there a couple days, may be back as early as tomorrow.

In the meantime, as Sr. Maxine has described, yes, she and Sr. Perpetua have destroyed the kitchen. I was not aware that Sr. Maxine did not know how to cook or bake...she will be receiving many lessons to come! Although I didn't say much about the disaster, for at least they were LAUGHING! For a moment I didn't know what that sound WAS! And to think that Sr. Perpetua has such a nice smile and a joyful laugh...who would have thought so?

Even amidst all our trials, somehow, joy arises. God is so faithful!

Now that the kitchen is cleaned, maybe things will get back to normal. Brother Brit is due back any day now, and Father will have some business to report when he gets a chance. And hopefully when Sr. Caprice returns she'll be back to being her sunny self. We can only pray.

I do think, though, that the prankster around here doesn't actually realize who wrote the book on pranks...and he (or she!) is about to be in for a BIG SURPRISE!

Oh, yes, my brothers and sisters....Mother Frangelico isn't as dense as you thought!

Chaos in the Kitchen

2008-06-11T20:10:00.003-05:00

Mother Frangelico and Father sat us all down for a 'family meeting'. *sigh* Another one! This is the third, today! First one - okay - yes, we deserved it. We were all in a stink of a mood! Who would blame us with Sr. Caprice on crutches and needing constant assistance. Brother Brit who left us for an eternity! Okay, it just SEEMS that way. Sr. Perpetua who I can't figure out quite yet. One minute there is a hint of a grin, the next her mind is in the Andromeda Galaxy. Brother Gus who is visiting another Order. And me, just call me Mick. (If only I could sing like him, but alas, I sound like a sick cow in heat!) But did the first 'family meeting' have to be at 4:30AM??? We still had 45 minutes left to sleep!

The second meeting was because someone exchanged the cereal in the boxes. Mother Frangelico thought she was putting 'Cheerios' in her bowl. Instead, she got 'Fruit Loops'. I wonder who could have done that. *cough* *cough*

The third meeting was after I wanted to bake a cake to lighten the mood. How was I to know that the stove cooked 25 degrees hotter than normal! I really don't bake much, but I thought Sr. Caprice & Sr. Perpetua might like a nice double layer cake...chocolate of course with fudgy icing. I followed the recipe to the 't'. But we ran out of flour. When I went to the cupboard, I saw some self-rising flour. It said 'flour' so I used it. Then I couldn't find any baking soda, but there was baking powder in the cupboard, so I substituted it for the soda...they both said 'baking'. Then, we ran out of granulated sugar, so I used powdered sugar.

I found a plastic bag with what I thought was cocoa, but after I put it in the batter, I discovered it was cinnamon! Someone switched the cinnamon & the cocoa! So instead of a chocolate cake, we had a very, very spicy cinnamony cake. Change of plans...change the icing to cream cheese. It'll work. It had to work.

I put the 2 layers in the oven, set the timer, and went out onto the porch to do read the LOH (Liturgy of the Hours). Well, it would have been okay had I not fallen asleep! I woke up with smoke in my eyes...smoke was everywhere! I opened the door to the kitchen...smoke billowed out. I quickly ran to the sink, grabbed the sink spray and turned the water on high. Pointed the spray to the stove and a trickle came out. arrrrggghh! So I grabbed what I could find - a large metal mixing bowl.

I filled it with water. I turned around to throw it on the oven, but when I threw the water, Sr. Perpetua was in front of the oven. She had taken the charred cakes out and was about to close the door when the water splashed all over her, the floor and the stove. She was soaked! There was water everywhere!

She turned toward me with a startled look on her face. She slowly moved toward me with a shiver and a very stern look. I moved backwards, trying to feel for the door so I could run, but all I found was the counter. She was deliberate in her steps. Slowly moving, one step at a time. She stepped on a puddle of water. Her feet slid out from under her, she tried to grab onto anything she could. I ran toward her to catch her before she fell on the floor. I tripped over my scapular and managed to grab her arm, she grabbed the tray on the counter. We both fell. The tray went up in the air. The bag of flour that was on the tray burst open when it hit the floor. Now there was a white coating over the entire kitchen!

We were white as ghosts! We took one look at each other and burst into laughter. This was the first time I heard Sr. Perpetua laugh - it was great! Mother Frangelico heard the smoke alarm & ran into the kitchen to see this white layer of flour over everything and small pieces of sooty cake on the stove. Somehow she knew we were okay. She shook her head, rolled her eyes, and told us to clean up the mess when we were done. (When we were done?) *grin*

We decided that we were already a mess, so we helped ourselves to a flour fight!

(the reason for our third 'family meeting' - no more baking without the cook in the Monastery!).

What is this...a Mausoleum?

2008-06-10T22:13:00.002-05:00

I don't know WHAT is going ON around here!

The weather is beautiful, we have what is SUPPOSED to be a happy home, and just last week everyone was getting along swimmingly...even Father has been whistling! Sure, we had a certain number of disasters, and we all know these things happen in clusters...but even with all that, our little group of discerners remained happy.

At Mass, everyone's responses have been lackluster at best, at prayer, Father and I have literally had to repeat ourselves, and I've often looked around thinking I was the only person in the chapel!

Sister Maxine is much better now that she has an epi pen, and yes, I forbade her to go outside...for a time. We could not risk another sting without a supply of Benadryl on hand...a large supply! And Sister Caprice is even better. She's off her crutches, still limping around but healing nicely. Brother Gus...I never thought I'd say this, but I MISS his pranks!

Sister Perpetua...well...she's pretty much the same as always. Maybe a little more snide, but in reaction to the others, well, I'm willing to let it go.

What I'm NOT willing to let go, however, is the fact that something is CLEARLY wrong, especially with Sister Caprice. She's the happy-go-lucky one, and if she's got a long face, well...you figure it out. I sure can't!

I've asked her directly, she won't speak a word to me, I asked her if she wants to speak to Father again and she just shook her head and wouldn't say a word. I'll see if Father will see if he can get her to talk...he's got a gift for that. I do think that man could talk a fox out of a chicken! (Which is quite amazing...you'd never think so if you'd just met him).

Father...what do we need to do to get some spirit back into this place?

Sr. Maxine's Come-and-See Week

2008-06-10T12:05:00.006-05:00

Now that I am somewhat back to normal (although I still kinda look like a mix between Mick Jaggar and Cousin It). Mother Frangelico called the doctor as soon as I got back & bought the epi-pen. Now I have to carry it with me everywhere! Little did I know those little red & white bumps were hives. I thought I was allergic to the dog or the Spiders out there (they’re hairy!). I never did feel the bee sting. But, Sr. Caprice – you talked about Father being ‘cute’, you should see the Chippewa Indians! I called them eye-candy from God.

* sigh * Sorry.

But now that I am back, I have been busy helping Mother Frangelico around the Monastery. We found some armor-like clothing that had an insignia with ‘MI’ on the front. Next to the clothing were old books with ten inches of dust on top (okay, maybe not ten inches, but it was a lot!). There was also a portrait of this man with glasses and a book. He must have been in jail because his clothes were black & white striped. Why would anyone paint a portrait of a jail-bird? Anyway, it had M.Kolbe on the front of the portrait. I was going to ask Mother Frangelico who M.Kolbe was but she ran out the door calling for Father.

I commented to Mother, just before she ran out, that there was enough dust around this side of the Monastery to gag a maggot. When she had returned she was out of breath, but she had no problems handing me a damp dust rag & said to start cleaning. *sigh* Leave it to me to open my big mouth! Mother does not want me outside at all anymore and it has been so beautiful lately. I have been asking God to use this as Reparation for the sins of abortion.

Shhhh! What she doesn’t know is that I found another secret door when she was gone. I’ll tell Sr. Perpetua & Sr. Caprice – maybe we can sneak back here after dark & see where it goes.

My trip – the Come-and-See Week with the Sisters of Our Lady of the Most Holy Trinity (SOLT)

Society of Our Lady of the Most Holy Trinity is a mission order. They are located in many countries including Philippines, Papua New Guinea, Thailand, Italy, and Belize. In the United States they are located in Kansas City (MO), Robstown (TX), Corpus Christi (TX), Holman/Bosque (NM), Seattle (WA), Belcourt/Dunseith (ND), and migrant work in Kentucky, Nebraska and Wyoming. I was at Belcourt, ND for my Come-and-See Week.

The SOLT Order is both a contemplative and active community. Their charism is ecclesial or family teams, serving with the SOLT Priests and SOLT Laity, thereby witnessing how the Trinity lives, three persons in one God, they live as three vocations in one family.

“The Society of Our Lady began serving the native people of Northern North America in 1995 when Bishop James Sullivan of the diocese of Fargo, North Dakota asked the community to shepherd the people of St. Ann's Parish in Belcourt, the only town on the Turtle Mountain Indian reservation [located in north central ND, with Canada bordering to the north]. The ten thousand people on the reservation are predominantly Catholic because the Chippewa Indians intermarried with French fur traders over one hundred and fifty years ago. Today the Society of Our Lady is also responsible for St. Anthony Catholic Church and St. Louis Church with its mission, the Immaculate Heart of Mary in nearby Dunseith. In the summer of 2003, the Society was also given the parish of St. John and its mission, St. Benedict. In nearby Dunseith, is situated a convent where the Sisters have a house of formation for the initial stage of religious life. They help to serve in the parish, school, and have a visitation ministry.”

Sr. Mary Emmanuel is the Director of Vocations in the United States. We talked quite a bit about the SOLT Order, their Charism, and Apostasy. She also asked me many questions on how I knew I was being called, what I was looking for, where I see myself in 5 years, my background, and my family & the Church. We mainly stayed in Dunseith, just outside of the Reservation. But she also gave me a tour around the Reservation and showed me around St. Ann’s Mission, the elementary school located on the Reservation, which enrolls about 325 Chippewa Indian children. We then went to the local Nursing Home and visited some of the home-bound. Most of their work is in the 3 Parishes off the Reservation, visiting the elderly, home-bound, and sick. They also serve with many of the Parish’s ministries, and of course, teach at St. Ann’s.

We had to get up at 5:30 am to get ready for morning prayer at 6:00am! The sun wasn’t even up yet! Then we did some spiritual exercises, although it seemed a bit quirky to me. Mid-day we had prayer, again, and the Rosary, then spent a Holy Hour in front of the Blessed Sacrament. I think I fell asleep a couple times (I hope I didn’t snore!). Holy Mass was around 4:00pm and then we ate dinner. Evening Prayer was at 6:00pm, Night Prayer & Liturgy Preparation was at 8:00pm. By 9:00, I was ready for bed! Every day, the same routine! It is so different there than it is at the Monastery.

I also helped them get ready for their 50th year Anniversary (July)! The main event will be held in Corpus Christi, TX, but because all of the Sisters, Priests, Brothers, and Laity can not attend, they were going to have a celebration in North Dakota. They even have a blog! http://www.soltsisters.blogspot.com/ They showed me pictures (posted on the blog) of their visit to NYC, when they attended Mass, celebrated by Pope Benedict XVI, at Yankee Stadium. You can see their excitement in their faces! How awesome!

The Reservation has decreased greatly in size due to allotments of land being sold in the 1930’s. Many Chippewa Indians live just outside of the Reservation and throughout northern North Dakota and into Montana. There are about 70 families who live on Turtle Mountain Reservation that make a living through farming (6,000 acres is dedicated to farming). There are a large number of families who are unable to make a living from the land, who follow seasonal employment, mainly migrant workers. Each year, however, there is less demand for the seasonal employees and unemployment continues to rise. Some work on railroads, some in the Turtle Mountain Jewelry Plant, others are working at the North Dakota State Tuberculosis Sanitarium (in San Haven) and others have found employment in Rolla and surrounding areas.

Because of the increase in unemployment and declining visitors to the Reservation, alcoholism has increased, as well as trying to find ‘healing’ in other places other than God. Thus, the need for the SOLT Sisters, Brothers, and Laity. They have their hands full…but God increases the strength in their hands.

Sorry so silent!

2008-06-09T00:15:00.003-05:00

Well, I feel better knowing that Sr. Max is alive and well and still among us. And she just looked awful with that bee sting! She has to carry an "Epi pen" with her now, otherwise, if she gets stung, she might DIE! I feel so bad hobbling around on crutches, knowing that I really am fine but Sr. Max could DIE if we're working outside and she gets stung!

Today Father spoke a lot about the Gospel, and being called. And he really emphasized what it means to be called, and that we all are, in some way. He went into great detail about how Jesus called people, and Father even named us, and other people he knows.

We didn't have Mass here at the Monastery...on Sundays we actually go to a local parish, and Father aways has one of the Masses. He was really enthused, and, well, I don't know if it's just me, but Father seems a lot happier now than he did even a month ago. He seemed a little disgruntled before, but he's been smiling more and has just seemed more...content. (Is that a word?)

Anyway, just an observation. Maybe its just the season, all the ordinations and stuff, and the good weather. But he's been full of good advice lately and he hasn't even been cross with me when I've screamed about the spiders or the ghost, and even said he'd come over and bless our wing if the ghost promised not to come back. I don't know why he was looking at Brother Gus when he said that, though.

Well, it's been quiet around here with so many of us "down" and Sr. Perpetua is off brooding as usual. It's nearly impossible to get her to talk. Mother Frangelico and Father have been really busy, and Brother Brit has been working on his application for the Dominicans. He's promised to tell me more about them.

We will be back to posting soon, about our vocation stories and life here at the monastery...and our name! We will be choosing a name!

Don't Worry - Bee Happy

2008-06-06T05:40:00.004-05:00

Mo'ber Frangelico let me cobe hobe early. Norb Dakota was okay - not what I exbected. Albough the Sisters and Brubbers were really nice and God was truly working wib bebm, it just wasn't the blace for me. And since I was stung by a bubmble bee and bmy libs are the size of two tennis courts, Mober Frangelico brought me hobe early. I'be been in bed for the last two days.

I tried going to Mass yesterday, but after singing the entrance songb and seeingb myselb drooling, I decided the best plabe for me was in bed. Sister Berbetua was gracious to bring the Holy Eucharist to me the last coubble days. Fbabber and Brubber Gus eben came in abter bey cabe hobe late to see how I wasb.

Albough, I'bm not quite sure about Sister Cabrice. Wheb I webnt to be babroom last night, we saw each ubber in the hallway and she was as white as a ghost! I wobnder what wab going brew her mind? She just kinda stobbed dead in her tracks anbd stared at me like I was brum Mars.

Whob kbnowbs? I'bm just bery glad I'bm hobe. I'll tell ebryobne about the trib later. Ribt bnow I just want to go to bed.

The Ghost is BACK!

2008-06-05T07:33:00.003-05:00

Oh, dear, the ghost is back again, and this time I think he's getting MAD!

