I'm BACK!

I was going to wait because Sister Maxine posted, and then Sister Perpetua (and she NEVER speaks!) and then Mother Frangelico..TWICE! But maybe I owe an explanation, so here it is.

I'm sorry I've seemed so rude over the last several days. I was just confused again. And Mother Frangelico and Father, I'm sorry I didn't come to you first.

Here's what happened: I was praying in the chapel, and I've had a few friends enter cloistered communities. I received a letter from one of them this week. It was a wonderful letter and sounds like a great life. She's very happy. And I thought that I haven't really considered the cloister, so I prayed about it. And over a few days, the more I prayed, the more I thought God was calling me to really consider the cloistered communities.

I didn't want to go to Mother Frangelico or Father about this, well, because I was so unsure, and things around here were crazy. So I wanted to get away. And the more I prayed, the more I thought about what a big deal it was. To die to the world, leave EVERYTHING behind. I don't mind leaving my family behind so much...I already talked about that. But everyone here has really become a family to me, and I'd really miss ALL of them, but they're not my real family so I'd have no one to write to. Because in a cloister you're really limited to write to people even though you can receive letters. But I decided that that was an attachment and so I should be willing to let my new "family" go.

And then I realized that maybe God was calling me to lay down my life for my real family. Because, if I gave my life to God, maybe they could be saved. And that's a big weight to carry and I started to think that if I said "no" to God, my real family might go to Hell...and it would be my fault.

And that really scared me, and so I wanted to take time to think about it away from everything here.

And...well...I didn't think anyone here would take me seriously. So I thought maybe I should be more serious. Because if I was Trappist or Carthusian it would be so hard and I'd have to be quiet all the time. It was so HARD to be quiet all the time! You have NO IDEA how hard it was for me to be silent!

So I went on retreat and it was easier to be quiet with no one around, but it was still really hard because, well, I sing all the time and imitate the birds when I'm in the woods (stop lauging, Sr. Maxine!), and I even talk to myself all the time! And it was a horrible strain! But I decided I could do it for Jesus if that's what he was asking. I'd have to shut up for LIFE, not just having "grand silence" after 11 like we do. I really did plan to talk to Mother Frangelico when I got back, because she was in a cloister.

And then Father T. came up to talk to me because he recognized me and it was SO HARD not to talk to him! I actually wanted to give him a big hug, because, well, he's a large guy and any hug with him is big, but also because he was wonderful at my parish and I haven't seen him in so long! So it was so hard to be quiet and cloister-like! Because I knew I'd never be able to hug anyone ever again, either! And I'd probably never see him again! But he told me I HAD to come in and speak with him, and I knew I had to be obedient, so I agreed.

I don't know why, but every time I'm so deadly serious about something and I tell them, they start coughing and wiping their eyes. I must make people allergic or something.

Anyway, finally I told Fr. T. what I was thinking about, he thought it was wonderful I was discerning but said I should talk to Mother Frangelico and Father about it because that's the whole reason I'm here. And he realized my goal was not to speak to him (Fr. T.) but to them, but he said that they were worried. So I did talk to him because I'm sorry I worried everyone! He suggested I call Mother Frangelico myself, so I did.

And she didn't laugh at me, although she coughed a little (I'm worried about MOTHER! She coughes reallly hard almost EVERY TIME I talk to her!), and told me to speak to them when I get back. So I did, and they cleared a few things up. Maybe I should write about that later.

It's nice to be home, and I feel a lot better now. And it was nice to see Fr. T. again.

And appaently I'm supposed to help Sister Maxine learn to cook, so I'm going to sleep early as we have to get up to prepare breakfast. And she doesn't know ANYTHING!

I don't know what to do!

Some of this comes from a comment I made to Mother Frangelico about priests, and some of this is advice I got from other people. I'm so sorry about the jumble, but I have so many questions I don't even know where to go first!

ADVICE FROM THE LETTERS:

So, anyway, I got a bunch of letters this week from friends, and people from my church. And they have all sorts of advice. My friends tell me about the habits and they sent me emails with links to different communities, and I know and love those habits. And so they've told me I should make sure I like the habit because I'll be spending my life wearing it! And so I've been looking around for habits I like, and found a few...the Sisters of Life, and the Dominicans - the ones who wear habits, that is. I like habits and won't really consider a community that doesn't have them. Because most of them just look like my grandmother and I don't want to look like my grandmother yet. (I think those "habit-less communities DO have a habit, though...pantssuits. And I think their understanding of God follows their lack of fashion sense!)

So then another friend told me to look at other things, like what they do, or don't do. And so I've been looking at all the apostolates, and I'm so confused because I want to do all of it and maybe have in some senses! But there's so much!

