One of my duties was teaching some of the Bible Stories to the 5-6 year old children. I asked the children to write down their favorite Bible stories and then give a presentation to the rest of the children and teachers on Friday. What happened was quite interesting. Here are a few of the more memorable snippits:
In the beginning:
- "In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off."
- "Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree."
- "Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark."
- "Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears."
- 'Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.'
- 'The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.'
- 'Samson was a strongman who let himself is led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.'
- 'Samson spayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.'
- 'Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.'
- 'The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.'
- 'The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.'
- 'The seventh commandment is thou shall not admit adultery.'
- 'Moses died before he ever reached Canada.'
- 'Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Genital.'
- 'The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.'
- 'David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.'
- 'Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.'
- 'When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.'
- 'When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.'
- 'Jesus was born because Man had an immaculate contraption.'
- 'St John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.'
- 'Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.'
- 'He also explained, "A man doth not live by sweat alone."'
- 'It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.'
- 'The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.'
- 'The epistles were the wives of the apostles.'
- 'One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also a taxi man.'
- 'St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.'
- 'A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony'
The Brothers, Sisters, Mother and Father were all trying to control their laughter...I could hear snickers and coughing coming from the back of the room. I tried to tell the kids that they were doing a good job, but all I could hear was the laughter. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this. *sigh*
Regarding the mixup with God's grace, I'm still contemplating what Father explained to me. I'll post about that soon.