This morning I woke up, and I'm still hobbling around on crutches, and it's hard to open doors and the like. And I'm just NOT a "morning person"!

Well, I was fumbling with the door to my cell and as I opened it, right there, before my eyes, stood a life-sized priest! For a moment I thought it was Father, because this guy was wearing a dress...I mean...cassock...like Father does. And he was just STANDING there, looking down, wearing shades, and I was CERTAIN I was in trouble for something!

And I couldn't help but let out a scream because I was so surprised!

Then I realized it was the large cardboard cutout of that poster, but with just the priest in it, and it had been placed right in front of my door! It's actually a good thing that I'm on crutches because I would have run right into it had I left my cell as I normally do!

And the pictures in the hallway were all gathered around my doorway, and on the opposite side of the hall.

But what I want to know is...why is that cutout, of all things, in front of my door? I know that Father and Mother Frangelico were brining it and some other vocations things in last night for a fair or something they're preparing for, but I saw that cutout go into the guys wing where they have a storage room for such things. It MUST be the ghost that did it! I mean, ghosts can get through walls, maybe they can bring solid objects through walls, too!

During morning prayer, Brother Gus and Sister Maxine kept glancing at me, and both of them were coughing. Sister Perpetua kept rubbing her mouth and nose for some reason, as if she was suppressing a sneeze. I asked her once during Mass if she needed a tissue. And she shook her head and then started coughing really hard.

Oh, dear, I hope everyone isn't getting sick!

Maybe the ghost is making them ill!

All Walks of LIfe

2008-06-03T21:15:00.002-05:00

I've remained a bit quiet of late, hoping the Sisters and Brothers would tell their stories. But alas, it's been busy around here of late and the end of the day brings exhaustion - for ALL of us!

Had I known what Father and I were getting into, believe you me I would not have begun this project! We are but a fledgling community and already Sister Caprice has tripped and fallen into a grave, is walking on crutches, we've an ex-witch among us (albeit reformed!), Sr. Maxine has left for North Dakota (likely to come back pale as Sr. Perpetua and shivering from hypothermia, no doubt), Brother Gus is...well...how do you solve a problem like Brother Gus? And Brother Brit...the apple of my eye!

But the Lord is faithful and all we have to do is trust. Right, Father?

Shadows and Goth

2008-06-01T18:43:00.004-05:00

Mother Frangelico and Father and everyone else have been after me to write down my story. Most of them have. I think it's boring. Usually, I just write free-verse poetry, and I used to go to poetry slams where I lived before, but I guess I don't get to do that now. And that's fine. They're just a bunch of posers, anyway.

I'm a Goth, and I don't remember when I started being Goth. It's nothing scary, and there are different degrees of goth, ranging from a style of dress to getting into vampire stuff (the human kind, stuff I'd rather not discuss here), and other things. It's not all occult, but there's a lot of occult with it, and I'm willing to admit I got into the occult thing.

Mostly for me, though, it was about the clothing. I usually wore all black, but otherwise I liked big dramatic colors. My hair is actually naturally very dark but I've been dying it ebony black for years now, sometimes have tipped it in neon-like red. And I am naturally very pale. I'm actually almost allergic to the sun so I've always had to cover my skin or I burn on the spot.

Anyway, my family was pretty normal but my parents just worked all the time so I found stuff to get involved in. I liked theatre, but preferred to do stuff in the background. And I got into costuming especially, and makeup. I was considering that as a career, and even did a stint in New York on Broadway as an internship through Juliard. Yeah..I went to Juliard. So what?

Well, I said my family was "normal" but that was outside of their "careers". Mom was a fortune-teller in the Dells in Wisconsin during the summer. The rest of the year she worked in the library at a school, but in the summer we all packed off and lived in a Queen Anne bed-and-breakfast in the Dells. Dad ran the business. Mom did her own thing in a parlour down the street. She was a Christian lady, though, and gave the people who came to her a lot of "Jesus-talk".

When I got older, I got into her business, too, and did palm readings, I read auras and did aural photography, and on Hallowe'en we always did seances and stuff. I also got into Tarot cards, although Mom wasn't thrilled with that, said they were tools of the devil, and she was right.

I got really addicted to the cards..it got so I'd use them every day to tell me what to do for the day, and they were really accurate about things. And that's the danger. That's why she wanted me to stay away from them, but she didn't even know I had them. I actually drew my own cards, and she didn't know it.

Around that time I got into Wicca, and Mom wouldn't have approved of that either, but I kept going to Church with her. She was Catholic, but in her own past had exposure to Voodoo and Santaria and some other weird religions, and some Sisters she knew actually taught her Reiki and the like, so that was her birth into the occult. Some of the Sisters even came to her for readings, and I did some of the readings of Mom was busy and the entire "convent" was there and she needed help. That was my first exposure to religious life.

I used to talk to the Sisters about Wicca, and they were already turned on to it, actually directed me to a coven locally. They weren't involved in the coven themselves, but some of the coven came to the Sister's retreats and stuff, and were speakers. Starhawk was a big speaker there, talked about the Sacred Feminine and Gaia and stuff, and it was fascinating to me. The Sisters had me visit them a couple times and I wandered through their labryrinth so I could discover myself and my own inner diety, and the spark of the divine that we all were supposed to have.

Well, even the Sisters warned me away from tarot and they didn't know I was already doing it. After that, I started using a ouija board, and really weird things started happening. I used it in our house, and in a nearby old cemetary, with the people I knew. Some of the women in my coven knew we were playing with ouija and they warned us away, but we kept up. And that lead into some dabbling in voodoo and the like. We found a Voodoo priestess once on a trip to Louisiana and she gave us some tips and even guided us in a seance using the board.

I'd rather not talk too much about the weird things, but I started getting really angry and I started cutting on myself. It wasn't because I wanted to...it was because I was completely compelled to do it. Against my will. And sometimes slashes would appear even if I didn't do it myself.

They put me in a psych hospital at first, thinking I was suicidal, but really I wasn't. I was terrified, but I didn't know how to tell everyone what was happening. It was a great irony; here we were, an occult family, but no one would believe me that I saw demons. They thought I was mentally ill. Mom thought that what she was doing wasn't real and that it was just entertainment. And I thought the same thing until I learned otherwise.

Well, they decided I was "sane" and let me out, but then finally an aunt suggested my Mom take me to a priest. She didn't want to go, but the aunt persisted and drove us. to the church, maybe an hour away. I don't remember most of the trip...for some reason I blacked out completely.

I do remember candles and the priest talking to me, and a sensation that my skin was burning, and I remember saying some really awful things that I never wanted to say to ANYONE. I can't remember a lot of it. But I do remember being really sweaty and tired, and waking up and everyone looked sweaty and tired, and the priest was really pale himself. But there was a strange feeling of freedom. And they asked me to go to Confession, so I spoke to the priest for awhile. There wasn't really any prep..he just kinda talked me through it, and asked about all the occult activities and such. I was afraid to speak about some of it, because Mom had really gotten me into it but then Father had told me that he'd already spoken with my Mom, and that no matter what I said he wouldn't be able to say anything to her and he wouldn't judge her, either because this was about the life I was living. So I told him what I remembered and what I'd done and how it happened. I think we talked for over an hour.

He told me to get a Spiritual Director, and referred me to someone who specialized in this sort of thing, because he said it was like an addict; I had to be accountable or I'd be back on his doorstep. I wasn't really understanding whta he was saying and he knew it and told me I'd understand more later. And that I could call him or come see him if I had any other questions. And he made sure Mom had his number, too.

That's all I'll say for now. I'm still Goth, but I'm not into all that stuff. Maybe I'll talk about it more later, but not now.

Cemetary Cleanup

2008-05-31T20:30:00.004-05:00

Well, I, for one, am THRILLED that Sr. Maxine isn't going to be around for a week! She's been teasing me mercilessly about going to Hell for thinking priests are cute.

And for the record, I don't think ALL priests are cute, just SOME of them! And that's all I'll say for now!

So...anyway...on with what we REALLY did today...

Around our unnamed Monastery, we do a lot of work outside on Saturdays, and our biggest project is the cemetary. We've whacked all the weeds, and today, Brother Brit, Brother Gus, and Father went to work on cutting down small trees that have grown around the gravestones and they used the weed-wacker to get rid of a lot of the weeds that hide the snakes. Some of the graves are really sunken in, so we have to be really careful about walking around. And in all our chopping, we found an even OLDER section that's barely marked! And that area is really treacherous so Father told us not to go in there at all for now, and we'll all tackle it as a group. And he has some concerns about some other things, but I saw he and Sister Perpetua exchange a "look" so I think something is up.

Well, we are working on re-setting stones, and we're going to work on some landscaping and try to find out who's really buried there so we can pray for them and maybe even contact their families, if it's possible. It's such an old cemetary that we think there's a good chance that there are descendents out there who may be interested in our work here on behalf of those people who went before them. And maybe we'll open the cemetary to the public; right now it's cut off from the public because it's part of the monastery grounds but we might be able to construct a fence or something.

Later in the day, Father left for some other obligations, and Mother Frangelico had to return some phone calls so it was me, Sr. Max, Br. Brit, and Br. Gus in the cemetary. We were really hot, really tired, and all of us really dirty from all the hard work. Well, Sr. Max and Br. Gus were working on one project, and the next thing I knew, something came sailing through the air and landed on my shoulder...a really HUGE spider!

I completely freaked out, started screaming, and ran away into the part of the cemetary that we were told not to go into. I didn't really realize I was going there, and as I ran, Br. Brit actually tried to stop me, and he did brush the big spider off. He was yelling something, but I couldn't tell what he said, and Sister Max and Brother Gus were laughing.

Then I remember stepping down and the ground sorta "crumbled" and I fell and there was this terrible pain! I fell so hard that for a minute I didn't realize what happened. I was all by myself in the woods, and I saw the spider was gone, but I was in a bunch of weeds and brush, and buckthorn! I'd stopped just short of the buckthorn, but it scratched me up pretty good, anyway.

I tried to get up but the ground was still crumbling, and my ankle hurt terribly and couldn't put any weight on it. I didn't want to yell anymore, becuase I figured they would just think I was screaming about bugs again, so I should just get myself out. But I COULDN'T! I couldn't walk and the only thing around me to grab was the buckthorn! And I didn't want to scoot across the crumbling grave...the idea of falling into it with sunset approaching was just awful. And there weer storms coming, too!

But then I heard Sister Maxine yelling for me, and she wasn't laughing, but I didn't trust her, so I didn't say anything. (Well, I did say something under my breath but that's between me and my confessor!)

And then I heard Brother Brit, and he's never laughed at me, so I did answer him, and both he and Sister Maxine were pushing through the brush. I was really embarassed and explained that I couldn't get up, and Sister Maxine went as white as Sister Perpetua. She and Brother Brit helped me up and when we came out of the woods, Brother Gus, seeing that I couldn't put any weight on my foot, told me that he would help Brother Brit carry me inside but I refused. I preferred to hop as well as I could, and told them that it was fine, I just needed some ice and it would be fine by morning. I don't think anyone believed me, though.

Sister Maxine was very sorry, the spider was fake, and she had no idea I'd go running into the thicket. Brother Brit had seen right away that the spider was fake, but I was too fast as I ran past him.

Well, we hopped into the Monastery, and even Brother Gus and Sister Perpetua followed. Mother was busy, so Brother Gus went and grabbed the ice, and Sister Maxine put a pillow under my foot. It was really painful, and my whole ankle was all bruised-looking and swollen and just moving it almost made me cry, but I didn't want to cry so I didn't.

Brother Brit told me that he thought we should get Mother Frangelico because he thought I should go to the hospital for X-rays. But I didn't want to go. But everyone else agreed. And Sister Maxine and Brother Gus were REALLY REALLY sorry, and said it was their fault, and they would drive me if Mother Frangelico said it was OK to take the car.

Just then, Mother Frangelico came out, thinking to go outside to tell us to come in because of a severe thunderstorm warning (it was a little late...it was already hailing by then, glad we were inside!), and saw the whole situation.

And she said that as soon as the storm let up, we were going to the hospital, and that was the end of the story. So, we went, and it's just a bad sprain but now I'm on crutches! I was going to go on a Nun Run this week (the kind where you visit convents, not where you run miles and miles), but now I can't go until this heals up.

We ran into Father at the hospital..that was one of his obligations. He visits the hospital on Saturday evenings, and nursing homes and stuff, and just happened to walk into the ER just after we got there.

That's a different story. They gave me some medication for pain so now I'm really tired and I'm going to go to sleep now.

Sister-Sister Week

2008-05-31T08:20:00.003-05:00

Mother Frangelico has been hounding me on finding some Order that I like. None of them have what I want - I want God's family - the Most Holy Trinity. Some Orders have a part of the Trinity, some have Mary, and some I'm not quite sure what they have.

Anyway - I've been searching and searching and searching on the internet (Mother Frangelico let me get on a couple times - but she's right beside me so I can't go to any cool sites *sigh*). I've been getting letters & emails from sisters asking me to come (some I'm not sure if they are sisters because they don't have any religious garb on at all nor any cross or medal). Mother Frangelico said I HAVE to go visit at least one of them. *sigh*

Mother gave me a link to a Convent she thought I might be interested in - Society for our Lady and the Most Holy Trinity. She said not only do they have the Most Holy Trinity, like I want, but they also have Our Holy Mother. I've contacted them and I'm going to visit them. I have to travel all the way to Texas (I think) - at least that's where the Mother House is located. Mother Frangelico is making the plans for me.

Now I have to pack. What do I take? Golf Clubs! I could take my golf clubs - there is a lot of open range in Texas - I bet I could hit those balls really hard! Maybe even hit a snake or two. Do you think I would kill the snake if I hit it with the golf ball? Would I have to go to confession for that - for killing a snake? Even though I really don't like them?

I know - I'll take my bathing suit! There's lots of ocean (well, Gulf, really) by Texas - I think they are located near Houston (??). I could go swimming! Much different than all of this dry, flat land here! Oh to be in the water again....it would feel so good. But what if boys look at me? Do I HAVE to tell them that I am going to be a nun? What if I don't tell them. awww....do I have to go to confession for THAT TOO???

Being a nun is NO FUN! No golfing! No bathing suits! What CAN we do????

I don't know what to do!

2008-05-30T21:41:00.004-05:00

Some of this comes from a comment I made to Mother Frangelico about priests, and some of this is advice I got from other people. I'm so sorry about the jumble, but I have so many questions I don't even know where to go first!