And everyone is back to telling me different things, and one friend says to look at the spiritualities and the charisms, and others say the same thing, but they all say different things all at the same time! One says I'm Benedictine, another says I'm Franciscan, others like the Dominicans, others like the Augustinians...and it just goes on! And one friend things I should quash it all and become a RABBI!

I don't want to be a Rabbi! And someone else said I should start an Ashram and build a labyrinth and be a yoga guru. I don't want to do ANY of those things! But some of the religious communities out there DO want to do those things! (I don't think they're Catholic even though they say they are...)

Anyway, it's so confusing! So where do I start?

THINKING PRIESTS ARE CUTE AND WHERE IT LEADS

And then...well, I'm worried about thinking priests are cute. Because let's face it, some of them are really cute! So...is it a sin to think a priest is cute? Do I have to go to confession if I think a priest is cute, if I have no intention of taking that further than realizing that God does good work and the view is good at Mass?

Oh, dear, don't misconstrue that!

This is just getting worse and worse and worse! It MUST be a sin, because I'm now saying things I didn't intend to say!

So...do I have to go to Confession for thinking a priest is cute? If I do, what if the priest I go to is the one I thought was cute? Because sometimes they have their names on the confessional, but it's someone else, or it just says "visitor" and it's a different parish but that cute priest is the visiting one? Even if I go behind a screen and realize that's the priest, how can I confess that I think he's cute? He would take it wrong and it would sound like I was hitting on him in Confession!

I would NEVER do that! Oh my goodness, I would DIE if he thought I was doing that! And it would be awfullly hard for him, too, because then he'd feel very awkward, and the Sacrament is very serious, and then he'd be embarassed. And I'd be embarassed. And if he knew it was me, I'd never be able to talk to him ever again because I just couldn't get over that!

And even if the cute priest I was worried about was not the same one I was confession to, but THAT priest was really cute, wouldn't it be like the same thing?

Oh, dear, I wish priests weren't cute! Or good-looking in any way. Now I have to go to Confession and I'd rather confess to murder.

Hey! That's an idea! Mother Frangelico and Father, if I confess to murder, even though I haven't killed anyone, would God give me credit for that confession even though he would realize that I only thought a priest was cute. Or is robbing the priesthood worse than murder, because isn't thinking a priest is cute a slippery slope that can lead to robbing the priesthood, leading to him leaving his vows for me and then depriving people of the sacraments?

Oh, dear, I'm going to HELL!

How Discernment Got Worse

Mother Frangelico and Father have been after me to finish my discernment story, and I promise, I'm almost done! I took a break considering I thought I wasn't going to be here anymore, so why waste the time? But they have been good to me, and I'm starting to actually trust them. That's new.

Anyway, in my last discerment post, I'd said that things were getting worse.

And they were. First it was people "shouting" at me from all directions. And then one day a few of them began asking me which communities (especially those that they favored) I'd gone to visit. NONE!

First, because the ones they favored weren't interesting to me. And of those that were, I couldn't afford to go. I either had to fly or drive a long ways, or something! But I couldn't get a ride to the airport, or a sub for work, or someone to feed my cats and my bird! NOTHING!

EVERYONE who had said they would help disappeared when I explained what I needed. I was completely abandoned. (Not that that was new to me.)

But when I said that I hadn't gone anywhere yet, those same people started yelling at me and telling me what I should be doing and when and where!

But I knew, in my heart, that the timing was wrong, and I shouldn't go...yet. It was a combination of things; it didn't "feel right", I couldn't pay for it, and no one was willing to help me where I needed help. I knew that God was not asking me to starve my pets. He was asking me to be patient.

But "everyone else" knew better, apparently, and they wouldn't leave me alone. They wouldn't stop telling me what I should be doing and when, according to THEIR schedule. And who to ask for money, and when. And it just wasn't right. I can't explain it...it just wasn't right. It wasn't time.

It wasn't that I was unwilling to go..it was that I couldn't listen to God for all the yelling around me, and in my soul I knew it wasn't time to go to this or that place and I was trying desperately to listen to GOD and not everyone else. But they wouldn't stop, so finally I just dug in my heels.

I think I stopped listening to God, too. And I don't know how to start listening to him again.

But there was something else. When I started looking at communities, I went about it as if I was looking for a career. It was a lot like my career searches in high school and college. Lists of things, tests, what I could get out of this or that order or community. It wasn't about God. It was about me. I was looking at it as I'd look at a career. And my friends, the ones "shouting" at me were a lot like that. The same thing had happened back when I was choosing a career. And I went down all the wrong roads just trying to get away from them.

I didn't want to do that with God, so I just quit. I stopped discerning. Because I didn't know where to go or what to do, and the people I had to help me weren't helpful. So I just stopped, and I told God that if he had a plan for me, he had to tell me or send me to someone because I couldn't figure it out on my own...or with others.

