How Discernment Got Worse

Mother Frangelico and Father have been after me to finish my discernment story, and I promise, I'm almost done! I took a break considering I thought I wasn't going to be here anymore, so why waste the time? But they have been good to me, and I'm starting to actually trust them. That's new.

Anyway, in my last discerment post, I'd said that things were getting worse.

And they were. First it was people "shouting" at me from all directions. And then one day a few of them began asking me which communities (especially those that they favored) I'd gone to visit. NONE!

First, because the ones they favored weren't interesting to me. And of those that were, I couldn't afford to go. I either had to fly or drive a long ways, or something! But I couldn't get a ride to the airport, or a sub for work, or someone to feed my cats and my bird! NOTHING!

EVERYONE who had said they would help disappeared when I explained what I needed. I was completely abandoned. (Not that that was new to me.)

But when I said that I hadn't gone anywhere yet, those same people started yelling at me and telling me what I should be doing and when and where!

But I knew, in my heart, that the timing was wrong, and I shouldn't go...yet. It was a combination of things; it didn't "feel right", I couldn't pay for it, and no one was willing to help me where I needed help. I knew that God was not asking me to starve my pets. He was asking me to be patient.

But "everyone else" knew better, apparently, and they wouldn't leave me alone. They wouldn't stop telling me what I should be doing and when, according to THEIR schedule. And who to ask for money, and when. And it just wasn't right. I can't explain it...it just wasn't right. It wasn't time.

It wasn't that I was unwilling to go..it was that I couldn't listen to God for all the yelling around me, and in my soul I knew it wasn't time to go to this or that place and I was trying desperately to listen to GOD and not everyone else. But they wouldn't stop, so finally I just dug in my heels.

I think I stopped listening to God, too. And I don't know how to start listening to him again.

But there was something else. When I started looking at communities, I went about it as if I was looking for a career. It was a lot like my career searches in high school and college. Lists of things, tests, what I could get out of this or that order or community. It wasn't about God. It was about me. I was looking at it as I'd look at a career. And my friends, the ones "shouting" at me were a lot like that. The same thing had happened back when I was choosing a career. And I went down all the wrong roads just trying to get away from them.

I didn't want to do that with God, so I just quit. I stopped discerning. Because I didn't know where to go or what to do, and the people I had to help me weren't helpful. So I just stopped, and I told God that if he had a plan for me, he had to tell me or send me to someone because I couldn't figure it out on my own...or with others.

So it's been a few years, I've been totally lost, and finally Mother came along and took time to TALK to me. And she asked me about it, and she brought me to Father to talk about it one day, too. And they both decided I was perfect for the Monastery. So here I am. I'm still not sure what to do or how to do it, so I'm just discerning whether I should be discerning anything.

Or maybe I'm called to nothing at all.

* sigh *

I just don't know yet.