ADVICE FROM THE LETTERS:

So, anyway, I got a bunch of letters this week from friends, and people from my church. And they have all sorts of advice. My friends tell me about the habits and they sent me emails with links to different communities, and I know and love those habits. And so they've told me I should make sure I like the habit because I'll be spending my life wearing it! And so I've been looking around for habits I like, and found a few...the Sisters of Life, and the Dominicans - the ones who wear habits, that is. I like habits and won't really consider a community that doesn't have them. Because most of them just look like my grandmother and I don't want to look like my grandmother yet. (I think those "habit-less communities DO have a habit, though...pantssuits. And I think their understanding of God follows their lack of fashion sense!)

So then another friend told me to look at other things, like what they do, or don't do. And so I've been looking at all the apostolates, and I'm so confused because I want to do all of it and maybe have in some senses! But there's so much!

And everyone is back to telling me different things, and one friend says to look at the spiritualities and the charisms, and others say the same thing, but they all say different things all at the same time! One says I'm Benedictine, another says I'm Franciscan, others like the Dominicans, others like the Augustinians...and it just goes on! And one friend things I should quash it all and become a RABBI!

I don't want to be a Rabbi! And someone else said I should start an Ashram and build a labyrinth and be a yoga guru. I don't want to do ANY of those things! But some of the religious communities out there DO want to do those things! (I don't think they're Catholic even though they say they are...)

Anyway, it's so confusing! So where do I start?

THINKING PRIESTS ARE CUTE AND WHERE IT LEADS

And then...well, I'm worried about thinking priests are cute. Because let's face it, some of them are really cute! So...is it a sin to think a priest is cute? Do I have to go to confession if I think a priest is cute, if I have no intention of taking that further than realizing that God does good work and the view is good at Mass?

Oh, dear, don't misconstrue that!

This is just getting worse and worse and worse! It MUST be a sin, because I'm now saying things I didn't intend to say!

So...do I have to go to Confession for thinking a priest is cute? If I do, what if the priest I go to is the one I thought was cute? Because sometimes they have their names on the confessional, but it's someone else, or it just says "visitor" and it's a different parish but that cute priest is the visiting one? Even if I go behind a screen and realize that's the priest, how can I confess that I think he's cute? He would take it wrong and it would sound like I was hitting on him in Confession!

I would NEVER do that! Oh my goodness, I would DIE if he thought I was doing that! And it would be awfullly hard for him, too, because then he'd feel very awkward, and the Sacrament is very serious, and then he'd be embarassed. And I'd be embarassed. And if he knew it was me, I'd never be able to talk to him ever again because I just couldn't get over that!

And even if the cute priest I was worried about was not the same one I was confession to, but THAT priest was really cute, wouldn't it be like the same thing?

Oh, dear, I wish priests weren't cute! Or good-looking in any way. Now I have to go to Confession and I'd rather confess to murder.

Hey! That's an idea! Mother Frangelico and Father, if I confess to murder, even though I haven't killed anyone, would God give me credit for that confession even though he would realize that I only thought a priest was cute. Or is robbing the priesthood worse than murder, because isn't thinking a priest is cute a slippery slope that can lead to robbing the priesthood, leading to him leaving his vows for me and then depriving people of the sacraments?

Oh, dear, I'm going to HELL!

Secular Priest vs. Dominican

2008-05-30T18:01:00.004-05:00

Well, I've finally made it back to the monastery. (Hey, we really should get together this weekend and come up with a name for this place, it seems like a ship without a rudder without it!)

I've spent the last few days in prayer and retreat with the Dominican community, and one of the things that Fr. Basil there wanted me to do was to write out why I feel called to the OP's versus the Diocesan priesthood.

I've spent the last few days thinking about this, but the silence has been fruitful on my part and I've come to a deeper understanding of things. It centers around a few different aspects of life in each ministry.

First, I felt a great desire to live in a community. I grew up in a small family and have always wanted to have a larger group around me. I have always felt better when I was in a group, whether leading or just following along. It certainly is not that I am scared of being alone, after all I lived on my own for four years while I was working and in earlier stages of discernment. I just feel more comfortable in a community, with all of its faults and failings, that we can support each other in our weaknesses and rejoice together in our successes. (Plus, it's hard to play cards on your own. Yahoo! Euchre is only good for a while.)

Secondly, the charism of the order appeals to me. I love studying, reading, arguing through the minute details that don't bother others. With the Dominicans academic backgrond, I have found enough to be challenged to grow in this area, but yet their spiritual heritage also feeds that side of my soul. I briefly toyed with the CFR's in New York, but their radical embrace of poverty was not something that I felt necessarily drawn to. I don't live extravegence, but I at least need a bed! (bad back)

The wider appeal of the province than just a diocese was something else. We moved around a great deal when I was younger, and my family is scattered to the four winds, so the idea of being 'stuck' in one place was rather boring. I like the possibility of moving between states. It is interesting to see the different ways that Catholicism is practiced, yet it is still universal. Fascinating!

I am glad that Fr. Basil had me do this exercise as it helped narrow down my focus on what I was looking for in the priesthood. I had a great love for the priesthood and wanted to give my life, but I didn't know where that was going. By focusing on the aspects of community, academics, and broader based ministry, I was able to narrow down my search and find how God was leading me into the priesthood.

For anyone who is feeling that call to the priesthood or religious, this might be very helpful. Write down your non-negotiables. What are the ways that God is calling you to follow His invitation. For me, these were important, for you, there might be something else.

Ordination of a Priest

2008-05-30T12:34:00.002-05:00

As a priest, there are a few highlights of throughout the year. Obviously, the big feast days of Christmas and Easter are tremendously important, as they celebrate the key moments of our salvation wrought by Christ. The Easter Vigil, and really all of Holy Week, are particularly poignant, as well, with bringing new members into the Church. Because of the love that we have for Christ, we should want to spread that joy with others and invite them into the same mystery. Beautiful!

However, as a priest, a further highlight is the ordination of a new priest. It brings back a great flood of memories of when I was ordained and is a reminder of what we are about as priests: serving Christ and leading the people of God. As a priest, I am called to give my life as a ransom for others, and so much of the symbolism of the ordination of a priest brings out this imagery.

Let's walk through the ordination, first, shall we?

First, Mass begins as normal, with the ordinands processing in and usually sitting in the sanctuary (depending on room), as opposed to when they were ordained a deacon and were sitting in the congregation with their family.

After the Gospel, the deacon calls the candidates forth: "Let those to be ordained priest please come forward." He calls them by their full baptismal name, and they respond 'present' and stand before the bishop. It is important to know that it is as if Jesus were calling this man to be His Disciple, as He uniquely called the Twelve to follow after Him in a special way.

The candidates are presented to the bishop by the Vocation Director, or someone from the seminary. The Bishop's response always gets me: "Do you know them to be worthy?" Priest: "After inquiry among the people of Christ, and upon recommendation of those concerned with their training, I testify that they have been found worthy." Bishop: "We rely on the help of the Lord God and our Savior Jesus Christ, and we choose these men, our brothers, for priesthood in the presbyteral order." (Action alert! This is one of the few areas that I know of that the missal actually states 'the people show their approval by an acclamation or round of applause. Every time I go to an ordination, this seems like the best round of applause I ever hear!)

Only after the men have been called, questioned, and then reseated is the homily given.

After the homily, the ordinands are questioned by the bishop about working with the bishop, celebrating the mysteries that Christ has handed down to us, preaching, and being united with Christ the High Priest. This last is responded by: "I am, with the help of God!" The promise of obedience is repeated by kneeling before the bishop.

Alert: Something Missing! In the Rite of Ordination of a Priest, there is no commitment to celibacy, that was already done at his deacon ordination!

Finally, one of the most powerful symbols and the thing that always seems to strike the first time visitor at an ordination: the praying of the Litany of Saints while the candidates lay prostrate on the floor, stretched out before the Altar. It is a sign of tremendous humilty that the candidate lays down his life for the sake of the Gospel, for Christ. He calls upon his guardian angels and saints to guide him to be the best priest possible, he submits all that he has to the Will of Christ. When he rises, he is no longer just 'Tim,' he is 'Father' and a living icon of Christ. What respect, what power, what an awesome moment.

At the end of the Litany, the candidate goes before the bishop who lays his hands on his head in silence, and is then followed by all the other priests in attendance who do the same. Each priest passes along, hands down the gift that he has in his priesthood to these new priests. The chain is unbroken from the present day all the way back to Christ.

The prayer of Consecration recalls the events of salvation history, exhorting the new men to be faithful workers in the Lord's vineyards.

The priests are now vested with the vesture of their office for the first time: the stole and chasuble, and his hands are anointed to offer sacrifice to God.

Finally, the people bring forth the gifts which are then presented to the newly ordained with these words: Accept from the holy people of God the gifts to be offered to Him. Know what you are doing, imitate the mystery you celebrate; model your life on the mystery of the Lord's Cross.

The presiding bishop and other priests welcome the new members into the rank of the presbyterate and Mass continues.

Aaahhhhhhhh........ I can still smell the Chrism on my hands even these many years later.

The Sanctification of Priests

2008-05-30T08:56:00.002-05:00

As this is a house of discernment, we cannot let the day go by without addressing this very important fact: TODAY is the World Day of Prayer for the sanctification of priests! Father is likely very busy today, but if he has time, he may pop in and have his own wisdom to share.

But just in case he can't, I just want to say a few words about this. We need priests. Pure and simple. And as everyone knows, there have been a series of crises in the priesthood, ranging from priests losing faith, "going over the wall", abuse...all sorts of things. The reality is this; priests are men, but they have been called by God to fulfill a particular purpose for the salvation for all of us. They are our Fathers, they are our brothers, and they carry quite a cross every single day.

If a priest isn't holy, the flock he leads can't be holy, for he is the example and he is the one who stands in for Christ. We've already faced the crisis here with regard to the idea of women in the priesthood. It's impossible, and it's not necessary!

In our day and age all sorts of people, especially feminists, are crying out for an end of priestly celibacy and the admission of women to the priesthood! How ridiculous! We only need to look to the denominations of Christianity that have tried that experiment to see that it doesn't work! They're struggling to find true spiritual leaders, too, and they're all fracturing even further!

People, pray for priests! And ladies...remember your manners and your boundaries! Priests ARE spoken for, they ARE married...to the Church! So pray for them, for there are women out there who don't see Holy Orders as an "obstacle". In college I knew young ladies whose entire goal in life was to rob the seminary...such that other groups of devout young men and women found it necessary to do all they could to protect the young discerning men from such vultures! DON'T BE A VULTURE!

Pray for priests! Offer your rosaries, your Divine Mercies, pray Stations of the Cross, "adopt" a priest especially to pray for, encourage men to consider the priesthood, and do all you can to ensure that it doesn't end today; this is a devotion that should carry on perpetually!

Today we thank God for the great gift of the priesthood...and we pray for many more to be called from our parishes and homes and families.

Cemetary Life and the Priesthood

2008-05-29T21:58:00.003-05:00

We had a long day in the cemetary today, and I think that Sister Maxine and Sister Perpetua and I all became a lot closer. It was hard work and the gnats are out and so are the flies and mosquitos, but getting rid of all the weeds will really help!

And you know what...I found out that Sister Maxine is afraid of SNAKES! So when she saw one and screamed, I ran over and saw what had startled her. It was a big black and yellow snake, not sure what it was but we chased it away. I think was harmless and really just wanted to get away so we didn't do anything but help it on its way. But I think she and I now have an understanding...I won't bring her snakes, she won't bring me bugs.

I'm not a fan of snakes, mind you, but they are a fact of life and we have to deal with them. As long as they don't have 8 legs, well, I'm fine!

As usual, Sister Perpetua was completely stoic. Does she react to ANYTHING?

Anyway, when we came inside we really had to clean up and then we had some free time. So I hit the computer and started to do some research, and found out that tomorrow, May 30, is the World Day of Prayer for Priests!

Well, we have Father to pray for, and we have Brother Brit and Brother Gus, so we decided that tomorrow, all of us are going to pray for them especially as, well, Father IS a priest, and Bros. Brit and Gus and possible priests. So we're going to spend extra time in prayer and offer up all the things that happen tomorrow on their behalf.

We're not sure about Brother Gus, though, but no prayers are wasted!

The Cemetary

2008-05-29T07:37:00.002-05:00

I've wrote of, and now Father has, of the cemetary we've been cleaning up. Sr. Perpetua has been helping me this week, but I think we'll have to get Father and maybe the Brothers out to help with some other stuff. There's some downed trees that have to be cut up and I'm wondering if we can re-set some of the headstones? Some are quite beautiful but really toppled.

And this morning, Sr. Maxine agreed to join us. There ARE some really cool epitaphs, and I found one that is actually readable, looks like St. Augustine's quote, "Our hearts are restless, Lord, until they rest in Thee." But I can't read the name of the person buried there. Could this be a Catholic cemetary?

The only thing that worries me is that Sr. Perpetua was mumbling something about "the dead" and some stuff about Voodoo. I was afraid to ask, but I suppose she'll talk about it when she's ready. That seems to be going around.

And you know...don't tell Sr. Perpetua, but after this week in the sun she's gotten some color!

ENOUGH!

2008-05-28T19:12:00.006-05:00

That's IT! Sister Caprice, Sister Maxine, Sister Perpetua, and Brother Gus....it's over! And I know Father's here now, but this has been LONG overdue! There's something to be said for allowing you, as ADULTS to just settle your own arguments but you have ALL gone too far! Between the sick pranks and the snotty jabs, I have HAD IT! And you should be glad Father isn't around this week or you'd all be out on your ears!

In fact, I've still half-a mind to send you off packing to visit the Brothers and Sisters of St. John in FRANCE and let THEM deal with you!

The question came up...why are you here? Well, let me tell you why you're here...to grow in charity. And every single ONE of you is failing miserably in that department! You've all had opportunity after opportunity to take the high road and instead, you've all tried to sink lower than the last guy!

I will NOT tolerate this behavior in the monastery or anywhere else!

Settle this issue among you NOW or pack your bags! And I'll not hear of it again!

And Father...welcome back. I'm glad you had such a wonderful weekend, and really glad you haven't been around here the past few days!

WHO LET HER IN??!?!!??

2008-05-28T18:58:00.002-05:00

WHAT'S THAT BUG LADY DOING IN HERE?!?!?!

I hate bugs! And I think Sister Maxine has already gotten the clue when I went screaming out of the common room the other night. DID YOU SEE THAT SPIDER!!!! Father, I'm serious, it had like 40 some legs and was all twitchy and eeky and ugh!

Can't we do something about that woman?

Oh, Father, why didn't you take us to the Ordination of priests? I mean, I think I want to be a priest and all!

What hath we wrought?

2008-05-28T18:44:00.004-05:00

What a wonderful and crazy weekend, and the week has started off with a bang.

