It's Like Breaking Up!

It's been really quiet around here, so sorry for that, from all of us, but we've all been away taking advantage of a "down time", visiting communities and stuff. And because some of what we do is s personal and private, it's just not something we write on the blog. Sometimes it's hard to keep the real "hard core" stuff to ourselves instead of blabbing it to the world.

But it's been a couple weeks now, and Mother Frangenico told me to write my experience, and I think I can do it without revealing the deepest things that stay between her and I.

Anyway...she finally said I was ready to visit a community for a "come and see" weekend, and it was one that the Sisters did publicly. Some of them are just for specific discerners, maybe on this or that weekend, but often they have them for "whoever" and that's what I attended. The more "private" ones tend to be for those who are discerning to that particular community...and the community agrees.

Well, it's one I was really interested in, had everything I wanted, was absolutely amazing, so I was SO EXCITED to be there! When I got there, it was just in time for Vespers and the Rosary, and I loved the silence over dinner while we listened to Spiritual Readings. And I got along GREAT with the Sisters! It was so homey to me!

Well, I left that weekend, but went back a couple weeks later, which was just a week ago. And it was just as wonderful, without all the others around. And we all got on great, and I was thinking this was finally "Home" for me! I loved Mother Mary Paul, and Sister Therese Frassati, and Sister Maria Caritas! We had such a blast, and all seemed to be going so well!

But I met with Mother, and...they don't feel I am called to their Community. She was really nice about it, and gave me kleenexes and stuff, but said that they think my "charisms" are not suited to their community, and that I would be happier and fulfill God's will somewhere else...and gave me a few suggestions.

And I couldn't stop crying. I only cried a little there, but mostly after I got back to the Monastery here. It's like I broke up with a fiance! His family doesn't like me!

* sniffle *

I can't believe they don't want me! I mean, we got along so well, we had a great time, prayer was wonderful...! Why don't they want me???????

If anyone is looking for me, I'll either be in my cell or in the chapel. I'm not hungry so don't look for me at dinner.

* sniffle *
*

Cemetary Cleanup

Well, I, for one, am THRILLED that Sr. Maxine isn't going to be around for a week! She's been teasing me mercilessly about going to Hell for thinking priests are cute.

And for the record, I don't think ALL priests are cute, just SOME of them! And that's all I'll say for now!

So...anyway...on with what we REALLY did today...

Around our unnamed Monastery, we do a lot of work outside on Saturdays, and our biggest project is the cemetary. We've whacked all the weeds, and today, Brother Brit, Brother Gus, and Father went to work on cutting down small trees that have grown around the gravestones and they used the weed-wacker to get rid of a lot of the weeds that hide the snakes. Some of the graves are really sunken in, so we have to be really careful about walking around. And in all our chopping, we found an even OLDER section that's barely marked! And that area is really treacherous so Father told us not to go in there at all for now, and we'll all tackle it as a group. And he has some concerns about some other things, but I saw he and Sister Perpetua exchange a "look" so I think something is up.

Well, we are working on re-setting stones, and we're going to work on some landscaping and try to find out who's really buried there so we can pray for them and maybe even contact their families, if it's possible. It's such an old cemetary that we think there's a good chance that there are descendents out there who may be interested in our work here on behalf of those people who went before them. And maybe we'll open the cemetary to the public; right now it's cut off from the public because it's part of the monastery grounds but we might be able to construct a fence or something.

Later in the day, Father left for some other obligations, and Mother Frangelico had to return some phone calls so it was me, Sr. Max, Br. Brit, and Br. Gus in the cemetary. We were really hot, really tired, and all of us really dirty from all the hard work. Well, Sr. Max and Br. Gus were working on one project, and the next thing I knew, something came sailing through the air and landed on my shoulder...a really HUGE spider!

I completely freaked out, started screaming, and ran away into the part of the cemetary that we were told not to go into. I didn't really realize I was going there, and as I ran, Br. Brit actually tried to stop me, and he did brush the big spider off. He was yelling something, but I couldn't tell what he said, and Sister Max and Brother Gus were laughing.