So it's been a few years, I've been totally lost, and finally Mother came along and took time to TALK to me. And she asked me about it, and she brought me to Father to talk about it one day, too. And they both decided I was perfect for the Monastery. So here I am. I'm still not sure what to do or how to do it, so I'm just discerning whether I should be discerning anything.

Or maybe I'm called to nothing at all.

* sigh *

I just don't know yet.

Discernment - The Early Years

Wow. I never knew that about Mother Frangelico. Now I understand a lot more about her. Thanks, Mother Frangelico!

This is another installment of my story. Basically, it was like a pendulum for awhile....one day I thought that I would like to be a Sister, the next day I didn't. And it seemed that whenever I was "cold" on the idea, someone would pop into my life and suggest it anew. I felt like I was being torn to pieces.

But I HAD to know what my family thought about it, so I told them. Mom just cried and said I was running away like Dad did, and everyone else just kinda shrugged. They didn't really care, one way or another...except Mom. And Mom made it sound like I was just going to knock on a convent door and be locked up forever, but everyone knows that's not the way it works! But I couldn't convince her of that, so I just stopped mentioning it to her. And really, put it out of my own mind for awhile.

And then I told a couple friends, and they were fine with it, said they'd help me. But that's when all the "advice" started. By that point I'd maybe been researching for a few months, but they treated it as if I had no info whatsoever and started emailing me multiple links for different communities and even the big websites. I explained over and over again that I already KNEW about those. And then people started sending me THEIR favorite communities and telling me that I should go look at THAT ONE.

And it got worse. All I really wanted was to figure this out in peace, have a few people praying for me or something. But instead it was like people were shouting at me from everywhere, telling me about this or that order or charism or apostolate or community...even to the Carmelites in India! Now I ask...HOW in the WORLD am I supposed to get to INDIA!?

And it got worse again, but I have to go to work now so I'll tell that story later.

Please Mr. Custer I Don't Wanna Go!

Well, so now Mother Frangelico apparently wants me to enlist in the military, but I'm not sure I want to do that, either. So I'm just not going to think about it.

And she keeps telling me what to do, but I can't keep up with it all! First she and Father ask me to write my discernment story, and that's not even done yet, and now she's demaning that I join the Navy! I don't understand, at all.

At least Father isn't making demands. They must teach priests how to be nice when they're in the seminary. But I didn't know priests went around getting onto movie sets. I wonder if I can tag along some time and maybe he can talk to the Director and make me an extra. I used to do a little acting in school...that was really fun! Remind me to ask Father later if I can get in on that gig.

Oh, right. I was talking about discernment. When I left off, I had said I had some communities on a favorites list, but in looking at it, I wasn't that interested. But in the morning, having had time to think more about what that person had said, I took another look and read about some of the communities in more depth. And it DID look appealing. And I wante to go visit, but things at work were too busy so I just told God to help me know when it was time or where I should go.

But it was so busy I didn't get to Mass that week, and so I kinda forgot about the communities for a few weeks. And then, again, at church one evening, I was talking to another lady while we cleaned tables after a K of C dinner, and she asked me, "Do you think you might have a Vocation?"

I told her no, I didn't think so. So we kept cleaning and I went home. But she made me think about it again, and so on. This pattern happened a few times.

I really didn't think God was calling me. Because I'm not the kind of person God would ever call. I'm kind of a ditz, and I'm not real holy or anything. I like going to church and I like praying, but really, I'm not even good at anything. What use would God have for me?

But the thought wasn't going away, so finally, after about the fifth person asked me that question and I said "no", by then I realized I was lying. So I went to Confession, because lying is wrong.

And I went to a prayer meeting after that, and afterwards, admitted to a couple people that I was considering religious life. And they rejoiced, and I was just really embarassed so I downplayed it and said I wasn't sure and they shouldn't get excited.

At least we weren't on a movie set, though. I wouldn't have wanted that captured on video.

Discernment Begins

Well, Mother Frangelico is taking pot-shots at me, so I figured instead of responding further, perhaps I should tell more of my story.

(And I really hope more discerners join our community quickly so that she will have someone else to pick on!)

Yes, I fled the chapel that day, but I came back, more and more often. And secretly, I was looking up information on religious communities. You should see all the ones I have saved to my "favorites"!

I didn't tell anyone, though, and some mornings I would wake up and think, "No way am I gonig to spend my life getting up this early!" And so I didn't want to be a Sister anymore. And I was relieved. Because then, likely I wasn't called to it.

And then, one evening at the church, a lady I know asked me, right out of nowhere, "Do you think you might have a vocation?"

Hu..h?

I told her, "Um...no. I don't." And I was pretty final about it. And she didn't say any more.

But that night I went home and looked at my favorites list and wondered about it some more. But it didn't appeal to me so I just checked my email and went to sleep.

Does that sound like running away...MOTHER?