First the weekend. I was out on Saturday for an ordination of a priest whom I got to know even before he went to the seminary. I like to think that I helped him in his discernment a little bit way back when. I'll fill in more details later this week.

Then Sunday. The high of seeing a new priest ordained was quickly disturbed by Sister Maxine. (Brother Gus, please refrain from name calling of your sisters!) I wondered what got her going, so.

What got me going, you ask? Well, there is such a great connection between the priesthood and the Eucharist, that to celebrate an ordination on this weekend kinda got me juiced up. Mother Frangelico ribbed me pretty hard about 25 minutes, but I just got on a role and all the homilies I've ever given on the topic just came back to me in a moment of inspiration.

Like Sister Caprice mentioned, we do have a cemetary in dire need of repair. It seemed like a good progect for the girl to work on, so she's been spending time out there cleaning and pulling weeds and stuff. A little manual labor never hurt a discerner; makes one appreciate the value of work and those who do sweat for a living.

Allelujia Chorus it Wasn't

2008-05-27T15:21:00.002-05:00

Father's sermon was tremendous! The Body of Christ, the Eucharist and the Church, Jesus our Savior, the Most Holy Trinity - I got so carried away that I made a verocious 'Allelujia' right smack dab in the middle of his homily! He was getting so excited that it made me excited and it just came out! I startled everyone, including myself! I definitely woke Brother Gus & Brother Brit out of their trance-like state.

I think Mother Frangelico may put duct tape on my mouth during Mass from now on. .Hey - I'm used to shouting a big 'Amen' or 'Allelujia' in the South! Just because you northerners can't take it...

Now their calling me 'mouthy Maxine'.

Quiet Weekend

2008-05-26T18:05:00.003-05:00

It's been really quiet this weekend. Brother Brit is visitng the Dominicans for an extended retreat, and in spite of the fact we have two newbies, well, they've been sent elsewhere, too.

I'm the only one they haven't sent out yet, although Mother Frangelico had said she wants me to go on a Nun Run or to a Vocations Conference. Neither has come up, but I get the idea that they don't want me to go yet. I did ask Mother about it, and she suggested, considering my most recent talk with Father, that it might be best if I get settled into a routine first and just learn to "live in the present." So she reinstated me as sacristan, and put me in charge of the web page, and just do stuff around the monastery. And it's peaceful, and I admit I like it. But sometimes I get the feeling they're walking on eggshells around me, like I might break or something if there's a loud noise.

Now I wonder if I said too much? For goodness' sake, I'm not going to fall apart if someone raises their voice here and there!

Anyway, I've changed the font color again in honor of Memorial Day and all those who have paid the ultimate sacrifice, and all those who have served our country. We had a special Mass today and we did visit a nearby cemetary, and decorated graves that appeared to be somewhat neglected.

On the Monastery grounds, there is an old cemetary, doesn't appear to be connected to a religious community, but is maybe an old family or town cemetary. We've decided to clean it up and adopt those souls, so they are people we pray for every day. Mother Frangelico is busy looking up some old town records as most of the gravestones are unreadable now. I wonder if Sister Pepetua would come with me to do gravestone rubbings? I think we could pick up some names to help Mother Frangelico in her research!

And {{shudder}} maybe Sister Maxine can study interesting bugs out there. I don't know if she's artistic or wants to do grave rubbings, but she can do that, too, if she wants.

Anyway, the oddest thing happened...I think we live in Bermua Monastery. Because the other evening I was walking behind Sister Maxine and Sister Perpetua (although she's hard to see in the evening because with all that black she blends in and kinda looks like a disembodied face in the dark), and they just DISAPPEARED!

I was right behind them, our cells were further down the hallway and I looked back towards the cloister door when I heard a "click" like the door was opening. Only it didn't come from the door, so I was confused. When I turned around, they were both GONE!

For awhile I thought they'd been taken by the ghost, so I ran up and down the hallyway, looking for them. And then suddenly, POOF! they were there again! And I asked them where they'd been, and Sister Perpetua told me in her completely flat way (she must be from the midwest...she doesn't even have an accent) that they'd been there the whole time and wanted to know why I was running around like a fool looking for them.

I was completely chastized, and then Sister Max started coughing and wiping her eyes. Maybe my running around stirred up dust. I bet she's allergic to dust. I apologized and said I'd dust our wing in the morning so that she wouldn't suffer more than necessary.

Sister Perpetua and I seem to be the only ones not affected by allergies in this place.

All Creatures Small & Smaller

2008-05-26T15:13:00.004-05:00

Since I introduced these wonderful worms and spiders to Sr. Caprice, Mother Frangelico requested me to go on a silent weekend. Apparently, Sr. Caprice just doesn't appreciate these tiny creatures like I do. Mother Frangelico gave me 'Opening to God' so I can learn how to pray. Apparently the 'Amens' and 'Allelujias' that I shout out during morning Mass just isn't the way they pray here in these parts.

Sr. Caprice, however, has seen the need to summon me every time she sees a spider or bug in this large Monestary. (When Mother Frangelico & Father are going to decide on a name is beyond me). I had a jarful of spiders that I kept by the window. When Mother Frangelico saw it, she demanded me to let these dear creatures go outside (my words not hers). So obediently, I went out, in the pouring rain, and let them out by a large pine tree.

When I came back in, I met Sr. Perpetua. She seemed a bit interested in what I was doing outside in the rain. When I told her that I love bugs, especially spiders, she kinda smiled (I think - it was difficult to see behind the black lipstick). We decided after dinner, during our free time, we would sneak around the convent looking in all of the nooks & crannies to find some great looking spiders. We found some jumping spiders and daddy long-legs and some creatures that I had never seen before. Unfortunately, I left my entomology books back with my parents in Willacoochie.

However, that's not all we found. We found a secret hallway from the linen closet in the 3rd floor all the way down to the kitchen pantry. We also found another secret doorway into a small hall that led to the boys side. I have a feeling Sr. Perpetua and I found where the so-called ghost came from. (that gives me an idea! I wonder if Sr. Perpetua would help).

Uh-Oh...I hear footsteps. gotta go.

Oh, Dear!

2008-05-24T21:39:00.002-05:00

Our happy little home is getting bigger by the day! And we still have a brother yet to join us!

As if Sister Caprice all by herself wasn't enough, we now have Sister Max with her love of bugs, Brother Gus with his pranks, and now, Sister Perpetua, our newest addition, with all her....baggage.

Yet Father and I realized, when we began, the population we'd be serving and seeking to guide...and sure enough, the Lord keeps answering! Father is gone so much so much of the burden falls on me, but given all we have going on I'm going to have to ask him to be more invested here!

Sister Perpetua...there's a story!

You'll get to know her as time goes on, and I pray the others will draw her out. She wears nothing but black, even her nails are painted black and I'm going to have to confiscate her black lipstick and eye shadow! Only the Lord knows what color her hair REALLY is...He's the only one ever to have seen it! That black dye simply makes her look like a corpse, so I suspect she's really an Irish redhead! Even she doesn't know!

I've never met anyone quite like her. Pierced, tattooed, gothic...?

Really, we wouldn't have taken her but a dear friend of mine called me and asked me to offer her a space and a place to go. She gave me some history, all the communities she's visited, all the places she's been. This young lady needs a home, and she needs guidance. She's not a criminal, exactly, so they can't just send her to the county. I agreed...and I sense Father is going to have a HUGE problem with this! But we can't turn the poor soul away...

Pray for us!

Here We Go Again

2008-05-24T20:33:00.004-05:00

Hi. I'm Sister Perpetua.

Not much to say. I got here today, Mother Frangelico told me to just write an introduction so this is it. Hi.

I've been everywhere. I've done everything. It's all boring.

I tried being a Benedictine, but the shade of black they wore wasn't my color. So I went to live with the Carmelites, but they ate too much. So I left. And I visited the Dominicans, but they wanted me to preach and I just don't see the point. The Sisters of Divine Providence kicked me out of the convent.

I don't see the point in any of this.

I see there's a ghost here. That's cool. If it's a ghost or if it's not I'll get to the bottom of it. I used to be into Voodoo and stuff, investigated all kinds of "hauntings". They're usually not ghosts.

I don't even know why I'm here.

That's all.

The Ghost!

2008-05-24T06:05:00.002-05:00

I woke up this morning, and once again, all the pictures are up-side down in the hallway! And while the statues haven't moved, the pictures DID! They didn't just turn upside down, they switched places!

We should see if Father will let Brother Gus come and watch our hallway at night because he scared the ghost away last time. Or maybe Father would prefer to stay up and keep watch himself, as he wouldn't want to go back on what he said and allow Brother Gus over here at night.

But if Father will just come over and bless our wing again, maybe the ghost will go away! I mentioned it to Sister Max, and she started coughing.

Both her and Brother Gus seem to have the same malady! She was really tired this morning at Mass, too (but at least she didn't drool when she fell asleep!) And I offered to go to the infirmary to get her some claritin or something but she refused, said she doesn't have allergies, but when she finished coughing she was wiping her eyes. So I KNOW she's got allergies, because that's a telltale sign!

And Mother Frangelico and Father spoke with both Brother Gus and Sister Max yesterday and said that their interest in bugs is fascinating, but they aren't allowed to bring them into the monastery. And Mother said that we can't get beekeeper uniforms, although Sister Max liked the idea, too. I'm not sure why she was on board with that, because I thought she liked bugs, but it's nice to have a little solidarity.

You know, I can't figure out why, when I ask these questions Mother Frangelico and Father both just shake their heads and walk away. And they start coughing sometimes, too, and wiping their eyes.

Am I the only one in this place that doesn't have allergies?

A What?

2008-05-23T12:45:00.002-05:00

I'm completely flummoxed, I tell you! Sister Caprice comes running into my office, asking about whether they can wear "habits." And her eyes were just as big as saucers and she nearly dropped a HUGE stack of books she was carrying...and then she DID when her shoe caught on the rug and it all went flying all over the office!

And she was so apologetic I didn't even scold her for dragging her feet again. And I completely forgot to ask WHY IN THE WORLD she was carrying that huge stack anyway? I thought those were the ones from the living area she'd put out for spiritual reading this week?

Anyway, as we picked them all up she asked if we could wear habits, maybe along the lines of a...will you believe THIS...a beekeeper's outfit, with the mesh and the hat and gloves and whole bit!

I asked why, and she mumbled something about bugs and spiders and if it can keep out bees it must be good to keep spiders away, too. And she's also asking for mosquito netting for her room!
Then before I could answer she took off again with that huge stack of books.

What has gotten INTO that girl? A beekeeper's uniform? Mosquito netting? Why, it's not even above 60 degrees yet!

Sister Max gets Started

2008-05-23T05:52:00.005-05:00

Howdie Y'All!
Yes, that is a Southern accent you hear. I'm from Willacoochie, Georgia, a small town just north of Valdosta. My parents work in Valdosta at the local hospital - both are doctors. My dad is a Proctologist and my mom is in Biomed, with Nutrition specialty. I tease them that they see food coming & going! (I have their sense of humor)

Why am I here? Well, you see, my parents are more into science than they are into God. It was my uncle, Uncle Max, short for Maximillian, that gave me the yearn to learn more about God. I am named after my Uncle Max. In fact, we were both born on the same day - August 14th, which is also the feast day of St. Maximillian Kolbe (although he wasn't a Saint when my uncle was born).

Anyway, I used to go to Uncle Max's for vacation during the summers. We would take long walks in the woods and he would show me the insects, bugs, and other 'creepy crawly' things (he's an Entomologist). During our walks he would also tell me about God and his faith. Now, you see, my parents never taught me about any religion or God, they believed that we needed to be earth-friendly and respect all life but that was all. But Uncle Max, knew there was more to life than just earth, sky, creatures, he knew there was a Savior who became like us to save us. He would also tell me all about the Bible Stories and the Popes. My favorite stories are about Daniel, Shadrak, Meshak, and Abednego.

Uncle Max is my dad's brother. He was the black sheep of the family because he became Catholic. However, my dad and Uncle Max are twins so we could never keep them separated, even though my grandfather tried.

So, during college I converted to Catholicism; my Uncle Max said he would be my God Father when I was Baptized & Confirmed. My parents came, but they were not too happy, although they understood, I think. We don't talk about it much - especially since I decided I wanted to become a Nun.

I am also an Entomologist and love bugs and other creepy crawly things! You can see God's sense of humor when He created bugs...especially worms! Did you know that you can cut a worm in half and both halves would live? They will also regrow the parts that were cut. Cool beans! Sr. Caprice - isn't it just wonderful??? Just look at how it squirms in your hand. Want to hold it?

My love of God filled my soul 'til I could just feel like burstin'. I had to do something, so I decided to talk with one of the Sisters at the Church near the University. It was through her and Uncle Max that I decided I had to give my life to God, fully. So, here I am.

Brother Gus - want to go lookin' for spiders in the woods when we get done?

I might as well start packing!

2008-05-22T15:23:00.002-05:00

Father is seriously MAD at me! Whew, I haven't heard anyone yell like that since we ran Steve H. up the flagpole by his underwear in high school! My ears are still ringing!

Something about we just moved in, statues are worth alot of money, respect the property, being on the girl's side of the dorm.

Whatever, dude, I was just trying to have a little fun on my first night here. So what that I slept through Mass! It's not like we aren't having one tomorrow. I tried listening to the readings this morning, but I can't understand mother's accent!

That was morning prayer that I slept through? That was so confusing, if Sister Caprice wasn't there I would've been totally lost, as it was I was still only partially lost. Geesh, who came up with that thing anyway? And I'm supposed to get FOUR of those books! I can't make it through one!

Good thing I only half unpacked last night, because I think Father was about this close to kicking my little backside out this morning.

Oh, he made me say: "I promise I will stay out of the women's quarters."

So, sorry Sister Maxine, I'm not allowed to help you move in.

Mysterious Happenings

2008-05-22T06:13:00.003-05:00

Last night I kept hearing noises in the hall, but I was tired and thought I was dreaming. Then this morning when we got up, I saw that all the artwork in the hallway was turned up-side down! Even the statues were turned backwards, facing the wall, and I'm not going to tell you how a couple of them had been arranged!

At first Mother started to blame me, but I swore I didn't do it, and she saw that I wasn't strong enough to move the statues at all, so she figured out then that I really was telling the truth.

And at Mass and morning prayer, I had to sit next to Brother Gus, to help him learn how to pray Liturgy of the Hours (he had to look off of my book) but he kept falling asleep, so I had to keep nudging him to keep him from Mother's notice.

But once he SNORED so I quickly started coughing to cover that up. Mother looked at me strangely from the other side of the aisle, but didn't say anything, and Father didn't seem to notice.

I'm still wondering how the pictures and statues had their positions changed. Do we maybe have a ghost?