Then I remember stepping down and the ground sorta "crumbled" and I fell and there was this terrible pain! I fell so hard that for a minute I didn't realize what happened. I was all by myself in the woods, and I saw the spider was gone, but I was in a bunch of weeds and brush, and buckthorn! I'd stopped just short of the buckthorn, but it scratched me up pretty good, anyway.

I tried to get up but the ground was still crumbling, and my ankle hurt terribly and couldn't put any weight on it. I didn't want to yell anymore, becuase I figured they would just think I was screaming about bugs again, so I should just get myself out. But I COULDN'T! I couldn't walk and the only thing around me to grab was the buckthorn! And I didn't want to scoot across the crumbling grave...the idea of falling into it with sunset approaching was just awful. And there weer storms coming, too!

But then I heard Sister Maxine yelling for me, and she wasn't laughing, but I didn't trust her, so I didn't say anything. (Well, I did say something under my breath but that's between me and my confessor!)

And then I heard Brother Brit, and he's never laughed at me, so I did answer him, and both he and Sister Maxine were pushing through the brush. I was really embarassed and explained that I couldn't get up, and Sister Maxine went as white as Sister Perpetua. She and Brother Brit helped me up and when we came out of the woods, Brother Gus, seeing that I couldn't put any weight on my foot, told me that he would help Brother Brit carry me inside but I refused. I preferred to hop as well as I could, and told them that it was fine, I just needed some ice and it would be fine by morning. I don't think anyone believed me, though.

Sister Maxine was very sorry, the spider was fake, and she had no idea I'd go running into the thicket. Brother Brit had seen right away that the spider was fake, but I was too fast as I ran past him.

Well, we hopped into the Monastery, and even Brother Gus and Sister Perpetua followed. Mother was busy, so Brother Gus went and grabbed the ice, and Sister Maxine put a pillow under my foot. It was really painful, and my whole ankle was all bruised-looking and swollen and just moving it almost made me cry, but I didn't want to cry so I didn't.

Brother Brit told me that he thought we should get Mother Frangelico because he thought I should go to the hospital for X-rays. But I didn't want to go. But everyone else agreed. And Sister Maxine and Brother Gus were REALLY REALLY sorry, and said it was their fault, and they would drive me if Mother Frangelico said it was OK to take the car.

Just then, Mother Frangelico came out, thinking to go outside to tell us to come in because of a severe thunderstorm warning (it was a little late...it was already hailing by then, glad we were inside!), and saw the whole situation.

And she said that as soon as the storm let up, we were going to the hospital, and that was the end of the story. So, we went, and it's just a bad sprain but now I'm on crutches! I was going to go on a Nun Run this week (the kind where you visit convents, not where you run miles and miles), but now I can't go until this heals up.

We ran into Father at the hospital..that was one of his obligations. He visits the hospital on Saturday evenings, and nursing homes and stuff, and just happened to walk into the ER just after we got there.

That's a different story. They gave me some medication for pain so now I'm really tired and I'm going to go to sleep now.

I don't know what to do!

Some of this comes from a comment I made to Mother Frangelico about priests, and some of this is advice I got from other people. I'm so sorry about the jumble, but I have so many questions I don't even know where to go first!

ADVICE FROM THE LETTERS:

So, anyway, I got a bunch of letters this week from friends, and people from my church. And they have all sorts of advice. My friends tell me about the habits and they sent me emails with links to different communities, and I know and love those habits. And so they've told me I should make sure I like the habit because I'll be spending my life wearing it! And so I've been looking around for habits I like, and found a few...the Sisters of Life, and the Dominicans - the ones who wear habits, that is. I like habits and won't really consider a community that doesn't have them. Because most of them just look like my grandmother and I don't want to look like my grandmother yet. (I think those "habit-less communities DO have a habit, though...pantssuits. And I think their understanding of God follows their lack of fashion sense!)

So then another friend told me to look at other things, like what they do, or don't do. And so I've been looking at all the apostolates, and I'm so confused because I want to do all of it and maybe have in some senses! But there's so much!

And everyone is back to telling me different things, and one friend says to look at the spiritualities and the charisms, and others say the same thing, but they all say different things all at the same time! One says I'm Benedictine, another says I'm Franciscan, others like the Dominicans, others like the Augustinians...and it just goes on! And one friend things I should quash it all and become a RABBI!

