I was going to wait because Sister Maxine posted, and then Sister Perpetua (and she NEVER speaks!) and then Mother Frangelico..TWICE! But maybe I owe an explanation, so here it is.
I'm sorry I've seemed so rude over the last several days. I was just confused again. And Mother Frangelico and Father, I'm sorry I didn't come to you first.
Here's what happened: I was praying in the chapel, and I've had a few friends enter cloistered communities. I received a letter from one of them this week. It was a wonderful letter and sounds like a great life. She's very happy. And I thought that I haven't really considered the cloister, so I prayed about it. And over a few days, the more I prayed, the more I thought God was calling me to really consider the cloistered communities.
I didn't want to go to Mother Frangelico or Father about this, well, because I was so unsure, and things around here were crazy. So I wanted to get away. And the more I prayed, the more I thought about what a big deal it was. To die to the world, leave EVERYTHING behind. I don't mind leaving my family behind so much...I already talked about that. But everyone here has really become a family to me, and I'd really miss ALL of them, but they're not my real family so I'd have no one to write to. Because in a cloister you're really limited to write to people even though you can receive letters. But I decided that that was an attachment and so I should be willing to let my new "family" go.
And then I realized that maybe God was calling me to lay down my life for my real family. Because, if I gave my life to God, maybe they could be saved. And that's a big weight to carry and I started to think that if I said "no" to God, my real family might go to Hell...and it would be my fault.
And that really scared me, and so I wanted to take time to think about it away from everything here.
And...well...I didn't think anyone here would take me seriously. So I thought maybe I should be more serious. Because if I was Trappist or Carthusian it would be so hard and I'd have to be quiet all the time. It was so HARD to be quiet all the time! You have NO IDEA how hard it was for me to be silent!
So I went on retreat and it was easier to be quiet with no one around, but it was still really hard because, well, I sing all the time and imitate the birds when I'm in the woods (stop lauging, Sr. Maxine!), and I even talk to myself all the time! And it was a horrible strain! But I decided I could do it for Jesus if that's what he was asking. I'd have to shut up for LIFE, not just having "grand silence" after 11 like we do. I really did plan to talk to Mother Frangelico when I got back, because she was in a cloister.
And then Father T. came up to talk to me because he recognized me and it was SO HARD not to talk to him! I actually wanted to give him a big hug, because, well, he's a large guy and any hug with him is big, but also because he was wonderful at my parish and I haven't seen him in so long! So it was so hard to be quiet and cloister-like! Because I knew I'd never be able to hug anyone ever again, either! And I'd probably never see him again! But he told me I HAD to come in and speak with him, and I knew I had to be obedient, so I agreed.
I don't know why, but every time I'm so deadly serious about something and I tell them, they start coughing and wiping their eyes. I must make people allergic or something.
Anyway, finally I told Fr. T. what I was thinking about, he thought it was wonderful I was discerning but said I should talk to Mother Frangelico and Father about it because that's the whole reason I'm here. And he realized my goal was not to speak to him (Fr. T.) but to them, but he said that they were worried. So I did talk to him because I'm sorry I worried everyone! He suggested I call Mother Frangelico myself, so I did.
And she didn't laugh at me, although she coughed a little (I'm worried about MOTHER! She coughes reallly hard almost EVERY TIME I talk to her!), and told me to speak to them when I get back. So I did, and they cleared a few things up. Maybe I should write about that later.
It's nice to be home, and I feel a lot better now. And it was nice to see Fr. T. again.
And appaently I'm supposed to help Sister Maxine learn to cook, so I'm going to sleep early as we have to get up to prepare breakfast. And she doesn't know ANYTHING!