Before breakfast, I asked Brother Gus if the noises last night had kept him awake...did he hear noises in his hallway, too? He just looked at me strangely and kind of made a choking noise but turned away and started coughing (I guess my cough is catching!), so didn't answer right away. When he did he said, no, he hadn't heard anything at all. So I told him about the pictures and statues in our hallway, and was afraid maybe we had a ghost.

He started coughing again, so I told him maybe he was so tired because he maybe had allergies, so told him I'd go to the infirmary to get him some cough syrup or claritin or something. He told me he was fine, but I do think he has allergies because that time he was wiping his eyes when he stopped coughing. I'll mention Brother Gus's allergies to Mother Frangelico and Father so they can make sure he is able to sleep at night.

And maybe Father will come and bless our wing again so that the ghost will go away.

This place is HUGE!

2008-05-21T21:06:00.002-05:00

Wow! You need to check this place out! It is amazing, there's little rooms all over the place, and the yard inside the walls is fantastic, we can play frisbee, have a barbeque, maybe a little football, even soccer if that's your thing.

OH, wait, me? I'm Brother Gus, and just moved in. Well, the Gus is short for Augustine, but you know that takes too long to type out and there's more important things to do, anyway. Besides, 'Augustine' sounds too stuffy, 'Gus' is much more relaxed and stuff.

Anyway, I'm hear to discern the priesthood and am not sure where I'm going. I just got out of college, and still need a job. I met once with the vocation director, he said 'I had issues.' whatever that means, jeesh, stuffy old guy!

Well, I got to get unpacking and Father said I had to be at the early Mass. What time was that again???!!! Man, I hope I can take a nap afterwards!

Overwhelming Week!

2008-05-21T20:42:00.002-05:00

I have to greatly apologize to Sister Caprice for the last few days. I've been terribly busy with some obligations outside the monastery and haven't had a chance to check in on her. She probably thinks I'm avoiding her, definitely not the case!

Anyway, Sister, I want to reiterate what I said in our meeting, and give some of the direction for follow up.

First off, many many folks who have gone through even a small amount of what you told me Monday have lasting scars. It affects relationships all over the place, even (and especially) our relationship with God! When we've been formed to be hated, how could God love us, when no one else does?

However, when we look to Jesus' ministry as He walked this earth, whom did He especially seek out? Those who were on the margins of society, those who were shunned and hated by everyone else. In that way, He still reaches to those who are in need to offer them healing, to offer them forgiveness, to call them back into relationship with God. Sometimes the bigger struggle is accepting the Love that is the free gift from God.

Sister, it comes over time, slowly wake up to this possibility; then your vocational discernment will start to take on a new direction and vitality.

The stations that LM published are excellent, and as someone deals with a situation such as this, meditating on the stations of the Cross are an excellent way to deal with our own sufferings, to unite them with the Cross of Christ and with Him to over come.

Anyway, it is getting late and the new brother is waiting to use the computer. Please be kind, he seems to be a bit on the wild side. (We're expecting a few more to join up in a few days as well.)

New Brother!

2008-05-20T20:51:00.001-05:00

I forgot to mention, before going to Vespers..we have a new "postulant" joining our community! Brother will introduce himself once he gets settled. Please make him feel welcomed!

Also, just a reminder, we'll be voting on our Monastery name soon, and once we have it Sister and I will work on creating a sign to put out front.

Broken Homes and Vocations

2008-05-20T20:32:00.002-05:00

There's an epidemic in this country, and throughout the world, and it is this that many of us believe is the cause of the "Vocations crisis." God is indeed calling souls to serve Him in all capacities, but part of knowing how to hear that call comes from the relationships built within a healthy family.

I still remember a priest once giving a homily on this very problem. He was speaking about another priest who was telling a little boy all about the love of the Father, and about who the Father is and what he does, and on and on. And finally, that little boy, in tears, bursts out, "NO! My father beats me!"

How can that poor child possibly understand the love of the Father, the REAL love of the Father when the only example he's had has been one of arbitrary harm? And how can a woman learn to see Mary as her Mother when her earthly mother didn't do anything to reveal the divine love that was supposed to be manifest through her to her child? There's a serious disconnect.

And it's not a problem just in abusive families like dear Sister Caprice's. It's a problem found in divorced families, remarried families, and the like. It's not that God isn't calling; it's just that there is no context to provide for the children to hear that call.

I did not know Sister Caprice's story or how serious it was for her. And I see now how God has brought her here to be with us so we can give her an experience of family. It's no wonder she is so confused! What is a wonder is her sweet temperment! How does a girl grow up like that and still grow in charity? Divine Grace, that's what. And she's been sent to myself and to Father.

And she may sometimes be a thorn in our sides, but Glory Be, that's going to sanctify us, too!

We will have more discussion on this widespread problem as time goes on.

Meeting with Father

2008-05-19T15:58:00.003-05:00

So, like the title says, I had a meeting with Father today. And gardening yesterday didn't help, and I couldn't even hide the fact that I was shaking! It wasn't like Confession, where I could just go behind a screen, and in this case, it wouldn't have helped, anyway. We were actually in the living area, which was nice. I guess if we had other people here, we couldn't have talked in that room because they would have been around. And Father's got a really nice office and even has kind of a "sitting area" there, too, but it's still an office. I guess you just can't take the office out of the office!

Oh, OK, sorry, I'm delaying. And I'm sorry, this is going to be really long because if I don't write the whole thing I'll get scared and never bring it up again.

So I talked to Father today, and he saw right away that I was shaking so started talking about other things, I guess to put me at ease. It helped a little bit, and he even told me a few stories about growing up - it seems he was really...well you should let him tell you about the helicopter and the tree! And so I told him about the time in high school when we were TP'ing a friend's house at Homecoming, but they let their dog out (a really BIG one!) and we ran to the end of the yard, climbed the fence, and as I fell down the other side, a nail caught my pantleg and split it almost to my hip! And I got cut, too, but didn't care because it really wasn't bad and it gave me an excuse to turn my jeans into shorts! So that's kind of how our conversation went, just trading a few stories about growing up.

It kinda made me feel like I knew Father a lot better, too, more like a friend. (But he's still "Father"!).

So by then I had quit shaking and didn't feel like I was going to cry. I'm not sure how he did it or what he asked me, but suddenly I was telling him about Mom and about my Dad and Step-Dad. I know it was about some good things, like what we did on holidays and stuff like that, family vacations, school events...normal things. And their things I haven't thought about in a long time. But after a little while, he asked me something and I started to freeze up because it made me think of some things that happened when I was little, I try not to think about it.

And he told me that it was OK, nothing I said was going to be upsetting or shocking to him. And for a little while I couldn't speak, so he handed me a kleenex and asked me if I wanted to talk to him a different day? I shook my head because I figured maybe it was time to tell someone, and I had a sense that maybe he'd actually understand. I think he and Mother Frangelico are the first people I've ever met who even CARED! And maybe it was that, more than anything else that made me cry.

So finally I explained that ever since I was really little, I'd been abused. Mom wasn't physical, but she always told me I was dumb, every chance she got. She used to tell people, right in front of me, how long it took me to learn to walk or to be potty-trained, and it was like she did everything she could to make me look like an idiot, even when I was just little and couldn't have known any better! I knew other adults who laughed and kinda teased me, but they weren't mean about it...Mom was always mean. That never changed, just got worse when I got older.

I didn't write this as part of my discernment story, but when I told Mom what I was thinking, I said that she cried and thought I'd just go knock on the convent door and be admitted, but that's not what happned. She ACTUALLY said that even if I went there, they probably wouldn't let me in because I'm too stupid to be a nun, she never wanted me, and so God would never want me, either.

So...um...I lied in my discernment story about what Mom said. She didn't cry, either. She just laughed at me. I was the one crying.

And Father actually DID seem shocked by that! And he told me that God DOES love me, and that He would never reject me, because he sent Jesus to die for me, and that no one would say I was "too stupid" to be a nun! He actually complimented me and said he does think I'm actually pretty smart, Mother had told him the same thing before I even met him. And he actually seemed sincere!

No one has ever told me they thought I was smart. Maybe a smart-aleck but that's it! And so there I was, crying again, because he was being so nice to me!

And then Father asked me about Dad...the first one. I don't remember a lot, only that he and Mom were always fighting, she was always throwing things at him, I remember he used to hit her, and sometimes the stuff she threw hit me and no one noticed. I got hit on the head once with a flowerpot. I think it just "glanced" my head, but it really hurt, and I remember waking up in the hospital, and a nurse was there, but Mom and Dad weren't. The nurse told me to be more careful when helping Mom with the plants so a ficus tree wouldn't fall on me again.

And when Mom and Dad brought me home, they told me that I should go to my room when they were arguing. They made me feel like getting hit with a flowerpot was my fault!

I can't remember much else about that. Dad wasn't around much. I think he hated me, but he never hit me, on purpose, that I can remember. He used to yank and drag me around and he was impatient, but he didn't call me names like Mom did, not that I could hear. And I think he's the one who took me to the hospital when Mom threw the flowerpot at him, the one that hit me instead. But other than that, other than him yelling at Mom and hitting her, I can't remember much.

They got divorced, because he met "someone else", and I didn't know what that meant, but whatever it was, it made Mom angrier than ever, but I was just little so I couldn't stay away from her. And my older brother was little too.

So then after awhile Mom got remarried. By then I was older...by several years. He was just like her. He was big, and rough, and drank a lot. They both did, Mom really got into that after they met. And he made fun of me right along with Mom. They picked on my brother, too. He also had a couple kids, but they lived with their mother and I got to know them here and there, they were fine, but we all kinda knew we couldn't help each other. Their Mom was a lot like ours, although not quite so mean. I wished I could go live with them.

And he didn't hit Mom...he hit me. If I did anything, like if I spilled milk, he'd pick up what was left and throw it in my face. If there wasn't much left in the carton he'd pour it on my head and make me take what money I had out of my allowance, give it to him for "milk".

And I never knew when he was about to get angry. I learned to avoid him when he was drinking, but he was mean when he was sober, too. After awhile, he started hitting Mom, too. He'd hit anyone who came near him.

So I was telling all of this to Father, and he just listened, and finally I got to a point where I didn't want to say anymore. Not today. And he understood, and suggested we pick up our conversation later on.

But he first said that he understood why I lied in my discernment story, and no, he wasn't angry with me, and no one would fault me for it. And he suggested I go back and edit my story. But I told him no, since I was writing this it's kind of a retraction and maybe it would be more honest in the long run if I'm willing to show my faults, too. And he understood that, too.

And he asked me what I thought when I heard the term, "Father" or "God the Father." And I had to think about that. I don't have an answer. I love Jesus, but I don't think of Jesus as "Father". Even though I believe in the Trinity. Fathers kinda scare me. Or don't matter. One or the other. Nothing in between. Father himself is nice, but I kinda think of him as just a title. And I told him that, although after today I think of him more as a person now, not just, like, an employer, a boss.

And he asked me what I thought of the word "Mother" and what that means. I didn't really know at all.

So he asked me to think about it, and he thanked me for talking to him, and thought maybe I'd had enough for today. I was pretty much crying the whole time. He suggested maybe I pray Stations of the Cross, for my family especially, and that maybe since I love Jesus, see if I can imagine being in the place of Jesus and my family, the people described in the prayer book he gave me. And he suggested I look for an image of Mary that is most comforting to me.

He said that we can't choose our family on earth, but we have already been chosen by our family in Heaven..God, our Father, and the Mother of God. And he said that God is my Father and Mary is my Mother and I have to get to know them.

There's more to the story, and I feel better after talking to Father. He was so nice! And I told him that if it's helpful to other people, he can share what I told him today, too. We didn't talk about everything, and he knows there's more so we'll meet later this week or next week, when there's time.

Blessed Trinity!

2008-05-19T06:40:00.003-05:00

I apologize that I did not get this written yesterday. Somehow, the day just got away from me!

You may wonder why I used the image of Jesus' baptism in the Jordan to represent the Trinity; what many people don't realize that this is a beautiful expression of the trinity! We have the voice of the Father, we have the Son, and of course, the Holy Spirit descended upon the Son "as a dove".

It's a beautiful passage for all of us to meditate upon as we consider the love of the Father, who have His only Son that we may have eternal life. That means that Jesus, as the second person of the Holy Trinity, thus God Himself, descended into the waters of the Jordan.

Why did Jesus, who was without sin, need to be baptized? Because entering the water, descending into the water, represents descending to the netherworld; it represents His acceptance of death. (If you look at icons of Jesus' baptism and compare them to icons of the resurrection, you will see striking similarities!)

At that moment, salvation history continued as Jesus gave His OWN Fiat, taking the sins of the world upon His shoulders, for he descended into the Jordan not for his own sins...but carrying ours. And when He emerged, and the Father's voice boomed across the heavens, and the Holy Spirit descended as a dove, what did He do? He went off into the desert to pray. To ponder these things in His divine, loving heart, and to be tempted.

Jesus gives us an example here; when we believe God is calling us, although the heavens won't open and doves won't descend upon our heads (we hope!), we should recognize that we are at least being called to pray. We have to withdraw, to go "into the desert" to pray, so that we can listen clearly to God. It's the wrong thing to do to immediately jump out and start acting upon what we think we've heard. We may even need help in discerning what we are perceiving.

So, for those who are discerning their Vocations to married life, consecrated life, or the priesthood, it's imperative that they take time out to pray, and if they can, find a good spiritual director to help them sort out their thoughts and even prayers, and help direct them along the path where they will find God's will.

Nervous

2008-05-17T21:57:00.003-05:00

On Monday, I have to go talk to Father. I asked to do so, and I think he kinda has an inkling as to what it's about, but every time I think of talking about it, I just start shaking. It's kinda like how it was when I hadn't been to Confession in a really long time, but, this is worse.

I talked to Mother about it a little, and she was very understanding, but recommended I keep my meeting with Father; she thinks it's important that I do, and she told me to be open and honest, too.

But it's stuff I've never talked about, and even Mother Frangelico doesn't know all of it. And maybe it's not a big deal and I'm just building it up and scaring myself. Or maybe not. But one thing Mother said is that I have to talk about it to them, when I think I'm ready, because I have to learn to trust them.

And that's it, right there! I have a hard time trusting people. But already in starting to talk to Mother Frangelico, when I couldn't say anymore or just couldn't, she just told me it was OK and I didn't have to continue. And she said Father will be the same way and won't force me to say more than I'm comfortable in saying. But she said they're there to help.

And I know that's true. But just the idea of bringing this up makes me want to leave the monastery so that I don't have to talk about it. But I know that would be wrong and I'm safer here than I've ever been anywhere else.

You'd think an adult woman wouldn't agonize over something that probably happens to a lot of people (because no one comes from perfect families!). So I'm really scared to go talk to Father but maybe I really do have to, and maybe it won't be so bad as I think.