I don't want to be a Rabbi! And someone else said I should start an Ashram and build a labyrinth and be a yoga guru. I don't want to do ANY of those things! But some of the religious communities out there DO want to do those things! (I don't think they're Catholic even though they say they are...)

Anyway, it's so confusing! So where do I start?

THINKING PRIESTS ARE CUTE AND WHERE IT LEADS

And then...well, I'm worried about thinking priests are cute. Because let's face it, some of them are really cute! So...is it a sin to think a priest is cute? Do I have to go to confession if I think a priest is cute, if I have no intention of taking that further than realizing that God does good work and the view is good at Mass?

Oh, dear, don't misconstrue that!

This is just getting worse and worse and worse! It MUST be a sin, because I'm now saying things I didn't intend to say!

So...do I have to go to Confession for thinking a priest is cute? If I do, what if the priest I go to is the one I thought was cute? Because sometimes they have their names on the confessional, but it's someone else, or it just says "visitor" and it's a different parish but that cute priest is the visiting one? Even if I go behind a screen and realize that's the priest, how can I confess that I think he's cute? He would take it wrong and it would sound like I was hitting on him in Confession!

I would NEVER do that! Oh my goodness, I would DIE if he thought I was doing that! And it would be awfullly hard for him, too, because then he'd feel very awkward, and the Sacrament is very serious, and then he'd be embarassed. And I'd be embarassed. And if he knew it was me, I'd never be able to talk to him ever again because I just couldn't get over that!

And even if the cute priest I was worried about was not the same one I was confession to, but THAT priest was really cute, wouldn't it be like the same thing?

Oh, dear, I wish priests weren't cute! Or good-looking in any way. Now I have to go to Confession and I'd rather confess to murder.

Hey! That's an idea! Mother Frangelico and Father, if I confess to murder, even though I haven't killed anyone, would God give me credit for that confession even though he would realize that I only thought a priest was cute. Or is robbing the priesthood worse than murder, because isn't thinking a priest is cute a slippery slope that can lead to robbing the priesthood, leading to him leaving his vows for me and then depriving people of the sacraments?

Oh, dear, I'm going to HELL!

Nervous

On Monday, I have to go talk to Father. I asked to do so, and I think he kinda has an inkling as to what it's about, but every time I think of talking about it, I just start shaking. It's kinda like how it was when I hadn't been to Confession in a really long time, but, this is worse.

I talked to Mother about it a little, and she was very understanding, but recommended I keep my meeting with Father; she thinks it's important that I do, and she told me to be open and honest, too.

But it's stuff I've never talked about, and even Mother Frangelico doesn't know all of it. And maybe it's not a big deal and I'm just building it up and scaring myself. Or maybe not. But one thing Mother said is that I have to talk about it to them, when I think I'm ready, because I have to learn to trust them.

And that's it, right there! I have a hard time trusting people. But already in starting to talk to Mother Frangelico, when I couldn't say anymore or just couldn't, she just told me it was OK and I didn't have to continue. And she said Father will be the same way and won't force me to say more than I'm comfortable in saying. But she said they're there to help.

And I know that's true. But just the idea of bringing this up makes me want to leave the monastery so that I don't have to talk about it. But I know that would be wrong and I'm safer here than I've ever been anywhere else.

You'd think an adult woman wouldn't agonize over something that probably happens to a lot of people (because no one comes from perfect families!). So I'm really scared to go talk to Father but maybe I really do have to, and maybe it won't be so bad as I think.

He's gone this weekend, and so is Brother Brit, so I've just been thinking about things and trying to calm myself down. It helps that the weather is nice and so Mother Frangelico and I spent the afternoon outside doing some yard work and weeding and stuff like that.

I should go..it's time for night prayer and I'm late! Good night!

I'm so Embarassed!

Well, Mother Frangelico explained to me that a "Nun Run" is not a type of marathon. Well, not the kind you run in anyway. So the good news is that I don't have to go into serious training for it.

Basically, a Nun Run can be anything from a day-long visit to several communities, or it could be maybe a week long or so, visiting different communities, maybe one per day, especially if there's a lot of travel between them. Sometimes they stay overnight at one place and then another. So it's all in how it's set up.

