Friday, August 29, 2008

Freedom to run...amok!

Shhhh!!!! I'm huntin' wabbit! haaaahaaaaahaaaaahaaaaahaaaaaa

Everyone is gone! Gone I tell you. Yeah! (Snoopy dance)
I have the entire monastery to myself!!!!
Oh, the freedom!

What shall I do first?

You know...I have ALWAYS wanted to do the slide that Tom Cruise does in 'Risky Business.'
I rolled up the rug in the hallway, dusted the floor (SOMEONE put all of the dirt UNDER the rug rather than picking it up with the dustpan), and then I played the air guitar. It was hysterical! I had so much fun! (of course, I was REALLY glad no one else was here to see me play the air guitar...or the slide).

Then I found LOTS of rubber bands. I shot them up into the rafters of the family area - I was trying to get them into all of the vases and urns that were up on the shelves. A couple times I completely missed and hit the light instead - but there were a few times when I made a 'slam dunk'! (and the crowd cheered!)

Mom F. asked me to mop the kitchen floor. Well, I've ALWAYS wanted to put the scrub brushes on my feet and I did! A couple times I almost fell completely on my bottom - but I caught myself on the island. Of course, I had to hike up my habit to my knees - but it was so much fun! I had suds EVERYWHERE! It reminded me of that episode of Brady Bunch where Peter cleans his own suit & puts the entire box of detergent in the washing machine. Bubbles, bubbles, everywhere!
The cleanup was also a big hit - I put towels down & slid them across the floor. Mop floor - DONE!

Now that I've played for hours inside - Time to play....OUTSIDE!!!

I have not been 'bug hunting' for quite some time. I miss going out on excursions with my Uncle Max. So, I went on an excursion with God - we went huntin'. We found some really cool spiders just outside the monastery doors.

You know, Walt Whitman wrote about spiders.

A noiseless patient spider,
I mark’d where on a little promontory it stood isolated,
Mark’d how to explore the vacant vast surrounding,
It launch’d forth filament, filament, filament out of itself,
Ever unreeling them, ever tirelessly speeding them.
And you O my soul where you stand,
Surrounded, detached, in measureless oceans of space,
Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing, seeking the spheres to connect them,
Till the bridge you will need be form’d, till the ductile anchor hold,
Till the gossamer thread you fling catch somewhere, O my soul.

It is so much fun watching a spider spin its web - the care and the preciseness of the job. Way cool!

I heard the katydids, I saw some hummingbirds (Sr. Caprice put up feeders for them a couple months ago), I even saw a deer. I tried to get close to it, but as I was inching along, I accidentally stepped on a twig, it broke under my foot, and the deer ran. What a graceful creature!

I spent the rest of the day outside, enjoying the sunshine, the beauty of God's earth and creatures. What a wonderful day!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I Wandered and I Wondered...

Sr. Perpetua caught me daydreaming in Church today. It has been raining all night, actually it stormed all night, and raining all this morning. I turned toward the window during Holy Hour and let my mind wander. Before I knew it, Holy Hour was over and Mass was beginning. Sr. Perpetua elbowed me to stand for the Procession.

When we sat back down for the readings, I decided to take a brief look and I saw a glimpse of the sun. A butterfly landed on the windowsill, slowly flapping its wings. It was so beautiful to watch. The gold, brown, green, and blue colors on the wings shone like a rainbow in the sunshine. He seemed to want, no yearn, to be in with us during this Holy Sacrifice.

The clouds seemed to part, letting in the rays of sunshine like Heaven was just beckoning to be seen. I could just imagine the Saints and Angels flying about, celebrating with us. I wondered what it would be like to be that butterfly - to be free - a freedom we can only grasp at.

Then Sr. Perpetua elbowed me again for the Gospel reading. My side is getting really sore!

We sat down for the homily and all I remember was Father saying something about the wind and my eyes went back outside. My mind wandering on everything that has happened this year. My removal from all kitchen duties, and I started to laugh when I thought about Sr. Perpetua and I in the flour fight. Apparently I was snickering a little too loudly because Sr. Perpetua elbowed me AGAIN! I looked up and Father was staring directly at me. I tried to look innocent, but I don't think it worked.

He continued his homily. He was retelling the story of the Apostles in the boat and how Peter asked Jesus to save him when he started drowning in the water. Water....rain....outside.... Before I knew it, my eyes were back outside. This time, reliving the experience of the fireworks and how Brother Gus was burned. How helpless we all felt. If I could trade places with him, I would have. There were times when I begged God to let me have the pain, just to ease that of Brother Gus. But God must not have heard my prayer.

Yow! *oops* Sr. Perpetua elbowed me again. I was having a very difficult time concentrating. It seemed like everything was begging for my attention ... when I knew that Jesus' Sacrifice desired my attention, my undivided attention. Father was looking at me again, this time, I think Mother Frangelico heard it too. Man she elbows hard!

Concentrate on the Mass...I had to keep telling myself this. We knelt for the epiclesis & Consecration. I really wish Father had the Sanctus Bells to ring. It would certainly help to keep my mind focused on the events in front of me. But the window and the outside world keeps beckoning for my attention. Now there's a dove on the sill. I can hear it cooing through the pane.

Then my mind goes to Noah and how he sent the dove out to find land. Or when the dove was above Jesus' head when he was Baptized by St. John. How God loves the dove. The dove, a sign of the Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit....oh my! I missed the Consecration! *sigh* Forgive me, God. Help me to keep my mind on the task at hand.

Monday, August 18, 2008

It's Like Breaking Up!

It's been really quiet around here, so sorry for that, from all of us, but we've all been away taking advantage of a "down time", visiting communities and stuff. And because some of what we do is s personal and private, it's just not something we write on the blog. Sometimes it's hard to keep the real "hard core" stuff to ourselves instead of blabbing it to the world.

But it's been a couple weeks now, and Mother Frangenico told me to write my experience, and I think I can do it without revealing the deepest things that stay between her and I.

Anyway...she finally said I was ready to visit a community for a "come and see" weekend, and it was one that the Sisters did publicly. Some of them are just for specific discerners, maybe on this or that weekend, but often they have them for "whoever" and that's what I attended. The more "private" ones tend to be for those who are discerning to that particular community...and the community agrees.

Well, it's one I was really interested in, had everything I wanted, was absolutely amazing, so I was SO EXCITED to be there! When I got there, it was just in time for Vespers and the Rosary, and I loved the silence over dinner while we listened to Spiritual Readings. And I got along GREAT with the Sisters! It was so homey to me!

Well, I left that weekend, but went back a couple weeks later, which was just a week ago. And it was just as wonderful, without all the others around. And we all got on great, and I was thinking this was finally "Home" for me! I loved Mother Mary Paul, and Sister Therese Frassati, and Sister Maria Caritas! We had such a blast, and all seemed to be going so well!

But I met with Mother, and...they don't feel I am called to their Community. She was really nice about it, and gave me kleenexes and stuff, but said that they think my "charisms" are not suited to their community, and that I would be happier and fulfill God's will somewhere else...and gave me a few suggestions.

And I couldn't stop crying. I only cried a little there, but mostly after I got back to the Monastery here. It's like I broke up with a fiance! His family doesn't like me!

* sniffle *

I can't believe they don't want me! I mean, we got along so well, we had a great time, prayer was wonderful...! Why don't they want me???????

If anyone is looking for me, I'll either be in my cell or in the chapel. I'm not hungry so don't look for me at dinner.

* sniffle *