He's gone this weekend, and so is Brother Brit, so I've just been thinking about things and trying to calm myself down. It helps that the weather is nice and so Mother Frangelico and I spent the afternoon outside doing some yard work and weeding and stuff like that.

I should go..it's time for night prayer and I'm late! Good night!

I'm so Embarassed!

2008-05-17T19:32:00.002-05:00

Well, Mother Frangelico explained to me that a "Nun Run" is not a type of marathon. Well, not the kind you run in anyway. So the good news is that I don't have to go into serious training for it.

Basically, a Nun Run can be anything from a day-long visit to several communities, or it could be maybe a week long or so, visiting different communities, maybe one per day, especially if there's a lot of travel between them. Sometimes they stay overnight at one place and then another. So it's all in how it's set up.

I'm kinda sad I won't be getting my running shoes out again, though. But happy my rosary will stay active!

Re: NUN RUN!

2008-05-16T17:10:00.002-05:00

NUN RUN!

2008-05-16T16:12:00.002-05:00

Mother Frangelico suggested a couple posts ago that I go on a Nun Run. I hadn't previously mentioned to her that I used to be in track, and she didn't know that I really LOVE running. I've gotten so out of shape, though. :-(

But someone told us about this one, coming up in October:

Nun Run" on Saturday, October 27th - Visit four women's religious
communities! Join the "Nun Run" on Saturday, October 27th and visit four women's religious communities in the Cleveland Diocese (Sisters of the Holy Spirit,
Ursulines, Carmelites, Sisters of the Most Holy Trinity). From 10:00AM - 4:00PM
you will have the opportunity for prayer, tour, discussion and food.
For more info or to register contact Sr. Lenore Thomas, IHM at
lthomas@dioceseofcleveland.org Must register by Monday, October 22nd.

That really sounds terrific! To go running with so many wonderful Nuns, but I'm not in shape to be able to run for so many hours. They must all be a long ways apart. It seems to be a sort of race, maybe they all start at the same point, and each convent or monastery or house or whatever is a place to get water and snacks so we can keep running to the next one.

In other cultures around the world, there were people who ran, would race from one village to the next, and whoever got everyone there first won! (I'm not sure how they figured out who won, though.) I imagine this Nun Run must be similar to that.

I'm quite excited, and so happy I have some time until October to train for this! It seems like a big goal, but people run marathons all the time, so I'll just go and look up how they train for it and put myself on a regimen.

Thanks for suggesting this, Mother, and thanks to Anonymous (what an ODD name!) for telling us about that one!

Nuns in Cleveland must do a lot of running. Don't they have transportation there? Oh, well. Maybe it's healthier for them to have to go everywhere on foot.

Reminder: Monastery Name

2008-05-16T11:45:00.003-05:00

Please don't forget that we're still seeking a name for our Monastery. So far we've received the following suggestions:

* St. Perpetua
* Our Mother of Perpetual Hope
* Our Lady of Perpetual Help
* St. Jude
* St. Raphael
* Divine Mercy
* Monastery of the Saints of the Wildflowers (* sigh * What are we to DO with you, Sister? )
* Monastery of the Saints of the Dandelions (My goodness, we have GOT to get out and do some yard work!)

Keep them coming, people! We're going to make a decision on names next week!

How Discernment Got Worse

2008-05-16T08:00:00.000-05:00

Mother Frangelico and Father have been after me to finish my discernment story, and I promise, I'm almost done! I took a break considering I thought I wasn't going to be here anymore, so why waste the time? But they have been good to me, and I'm starting to actually trust them. That's new.

Anyway, in my last discerment post, I'd said that things were getting worse.

And they were. First it was people "shouting" at me from all directions. And then one day a few of them began asking me which communities (especially those that they favored) I'd gone to visit. NONE!

First, because the ones they favored weren't interesting to me. And of those that were, I couldn't afford to go. I either had to fly or drive a long ways, or something! But I couldn't get a ride to the airport, or a sub for work, or someone to feed my cats and my bird! NOTHING!

EVERYONE who had said they would help disappeared when I explained what I needed. I was completely abandoned. (Not that that was new to me.)

But when I said that I hadn't gone anywhere yet, those same people started yelling at me and telling me what I should be doing and when and where!

But I knew, in my heart, that the timing was wrong, and I shouldn't go...yet. It was a combination of things; it didn't "feel right", I couldn't pay for it, and no one was willing to help me where I needed help. I knew that God was not asking me to starve my pets. He was asking me to be patient.

But "everyone else" knew better, apparently, and they wouldn't leave me alone. They wouldn't stop telling me what I should be doing and when, according to THEIR schedule. And who to ask for money, and when. And it just wasn't right. I can't explain it...it just wasn't right. It wasn't time.

It wasn't that I was unwilling to go..it was that I couldn't listen to God for all the yelling around me, and in my soul I knew it wasn't time to go to this or that place and I was trying desperately to listen to GOD and not everyone else. But they wouldn't stop, so finally I just dug in my heels.

I think I stopped listening to God, too. And I don't know how to start listening to him again.

But there was something else. When I started looking at communities, I went about it as if I was looking for a career. It was a lot like my career searches in high school and college. Lists of things, tests, what I could get out of this or that order or community. It wasn't about God. It was about me. I was looking at it as I'd look at a career. And my friends, the ones "shouting" at me were a lot like that. The same thing had happened back when I was choosing a career. And I went down all the wrong roads just trying to get away from them.

I didn't want to do that with God, so I just quit. I stopped discerning. Because I didn't know where to go or what to do, and the people I had to help me weren't helpful. So I just stopped, and I told God that if he had a plan for me, he had to tell me or send me to someone because I couldn't figure it out on my own...or with others.

So it's been a few years, I've been totally lost, and finally Mother came along and took time to TALK to me. And she asked me about it, and she brought me to Father to talk about it one day, too. And they both decided I was perfect for the Monastery. So here I am. I'm still not sure what to do or how to do it, so I'm just discerning whether I should be discerning anything.

Or maybe I'm called to nothing at all.

* sigh *

I just don't know yet.

Father's Discernment Story

2008-05-15T21:00:00.000-05:00

Since is seems everyone else is writing these things, I've got to weigh in too. :(

You may be wondering how a boy from the Northeast ends up running a Monastery in Minnessota. I can tell you, it wasn't a straight shot.

I was born and raised outside of Boston, and luckily my family attended a nice little parish there by the name of St. Mary's. Vatican II happened during my formative years, but the pastor there thought this whole idea would blow over, so he did rush any changes through. As I began my journeys through the Church in my discernment path, I was very thankful for the leadership Fr. Brookhaven gave in those tumultuous years after the Council.)

College in New England just wasn't going to do it for me, so I headed south to find warmth and new opportunities. That's right, Florida, baby! I found a small liberal arts college near the beach and packed my bags and headed down there with all the snow birds.

It turns out that Fr. Brookhaven was a better influence than I thought and I started to feel a call to seminary and to the priesthood. Seeing as how Florida was still mostly a mission territory, I joined up with one of the dioceses down there and was sent to seminary in the area. It was a great time of prayer, of learning about the faith, although the solid faith that I was taught as a youngster was starting to be eroded by craziness in the seminary. A small band of us were able to hold together and help each other through the seminary.

The greatest day of my life, tho, was the day I was ordained and was able to celebrate my First Mass. Wow, to be able bring Our Lord to the altar and give Him to His people, unbelievable!! Saying Mass is still the highlight of my day, everyday.

Well, sadly, things went downhill shortly thereafter. My first pastor was a real tyrant and we just did not get along. A new bishop came in and starting attacking us 'conservative' priests. I really just wanted to serve Our Lord, I didn't hardly even know what 'conservative' vs. 'liberal' really meant.

I had some real struggles at that point, and began questioning my faith in a new way, in a way that I had never had before. I had to get out of that place, evil things were happening.

Throughout the 80's, I slowly made my way up the mid-west, I joined a few dioceses while still officially connected with Florida. I felt truly like a Roaming Catholic Priest, helping out where I could and stopping at monasteries in and around the deep south and midwest.

By the 90's, I got associated with a Benedictan community, and even though it was a great place, it just didn't feel like home. I had had a few contacts from the home diocese, but just couldn't bring myself to go back there. Every message I got in prayer was that it was wrong, even though I had the promise of obedience. The new bishop was much nicer than the tyrant, as I came to know him over my years of diaspora.

By the turn of the century, I got to know Mother Frangelico over a period of years and we started to discuss the idea of forming a community that could help those who were spinning wheels as we were. After looking around for a number of years, we finally found the place that we now call home. It feels good to have a purpose again, to have a family again. So often duing those years, I felt like an orphaned father.

I really do love working with Sister Caprice and Brother Brit, as they have that sincere desire to follow Jesus (even if that gets misplaced at times!) I see in them alot of similarities to what I went through in my many wanderings. I am glad to offer them the assistance that I can, while also holding down a few other odd jobs here and there in the Church. I am sure they will come to light eventually.

Well, that's the highlights of my journey of discernment. I hope you enjoyed, and now you understand why I snapped so hard at Sister the other day. It brought up so many demons from my past, and I've brought them to confession already and ask for Sister's forgiveness and understanding as well.

God Bless!

Dominicans can pray!

2008-05-15T18:34:00.004-05:00

Since Father and Mother have both been hounding me to give the report on my excursion to the Dominicans earlier this week, I better finally get around to it!

Wow! What a parish! There are tons of young families there, each with it seemed like 4-8 children; all well behaved and attentive at the evening Mass that I happened upon. (I went after work, as it seemed a good crowd did too.) It was as near to paradise as I've been in a long time.

The Church is set up in an old English Monastery style, (before Henry VIII went all nutso and destroyed everything!), with a choir section for the friars, a beautiful wood and ivory communion rail, and carvings of saints at every corner. As you walked in, there was just tremendous soaring of spirit, and prayer erupted from the heart.

Imagine my surprise when after Mass the crowds stayed, and didn't immediately run off. They had adoration for about an hour while some of the friars heard confessions, and one of the brothers there came out and led us in devotions. After the deacon gave Benediction, and put Jesus away, the same brother came back out and gave a wonderful talk on discernment (I so wish that Sister Caprice could've been there!)

The highlights were as follows:
- prayer before the Blessed Sacrament is vital to hearing where God is leading you.
- as you are drawn to a community, read about the founder (or foundress) and see how God led him or her to address a specific need in the life of the Church.
- take small steps to explore life with the particular community, including making contact with the Vocation Director.

As I sat there and heard snippets of Brother Jerome's testimony, my heart was burning within me and I just felt completely drawn to the community.

I am not sure where this is going to lead, but whenever I think of life as a Dominican, my heart starts to race. Father, could this be a sign?

Oh, I forgot to answer the question that I was sent there to address in the first place! Why is Eucharistic Adoration so important in the discernment of a vocation? I asked Brother Jerome this question after his reflection. Simply put, he said, it is in Eucharistic Adoration that we come face to face with Our Lord, truly present. As we gaze upon Him in the Monstrance, He stares back into the depth of our souls and calls us to die to the self and live for Him. Besides when we receive Him in the Eucharist at Holy Mass, we are never closer to Him than when we pray before Him in the Blessed Sacrament.

This all made so much sense to me. I am hoping that we can start more periods of Adoration here at our monastery, whatever we'll call it, in the near future. After all, once we get rid of those horrible felt banners, our chapel could be almost as nice as the Dominican's!

Housekeeping

2008-05-14T23:02:00.003-05:00

As I am Mother Superior (I'm not sure what Father's formal title would be in this case...Prior?), it falls on me to be in charge of certain "housekeeping" issues.

Firstly, although we are the Brothers and Sisters of Perpetual Discernment, we cannot call our Monastery by the same name. It's boring and inane...and long. We need to name our Monastery.

And so, Father, Sister Caprice, and Brother Brit, I am calling upon you to submit Monastery titles to me. And we can ask our public to do so as well. What do you think defines our way of life here? What are our goals? What spiritual things do we so admire? What type of Monastery name compliments our mission and our discernment?

So...please submit your entries below. We will vote of them as a community.

Secondly, our goal here is DISCERNMENT. Meaning we are discerning SOMETHING. Brother Brit is well on his way and still has to write of his experience with the Dominicans, and I think Sister Caprice can learn from him. But I think we need to be a bit pushier. I realize with all the recent drama she's a bit shell shocked, and quite indecisive, so we're going to aid her in making some sort of choice.

I'm sending her on either a Nun Run or to a Vocations Fair so that she can get some contact with different communities and different Sisters and different ways of life. Father, I know that you've been attending many Vocations fairs and conferences and the like...please take Sister with you on the next one. I'll work on finding a Nun Run for her.

That's all for now. I think small defined steps are more important than many big ones that go nowhere.

Back to Discernment

2008-05-14T22:53:00.003-05:00

Father and I formed this little community in order to aid our young adults in discerning their vocations. And with all the drama lately, we've gotten off track. Certainly, life can seem to "get in the way", but in doing so, it often reveals maybe a stumbling block; a reason why some people can't seem to take the next step.

Our dear Sister Caprice has many many stumbling blocks, but we know that somewhere, she is serious about wanting to recognize where the Lord is calling her. And we know that because she agreed to come here and live in the monastery, which really can be quite an alien way of life. However, we aren't strict monastics; we have structure that seems to work more like that of a structured family as opposed to a religious community, perhaps because we are so small.

I've been a bit irritated with what seems to be so casual a life, but then I consider new discerners, or perpetual discerners...and I realize that they aren't ready for the rigorous schedule of hardened monastics. We are but a way station, and maybe for some, a haven that will allow them to hear God speak.

God arranges things according to the needs of the souls that come to Him, and, of course, to us, and WE, also, need to discern how the Lord is calling us to serve these in our charge.

I believe it is written into the Rule of St. Benedict that those who are new to the monastic life be given much leeway as a period of adjustment; if they must live rigorously and sacrifice too much too quickly, they may become discouraged and fail. They are used to a life of comfort; to live in a monastery is a sort of culture-shock. And so, slowly, each new person must be given the chance to adjust and slowly learn the proper sacrifices of this life.

And so, we here at our Monastery must do the same.

It seems that this is as much a learning experience for Father and I as it is for Sister Caprice and Brother Brit.

Improving

2008-05-14T10:21:00.004-05:00

This morning after prayer, Mother and I had a long conversation while preparing breakfast, and she explained a few more things, and gave me a book to read. It's not very long, and I've already started it: "The Privilege of Being a Woman" by Alice von Hildebrand. She said the book will help me understand who I am as a woman.