I'm kinda sad I won't be getting my running shoes out again, though. But happy my rosary will stay active!

Improving

This morning after prayer, Mother and I had a long conversation while preparing breakfast, and she explained a few more things, and gave me a book to read. It's not very long, and I've already started it: "The Privilege of Being a Woman" by Alice von Hildebrand. She said the book will help me understand who I am as a woman.

Then she explained that Father doesn't hate me, and she'd spoken with him, and that he wanted me to come to his office after breakfast. So I went, and my heart was in my throat. I was so certain he was going to kick me out! But Father said right away that he'd seen the comment that I'd made and that I should know first of all that he most certainly doesn't hate me, and secondly, that being confused isn't grounds for dismissal. Then he quizzed me on what Brother Brit had said, and made sure I understood why women can't become priests. And I DO understand now, and I'm OK with that.

And we even joked around a little bit about the women who think they're priests are are going around wearing colored garbage bags.

But then he got serious again, and he apologized for shouting and for being so angry. And he said that he didn't want me to leave the monastery, especially because of him and his temper.

After that, he kinda tried to get me to talk more about my family, growing up, and stuff. But I almost started crying and couldn't speak at all so I just shook my head and refused to talk about it. And he said he understood and that maybe he shouldn't have asked, especially considering that he has a lot to make up for right now. But he said (real nicely) that his door is always open and I can come talk to him any time. And that before I make announcements maybe it would be better to make sure he and Mother Frangelico know about what I'm thinking before I do anything, including writing about it. And I agreed. The whole thing could have been avoided if I were just a bit more prudent.

But I feel a whole lot better now, and the monastery seems like it's peaceful again.

OK! I'm going to go to the chapel and tell Jesus that we're all friends again!

Uncertain Future

Well, ever since my "announcement", the world has been in an uproar. I spent most of last night and today in the chapel, praying.

No, really, I was crying most of the time...I couldn't even pray!

Father was shouting, Mother was shouting, and I had nowhere to go! So I went to Jesus, but it was so much like how I grew up, and I just kept waiting for something to come flying through the air to hit me.

Oh, I know that Mother Frangelico and Father would never do that, but, well...I just don't want to talk about it. I've never spoken of it. I don't want to start now. But maybe that's why Father always scares me. I'm just always waiting for someone's hand to fly up...

Um, I don't want to talk about it.

Anyway, I fell asleep in the Chapel last night, and woke up with an imprint of my rosary on my cheek. It was so embarassing! So as soon as I cleaned up, I just went back to the Chapel, because I couldn't bear even the thought of Mother Frangelico's comments or Father's baleful stare.

And it was their silence, more than anything, that scared me. NO ONE was saying ANYTHING! And that's worse than the arguing, and I knew that I was at fault for all of this.

But then Brother Brit came home from his retreat, and I couldn't even LOOK at him when he came into the Chapel. And he didn't say anything, at first, but his silence wasn't like Mother's silence or Father's silence. It was different. He didn't even know what was going on. And he didn't avoid me. He actually came and knelt down beside me, and still didn't say anything.

And then he took out his rosary and even though I still couldn't even look at him, I understood that he was asking if I wanted to pray it with him, so I did..I was still holding mine. And we prayed the Sorrowful Mysteries, and then a Divine Mercy. And a couple other prayers.

Then he finally asked me what happened, because I think he realized I wasn't going to say anything. And I couldn't. And even with his question I almost still couldn't. But finally I explained that I wanted to be a priest and how everything had blown up.

He was actually really nice about it, and didn't really react at all, just asked me why I thought I wanted to become a priest. So I told him, and he asked a few other questions. And I kept waiting for him to get upset, but he didn't.

So then Brother Brit explained the reasons why I can't become a priest - and he already told you what he said. And tonight, when doing dishes, he explained more and told me where I can go and read some more about it. What he said makes sense, and I wouldn't argue with even a word of what he told me!

But I think it might be too late. I think that I'm going to get kicked out of the Monastery, and I think that's why Mother Frangelico and Father haven't been speaking.

I don't know what I'd do if I got kicked out. I don't have anywhere to go. And I think Father hates me.