Uncertain Future

Well, ever since my "announcement", the world has been in an uproar. I spent most of last night and today in the chapel, praying.

No, really, I was crying most of the time...I couldn't even pray!

Father was shouting, Mother was shouting, and I had nowhere to go! So I went to Jesus, but it was so much like how I grew up, and I just kept waiting for something to come flying through the air to hit me.

Oh, I know that Mother Frangelico and Father would never do that, but, well...I just don't want to talk about it. I've never spoken of it. I don't want to start now. But maybe that's why Father always scares me. I'm just always waiting for someone's hand to fly up...

Um, I don't want to talk about it.

Anyway, I fell asleep in the Chapel last night, and woke up with an imprint of my rosary on my cheek. It was so embarassing! So as soon as I cleaned up, I just went back to the Chapel, because I couldn't bear even the thought of Mother Frangelico's comments or Father's baleful stare.

And it was their silence, more than anything, that scared me. NO ONE was saying ANYTHING! And that's worse than the arguing, and I knew that I was at fault for all of this.

But then Brother Brit came home from his retreat, and I couldn't even LOOK at him when he came into the Chapel. And he didn't say anything, at first, but his silence wasn't like Mother's silence or Father's silence. It was different. He didn't even know what was going on. And he didn't avoid me. He actually came and knelt down beside me, and still didn't say anything.

And then he took out his rosary and even though I still couldn't even look at him, I understood that he was asking if I wanted to pray it with him, so I did..I was still holding mine. And we prayed the Sorrowful Mysteries, and then a Divine Mercy. And a couple other prayers.

Then he finally asked me what happened, because I think he realized I wasn't going to say anything. And I couldn't. And even with his question I almost still couldn't. But finally I explained that I wanted to be a priest and how everything had blown up.

He was actually really nice about it, and didn't really react at all, just asked me why I thought I wanted to become a priest. So I told him, and he asked a few other questions. And I kept waiting for him to get upset, but he didn't.

So then Brother Brit explained the reasons why I can't become a priest - and he already told you what he said. And tonight, when doing dishes, he explained more and told me where I can go and read some more about it. What he said makes sense, and I wouldn't argue with even a word of what he told me!

But I think it might be too late. I think that I'm going to get kicked out of the Monastery, and I think that's why Mother Frangelico and Father haven't been speaking.

I don't know what I'd do if I got kicked out. I don't have anywhere to go. And I think Father hates me.