Then she explained that Father doesn't hate me, and she'd spoken with him, and that he wanted me to come to his office after breakfast. So I went, and my heart was in my throat. I was so certain he was going to kick me out! But Father said right away that he'd seen the comment that I'd made and that I should know first of all that he most certainly doesn't hate me, and secondly, that being confused isn't grounds for dismissal. Then he quizzed me on what Brother Brit had said, and made sure I understood why women can't become priests. And I DO understand now, and I'm OK with that.

And we even joked around a little bit about the women who think they're priests are are going around wearing colored garbage bags.

But then he got serious again, and he apologized for shouting and for being so angry. And he said that he didn't want me to leave the monastery, especially because of him and his temper.

After that, he kinda tried to get me to talk more about my family, growing up, and stuff. But I almost started crying and couldn't speak at all so I just shook my head and refused to talk about it. And he said he understood and that maybe he shouldn't have asked, especially considering that he has a lot to make up for right now. But he said (real nicely) that his door is always open and I can come talk to him any time. And that before I make announcements maybe it would be better to make sure he and Mother Frangelico know about what I'm thinking before I do anything, including writing about it. And I agreed. The whole thing could have been avoided if I were just a bit more prudent.

But I feel a whole lot better now, and the monastery seems like it's peaceful again.

OK! I'm going to go to the chapel and tell Jesus that we're all friends again!

Monastary Living

2008-05-14T00:05:00.002-05:00

Whenever one lives in community, it's like a family, and it becomes one quickly. We formed our little community somewhat haphazardly, yet realizing that this was what God was calling us to do. As you can see, it's not all perfection and holiness and sweetness!

Please allow me to explain our surroundings and some of our lifestyle!

Firstly, Father and I have known each other for years, and he can tell that story. I've spoken enough of myself. Father can explain how our monastery came into being because, it really happened at his behest.

About the monastery; the Archdiocese happened to be "sitting" on an old convent on a plot of land somewhat near the chancery. It's a building that is listed on the Minnesota Historical Registry, so they were trying to figure out what to do with it. It's consecrated, it's in decent shape, and the sisters that used to inhabit it actually discerned themselves into paganism and out of existance. The last Sisters left for the nursing home maybe a year ago. It's a beautiful facility, if a bit old. We have a main entrance and a sitting room for receiving guests, and then our common area.

We have a common area for all of us; Brothers, Sisters, Father and I, things to share such as the refrectory where we take our meals together. And of course, we have one chapel. Currently, we do not have the Blessed Sacrament exposed at all times simply because the four of us cannot cover 24 daily hours of Adoration. But Jesus is present and currently, Sister Caprice is our assigned sacristan (although I'm removing her from that duty for the time being and Brother Brit will be handling that along with his altar service duties.)

It's a beautiful chapel, but in unfortunate need of more decoration. Proper decoration!

Each day we rise at 5:00 am for morning prayer and Mass, and then both Brother and Sister are off to their jobs. As this is a monastery for perpetual discerners, they are working in regular secular employment. When they return at the end of their work day, we have Vespers and then share in the responsibility of cooking dinner. (Father is a FABULOUS cook, although he's too humble to say so. Brother Brit has a few things to learn about Cooking 101. Sister Caprice learned from her Grandmother, and I...well...I'm a Mother. What do YOU think?)

After cleanup, we have recreation, spiritual reading, study, etc and while we don't have 'Grand Silence" we do enforce a certain curfew after Night Prayer.

Our Monastery has two separate "cloisters", branching from the community room. Father and Brother Brit share one wing, and Sister Caprice and I share another. So although both men and women share space, we maintain strict separation, including separate community rooms in the event that it's necessary. Truly, this is a beautiful space.

And it has the most wonderful architectural design as the entire Monastery has at its center the chapel reserving the Blessed Sacrament!

Yet it's not idyllic. We all have personalities, we all have our struggles and our histories, and as you see, we often clash. It's sometimes a difficult life, but one that, if we do it right, can prepare a soul for their true Vocation.

One of these days I'll explain part of my vision for this Monastery. It has to do with the necessity of some to experience family life. Too many of our young people don't recognize the call because they don't understand the love of the Father.

But that's for another day.

We are looking for "postulants" for our community. Please email I or Sister for an interview and formal invitation!

Uncertain Future

2008-05-13T21:22:00.002-05:00

Well, ever since my "announcement", the world has been in an uproar. I spent most of last night and today in the chapel, praying.

No, really, I was crying most of the time...I couldn't even pray!

Father was shouting, Mother was shouting, and I had nowhere to go! So I went to Jesus, but it was so much like how I grew up, and I just kept waiting for something to come flying through the air to hit me.

Oh, I know that Mother Frangelico and Father would never do that, but, well...I just don't want to talk about it. I've never spoken of it. I don't want to start now. But maybe that's why Father always scares me. I'm just always waiting for someone's hand to fly up...

Um, I don't want to talk about it.

Anyway, I fell asleep in the Chapel last night, and woke up with an imprint of my rosary on my cheek. It was so embarassing! So as soon as I cleaned up, I just went back to the Chapel, because I couldn't bear even the thought of Mother Frangelico's comments or Father's baleful stare.

And it was their silence, more than anything, that scared me. NO ONE was saying ANYTHING! And that's worse than the arguing, and I knew that I was at fault for all of this.

But then Brother Brit came home from his retreat, and I couldn't even LOOK at him when he came into the Chapel. And he didn't say anything, at first, but his silence wasn't like Mother's silence or Father's silence. It was different. He didn't even know what was going on. And he didn't avoid me. He actually came and knelt down beside me, and still didn't say anything.

And then he took out his rosary and even though I still couldn't even look at him, I understood that he was asking if I wanted to pray it with him, so I did..I was still holding mine. And we prayed the Sorrowful Mysteries, and then a Divine Mercy. And a couple other prayers.

Then he finally asked me what happened, because I think he realized I wasn't going to say anything. And I couldn't. And even with his question I almost still couldn't. But finally I explained that I wanted to be a priest and how everything had blown up.

He was actually really nice about it, and didn't really react at all, just asked me why I thought I wanted to become a priest. So I told him, and he asked a few other questions. And I kept waiting for him to get upset, but he didn't.

So then Brother Brit explained the reasons why I can't become a priest - and he already told you what he said. And tonight, when doing dishes, he explained more and told me where I can go and read some more about it. What he said makes sense, and I wouldn't argue with even a word of what he told me!

But I think it might be too late. I think that I'm going to get kicked out of the Monastery, and I think that's why Mother Frangelico and Father haven't been speaking.

I don't know what I'd do if I got kicked out. I don't have anywhere to go. And I think Father hates me.

What happened?

2008-05-13T15:10:00.004-05:00

I've been away for two days, and upon my return I see Father storming out of the place, Mother seems fit to be tied, and Sister Caprice is in the Chapel crying?!?!?

As an update, I've been over visiting the Dominicans as Father instructed me. It turns out that they are a wonderful order, very prayerful, young, dynamic and in love with the Eucharist.

I'll fill that in later, as Father seems to need a refresher on Adoration and Eucharistic Exposition. What seminary did he go to, anyway?

Anyway, the most immediate response seems to be to call Sister Caprice down. We entered the community at about the same time and have had many late night talks in the community room. She really is a very devout woman, deeply in love with Jesus. I can understand her desire to be a priest; as handling the Sacred Species and being able to celebrate the Sacraments is such a unique thing in our world. Trust me, this is a misguided love.

I talked to Sister for about an hour today, and I think we're going to reconnect after dinner as we both drew dish duty.

So far I've explained to her the importance of the priest acting in persona Christi; that is, he stands in the place of Christ who was (and is!) inescapably male. Certainly the care and compassion that tends to be embodied in women is also a reflection of the Divine Love, but as a person, a man is better able to represent Christ, especially in the celebration of the Sacraments.

She seemed to understand this, so far.

Tonight, we're going to discuss that because Christ only called men to be His closest followers, the Twelve, whom we see as the first priests and the predecessors of the Apostles; that the male priesthood is a divinely inspired mandate, ie: something we cannot change, even if we wanted to.

Like I said earlier, I am convinced that this was just a moment of misguided religious fervor from our dear Sister. I will talk to Father and Mother later, as they seemed to have disappeared right now, to calm them down and explain that Sister Caprice really isn't a heretic; just misguided youthful exuberance.

Damage Control

2008-05-12T22:05:00.002-05:00

Tonight, Sister Caprice is spending extra time in the Chapel.

Formally, we here at the Monastery of Perpetual Discernment, do not recognize priestesses or a female priesthood. All that we do and all for which we strive is faithful to the Magisterium and to the Apostolic Tradtion, and to Holy Scripture, wherin there is NO EVIDENCE that there has EVER been a Sacrament of Holy Orders for women. Including a Deaconate.

For further information, please check out the book by Sister Sarah Butler, available at Amazon.com, and likely your local library. It's not like the truth is a secret. The only reason people dissent against the truth is because they are idiots who have been taught to "think" by idiots who consider themselves "enlightened." Don't be an idiot.

Read the truth for yourself. And help us educate Sister Caprice. She means well...she just isn't very well...uh... *ahem * ... educated.

A Fresh Idea

2008-05-12T18:44:00.002-05:00

The other day I came across an article about a bunch of “womenpriests” . I didn’t really read the article, just looked at the pictures, and I don’t think they’re really priests. Because they just look ticked off all the time, and I don’t think they’re Catholic, either. Because from what I did read of the article, NOTHING they believe matches up with what I know to be true.

Besides…they have TERRIBLE taste in vestments. All the priests I know have good taste. Or at least have people around them with good taste so that they don’t go around celebrating Mass wearing shower curtains or drapes or used paint tarps or something like those women do.

But I was thinking. Father gets to do some really cool things, like walk around on movie sets, and hear confessions (and absolve people!), and of course, to celebrate Mass! And that’s awesome…really! And people really admire priests for lots of good reasons. So, I was thinking, maybe I’m called to the priesthood? I mean, I have better taste than those women and I know what the Church really teaches about a lot of stuff.

Father, can I be a priest, too? I have good taste, I’ll even learn the Latin Mass and have a bunch of really well trained altar servers, and I won’t go around criticizing the Pope and the Bishops, and I won’t be angry all the time. I’m not generally an angry person. So, what do you think? Can you help me discern my call to the priesthood?

I think that's where God is calling me. Not to religious life, but to be a priest...and you know, I'm really EXCITED about this idea!

Ordinary Time

2008-05-12T11:46:00.002-05:00

Ho Hum, is anyone with me that this is just a blah day in the Church's year?

We've celebrated the Spirit for 50 days, basking in the glory of Easter and the culmination of the great Feast of Pentecost.

Now what? Ordinary Time? What's that?!?!

Nothing particular to celebrate, nothing great to anticipate, just the ho-hum rythum of daily life. 'Nothing to see here, move along!'

I guess we toil away until the Lord comes again.

Discernment - The Early Years

2008-05-12T07:31:00.003-05:00

Wow. I never knew that about Mother Frangelico. Now I understand a lot more about her. Thanks, Mother Frangelico!

This is another installment of my story. Basically, it was like a pendulum for awhile....one day I thought that I would like to be a Sister, the next day I didn't. And it seemed that whenever I was "cold" on the idea, someone would pop into my life and suggest it anew. I felt like I was being torn to pieces.

But I HAD to know what my family thought about it, so I told them. Mom just cried and said I was running away like Dad did, and everyone else just kinda shrugged. They didn't really care, one way or another...except Mom. And Mom made it sound like I was just going to knock on a convent door and be locked up forever, but everyone knows that's not the way it works! But I couldn't convince her of that, so I just stopped mentioning it to her. And really, put it out of my own mind for awhile.

And then I told a couple friends, and they were fine with it, said they'd help me. But that's when all the "advice" started. By that point I'd maybe been researching for a few months, but they treated it as if I had no info whatsoever and started emailing me multiple links for different communities and even the big websites. I explained over and over again that I already KNEW about those. And then people started sending me THEIR favorite communities and telling me that I should go look at THAT ONE.

And it got worse. All I really wanted was to figure this out in peace, have a few people praying for me or something. But instead it was like people were shouting at me from everywhere, telling me about this or that order or charism or apostolate or community...even to the Carmelites in India! Now I ask...HOW in the WORLD am I supposed to get to INDIA!?

And it got worse again, but I have to go to work now so I'll tell that story later.

Mother Frangelico Speaks

2008-05-11T19:17:00.002-05:00

It seems that my own history is a bit in question, even by my own community. Both Sister Caprice and Father have asked me why I'm so crabby...oh, excuse me, the term is "snarky" (what does THAT mean? THAT doesn't come from Latin!), so I've decided to share with you how I came to be Mother Frangelico.

I was born at the tail end of World War II. My parents were German Jews, but escaped the holocaust only through a miracle. They arrived in America just in time to conceive me on liberty's soil, and so I was born American. They were very practical people, made even MORE practical by the experience of the war and survival, having lost most of their family and friends in that bloody genocide. And their introductory years in the United States, sad to say, weren't really that much better. But they survived, and they loved this country and they clung to their heritage.

But in my own youth, I met some Catholic Sisters who didn't care that I was Jewish. They taught at my school and seemed knowledgable about what I believed. I was a precocious child, thanks to my parents, and often conversed with the Sisters about our respective faiths. And they weren't like the other "Christians" who said hurtful things to me. I heard those same "Christians" say that the Catholic Church was anti-semitic, but I was on the end of more anti-semitism at their hands than I ever was at the hands of the sweet Sisters and other Catholics I knew in a nearby ghetto there in New York.

So it was that over time, I saw how Catholicism and Judasim were not juxtaposed, but the latter was fulfilled in the former. Slowly, I ALSO felt a call to join the Sisters. One of the great graces of my Jewish faith was the life of prayer and of respect for God and His desires. We have a long history of respecting God's law and His call. Look to the prophets!

It wasn't until I was 16 that I revealed my thoughts to my mother, who behaved as though I'd just suggested I become a member of Hitler's Youth! I was so torn by her response that I agreed to repudiate my previous thoughts, and marry the young man she and my father had in mind for me. And he was a wonderful young man and I liked him fine. But I didn't want to get married; I wanted to become a Catholic Sister. Yet in prayer, I understood the importance of obedience, weighed with the trauma of my parent's time in Germany, so I obeyed them and got married. And I did my best to put my heart into it.

It wasn't long before my husband learned the reason for my melancholy, which I'd done my best to hide. He was far more open to my confession than had been my parents, and as it turned out, he'd had a similar experience with the Dominican Friars near to where he'd lived! This served to strengthen our marriage and we both realized together that we were being called into the Catholic Church!

Yet...how to share this with our parents?

