On Monday, I have to go talk to Father. I asked to do so, and I think he kinda has an inkling as to what it's about, but every time I think of talking about it, I just start shaking. It's kinda like how it was when I hadn't been to Confession in a really long time, but, this is worse.
I talked to Mother about it a little, and she was very understanding, but recommended I keep my meeting with Father; she thinks it's important that I do, and she told me to be open and honest, too.
But it's stuff I've never talked about, and even Mother Frangelico doesn't know all of it. And maybe it's not a big deal and I'm just building it up and scaring myself. Or maybe not. But one thing Mother said is that I have to talk about it to them, when I think I'm ready, because I have to learn to trust them.
And that's it, right there! I have a hard time trusting people. But already in starting to talk to Mother Frangelico, when I couldn't say anymore or just couldn't, she just told me it was OK and I didn't have to continue. And she said Father will be the same way and won't force me to say more than I'm comfortable in saying. But she said they're there to help.
And I know that's true. But just the idea of bringing this up makes me want to leave the monastery so that I don't have to talk about it. But I know that would be wrong and I'm safer here than I've ever been anywhere else.
You'd think an adult woman wouldn't agonize over something that probably happens to a lot of people (because no one comes from perfect families!). So I'm really scared to go talk to Father but maybe I really do have to, and maybe it won't be so bad as I think.
He's gone this weekend, and so is Brother Brit, so I've just been thinking about things and trying to calm myself down. It helps that the weather is nice and so Mother Frangelico and I spent the afternoon outside doing some yard work and weeding and stuff like that.
I should go..it's time for night prayer and I'm late! Good night!