Well, long story short, they were heartbroken, we converted to Catholicism while slowly educating our parents and family and friends, and shortly afterward, my husband took sick and died quite unexpectedly. And I found the importance of family; even though we had a Catholic funeral, they supported me and they prayed with us and they attended the funeral. We did have children; one was a miscarriage, the other died in his teens, the result of things I'd rather not discuss at this moment.

It was then that I realized that my first calling was nagging at me again...to become a Sister. And so, after my period of mourning and of discernment, I entered the Order that had so influenced me, and I took my vows, for the second time in life, and donned the black habit.

But something happened after Vatican II...my Sisters changed. Drastically. I know what happened, but I was powerless to stop it so I obtained permission to leave that community and I went into a cloister (from the same Order.) It was only recently that I was released from the cloister, given permission to call into being another community, one in response to the world today, in which the youth are so confused. And so I am Mother Frangelico.

I tend to be...what's that word? Oh, "snarky" but that's because both my German temperment, family upbringing, and the fact that I've had to suffer much to become what I am today. And yet, the youth and even adults I see today have no capacity to make decisions. Decisions are survival. They provide life, and in our lives as Catholics, failure to make a decision means that a soul somewhere is hanging in the balance, or perhaps being lost because of our unwillingness to make a simple decision!

Know that discernment is not about a final end; it is about taking a particular journey and taking actions towards a potential end. Just because you, in good faith, take a step in one direction and are diverted does not mean that you are bound to that for eternity!

I am living proof of that! At the Easter Vigil Mass where I was received into the Church, I took as my Christian name St. Frances of Rome. And although I didn't fully understand her, I do today.

My brothers and sisters and sons and daughters....trust God. He knows where He's leading you, especially when you are in darkness. Trust Him.

Please Mr. Custer I Don't Wanna Go!

2008-05-11T12:46:00.002-05:00

Well, so now Mother Frangelico apparently wants me to enlist in the military, but I'm not sure I want to do that, either. So I'm just not going to think about it.

And she keeps telling me what to do, but I can't keep up with it all! First she and Father ask me to write my discernment story, and that's not even done yet, and now she's demaning that I join the Navy! I don't understand, at all.

At least Father isn't making demands. They must teach priests how to be nice when they're in the seminary. But I didn't know priests went around getting onto movie sets. I wonder if I can tag along some time and maybe he can talk to the Director and make me an extra. I used to do a little acting in school...that was really fun! Remind me to ask Father later if I can get in on that gig.

Oh, right. I was talking about discernment. When I left off, I had said I had some communities on a favorites list, but in looking at it, I wasn't that interested. But in the morning, having had time to think more about what that person had said, I took another look and read about some of the communities in more depth. And it DID look appealing. And I wante to go visit, but things at work were too busy so I just told God to help me know when it was time or where I should go.

But it was so busy I didn't get to Mass that week, and so I kinda forgot about the communities for a few weeks. And then, again, at church one evening, I was talking to another lady while we cleaned tables after a K of C dinner, and she asked me, "Do you think you might have a Vocation?"

I told her no, I didn't think so. So we kept cleaning and I went home. But she made me think about it again, and so on. This pattern happened a few times.

I really didn't think God was calling me. Because I'm not the kind of person God would ever call. I'm kind of a ditz, and I'm not real holy or anything. I like going to church and I like praying, but really, I'm not even good at anything. What use would God have for me?

But the thought wasn't going away, so finally, after about the fifth person asked me that question and I said "no", by then I realized I was lying. So I went to Confession, because lying is wrong.

And I went to a prayer meeting after that, and afterwards, admitted to a couple people that I was considering religious life. And they rejoiced, and I was just really embarassed so I downplayed it and said I wasn't sure and they shouldn't get excited.

At least we weren't on a movie set, though. I wouldn't have wanted that captured on video.

Movie Script Discernment

2008-05-11T09:42:00.003-05:00

If you’ve seen the movie Fishers of Men, there is a dramatic scene of a car accident which the priest happens upon.
I couldn’t believe it, but it happened to me last night as I was returning to the monastery!
I came around a corner and traffic was just at a standstill. Oh great, I’m going to miss my Jenga game with Mother Frangelico, I thought! (She is steady handed, mean Jenga player!)
As I got near to the next intersection, I saw a car stopped and an older man laying in front of the car with literally a pool of blood spreading around him. ‘Hmmm, I don’t think Mother will be too upset with me for this,’ but my second thought was ‘This is just like the movie!’
After this internal debate, I decided to park and jump out to see if I could anoint him. As I approached him, there was a lady praying at his feet, “Lord, please send someone; Lord, please send someone!” As I knelt beside her, she grabbed my arm, looked up and yelled: “Oh, good Lord, You sent one of Your own!”
‘Hmm, not quite the script of the movie, what’s my next line?’ I thought. “Sir, are you Catholic, I’m a Roman Catholic Priest and would you like to be anointed?” (Meanwhile, I’m scanning the gathering crowd for the kid whose hair I’m supposed to tussle after I anoint him.)
Imagine my surprise when he sat up and yelled back: “NO! GET AWAY FROM ME!”
‘Hey, wait, this wasn’t in the Script!’ I don’t even see the kid anywhere!
I stayed and prayed for a while with him regardless, and the ambulance showed up. It seemed like he was going to be ok, so I hurried back to my car thinking I still had time for my Jenga game with Mother.
Argh! Someone’s standing at my car! “Can I help you?” She was crying pretty hard, and I didn’t know what was going on. Maybe she was just shook up by the accident?
Imagine my surprise when she called me by my first name! She was involved with the accident, and recognized me and we ended up talking and praying for a bit, and managed to get her calmed down and relaxed.
As I drove away, I lamented that my own turn for movie stardom was shot down, but I was glad I stopped anyway.
And the moral of the story: God doesn’t usually follow a movie script for discernment!

Join the Navy!

2008-05-09T23:16:00.003-05:00

Let me tell you a few things, all of you, all potential discerners. And everyone else.

A Vocation is a calling from God. It's special. And a lot of people "hear" it, but so few respond. And part of that is the noise of this world, and part is the plague of "option overload." Too many of our youth (all of them, in fact) have grown up with so many options that they don't even know how to CHOOSE anymore!

It's not a matter of wheat bread versus white. It's a matter of Italian or Wheat or French or Honey Oat, or Parmesan Garlic, or Asiago Wheat or Pumpernikle Sesame Rye with candy sprinkles burned on top.

It's too much! As much as this society talks about "choice" and provides "choice", our youth are paralyzed by "choices"! And in the end, they can't choose!

Poor Sister Clarice is such a perfect example of this! (Sorry, dear Sister...and you're right...you're the only one I have to pick on. I can't wait to have "sons"!) And your dilemma isn't really your fault. It's the culture.

And that's why I've started this community. As an aid in discernment. Everyone is confused...even me!

Let me give you a piece of advice, but I'm going to tell a story first! (I'm old..I get to do that.)

I knew a young lady who wanted to be a Navy SEAL. I think this was before "GI Jane" came out, or maybe she made this "decision" as a result of the movie. Who knows? In any case, she'd raced on her high school swim team, she was a lifeguard, and really, she just LOVED being in the water.

So you see, she DISCERNED that she had a calling to serve God in the water. Her college dorm room was filled with FISH decorations, for goodness' sake!

What I've never been able to figure out, though, was that her college major was chemistry with a minor in biology. I'd have thought 'twould be the other way around.

Well, that girl ALSO had a big cross to bear; she had back problems. And that Navy SEAL training ain't easy! Yet she never stopped talking about it. Becoming a SEAL was a HUGE part of her life. It was what she was ALL ABOUT!

But you know what...she never took the first step!

In order to become a SEAL, the basic requirement is that one JOIN THE NAVY!

You got it right..that girl NEVER joined the Navy! How was she going to meet that goal?

Never mind that they didn't allow women to be SEALs anyway! But she never considered other options, such as the Coast Guard, which DOES allow women to serve as Rescue Swimmers! They may not be SEALs, but darn it, they serve in the water and they use the same talents (but to a better end, if you ask me. They're not combat oriented and they SAVE the combat-oriented who tend to call on them for help.)

So, my dear brothers and sisters and sons and daughters...if you feel you are called to something, take the first step! Don't just learn about it and study it with a microscope! Actually put your FOOT on the darned thing! Even if it doesn't seem possible, sometimes you have to take a step or so to get there.

No, that young lady would never have become a SEAL, even if they did allow women. But in joining the Navy she might at least have found the skills for something else. She's now married and I think she has children. Which is just WONDERFUL. However, I can't help by ask whether she would have contributed her gifts to our country by joining the Navy, and STILL managed to be a married mother. (Also a Vocation in need of discernment....)

So that's the moral of the story, you young people.

JOIN THE NAVY!

Discernment Begins

2008-05-09T21:51:00.002-05:00

Well, Mother Frangelico is taking pot-shots at me, so I figured instead of responding further, perhaps I should tell more of my story.

(And I really hope more discerners join our community quickly so that she will have someone else to pick on!)

Yes, I fled the chapel that day, but I came back, more and more often. And secretly, I was looking up information on religious communities. You should see all the ones I have saved to my "favorites"!

I didn't tell anyone, though, and some mornings I would wake up and think, "No way am I gonig to spend my life getting up this early!" And so I didn't want to be a Sister anymore. And I was relieved. Because then, likely I wasn't called to it.

And then, one evening at the church, a lady I know asked me, right out of nowhere, "Do you think you might have a vocation?"

Hu..h?

I told her, "Um...no. I don't." And I was pretty final about it. And she didn't say any more.

But that night I went home and looked at my favorites list and wondered about it some more. But it didn't appeal to me so I just checked my email and went to sleep.

Does that sound like running away...MOTHER?

Discernment Story

2008-05-09T07:57:00.003-05:00

Mother Frangelico and Father, too, have been after me to write my discernment story. I can't write a Vocation story because I haven't yet figured out if I'm really discerning or not, so I don't really have a Vocation. Or know if I have a Vocation. Whatever. You get the point.

So, since I've been working on this for a few years, this story will maybe take awhile but I'll give you at least the beginning part.

I haven't always been a good Catholic. I went to Catholic school and we went to church most Sundays and holidays, but when I went away to college, like a lot of other people I stopped practicing my faith. There were a lot of reasons for that, and I won't get into them now.

Anyway, my parents were divorced when I was young, and Mom remarried, and a couple years after that, they divorced. I haven't seen either one of my "fathers" for years, and Mom's kinda just doing her own thing. She had to work hard to raise me and my brother and other sister, so she wasn't around much. When she was, she was exhausted. So we grew up pretty much fending for ourselves. The only time we were together was when we went to Mass on Sunday. Neither of my fathers was Catholic, but they did go to church with us onChristmas. (Um, not at the same time. My real father when they were married, and my step-dad when they were married, but after Mom's remarriage our real dad wasn't around much anymore, not even for holidays.)

So, long story short, I grew up and moved away on to college and haven't really had a connection with my family ever since. Sure, we email and talk on the phone and get together at Christmas, but that's it. My brother and sister are not practicing Catholics anymore, at all. I'm not sure they've embraced any religion at all.

Anyway, at one point, thanks to some wonderful friends, I started coming to Church again, and they also took me to Eucharistic Adoration. At first I didn't "get" it and just itched to get out of the chapel and on to the rest of my life. But one day, I was struggling with something at work and I just didn't want to go to work. I couldn't even make myself go...every time I tried to walk through the door to go to my car, I burst into tears. I couldn't work like that! So I called in, feeling guilty, but knowing for some reason I was so stressed out that I had to stay home.

Then I felt a tug on my heart...to go to the chapel. To pray. To lay all this at Jesus' feet. And finally, I could walk through the garage door and get in my car and go...straight to church. I went to the chapel, immediately feeling better. All I did for about a half hour was cry, and I didn't even know why. But there it was, and there HE was. Jesus. Waiting for me.

I began writing in my journal about something that had come to mind from my years away from the faith, and that's when I saw it. A ring. Jesus was right there in front of me, in a ring (the monstrance). And He was offering me that ring.

I understood it clear as day...and was shocked. A ring? But that means...no...uh-uh! No WAY! I was NOT going to be a NUN!

I was head over heels in love with Jesus, I had that new shine of that first real conversion...and suddenly I thought Jesus was proposing to me? Um....no, I wasn't understanding correctly, or why the idea actually DID seem to have a sort of appeal.

That day I slammed my notebook closed and fled the chapel for the safe pastures of home. But I couldn't get that image or the idea out of my mind.

And that was the beginning.

More later.

Greetings and Salutations!

2008-05-06T07:19:00.002-05:00

Good morning! I'm Sister Caprice, brand new to this community. You see, one morning I was speaking with Mother Frangelico after Mass, and we decided to meet up that afternoon at a local wine bar and talk over Raspberry wine and appetizers. She explained her idea of a community gathering for the purpose of discernment.

So we talked about it, and this is my..um...one..two...thr...yup! It's my third year discerning. Or trying to discern whether I should discern and what I should discern if any discerning takes place at all.

I'll get my story to you, but for now, I'm a bit rushed, must get to work.

Ta-ta, and have a great day!

Greetings, Brothers and Sisters!

2008-05-05T21:29:00.003-05:00

Oh my word, I'm so confused! First I had to get an email, and then a google account (whatever that means!) When I was growing up, "google" implied doing something improper! My goodness, what would St. Pius X think about the modern world of the internet?

So...a little about me...I'm Mother Frangelica, the Superior of our little community of discerners, the Brothers and Sisters of Perpetual Discernment. We don't wear habits...in fact, we barely have any habits at all, which is the problem. So Father and I are drawing together a little community of people who are trying to figure out where God is calling them (and us!) and how to go about finding that darned ringing phone...and there are so many rings! What with itunes and ipods and ringtones and regular rings....and never mind the church bells!

Anyway, Father can explain himself on his own time. For me...I was born in 1942. This is my birthday in fact! (Oh dear, I nearly forgot! I hope I didn't leave the cake burning....!)

So, my mother was Rosie the Riveter...well, she looked like her, anyway, and did the same job, and I think she gave birth to me on the floor of the factory while riveting. I'm a "baby boomer" but please don't associate me with those grey-haired modernists! Yuck! (My hair is rather still a nice shade of Clairol soft brown with highlights of silver...)

What was I saying? Oh, yes.

Well, anyway, we're starting a community here, and have a few others we'll be introducing as we get this site up and running. So please have a little patience. For now, I'll give you a little view of our property, in hopes it will tide you over until we can give you some more info.

Color Sorely Needed!

2008-05-05T21:09:00.002-05:00

As we search, we desire clarity. We desire black and white answers to questions in color. Please stand by as we get our new home up and running. We're running to Home Depot as we speak, looking for a good color scheme before stopping off at IKEA for some knick-knacks around the house. (Oh, and we'll stop at the Church goods store, too!)