Sunday, June 1, 2008

Shadows and Goth


Mother Frangelico and Father and everyone else have been after me to write down my story. Most of them have. I think it's boring. Usually, I just write free-verse poetry, and I used to go to poetry slams where I lived before, but I guess I don't get to do that now. And that's fine. They're just a bunch of posers, anyway.

I'm a Goth, and I don't remember when I started being Goth. It's nothing scary, and there are different degrees of goth, ranging from a style of dress to getting into vampire stuff (the human kind, stuff I'd rather not discuss here), and other things. It's not all occult, but there's a lot of occult with it, and I'm willing to admit I got into the occult thing.

Mostly for me, though, it was about the clothing. I usually wore all black, but otherwise I liked big dramatic colors. My hair is actually naturally very dark but I've been dying it ebony black for years now, sometimes have tipped it in neon-like red. And I am naturally very pale. I'm actually almost allergic to the sun so I've always had to cover my skin or I burn on the spot.

Anyway, my family was pretty normal but my parents just worked all the time so I found stuff to get involved in. I liked theatre, but preferred to do stuff in the background. And I got into costuming especially, and makeup. I was considering that as a career, and even did a stint in New York on Broadway as an internship through Juliard. Yeah..I went to Juliard. So what?

Well, I said my family was "normal" but that was outside of their "careers". Mom was a fortune-teller in the Dells in Wisconsin during the summer. The rest of the year she worked in the library at a school, but in the summer we all packed off and lived in a Queen Anne bed-and-breakfast in the Dells. Dad ran the business. Mom did her own thing in a parlour down the street. She was a Christian lady, though, and gave the people who came to her a lot of "Jesus-talk".

When I got older, I got into her business, too, and did palm readings, I read auras and did aural photography, and on Hallowe'en we always did seances and stuff. I also got into Tarot cards, although Mom wasn't thrilled with that, said they were tools of the devil, and she was right.

I got really addicted to the cards..it got so I'd use them every day to tell me what to do for the day, and they were really accurate about things. And that's the danger. That's why she wanted me to stay away from them, but she didn't even know I had them. I actually drew my own cards, and she didn't know it.

Around that time I got into Wicca, and Mom wouldn't have approved of that either, but I kept going to Church with her. She was Catholic, but in her own past had exposure to Voodoo and Santaria and some other weird religions, and some Sisters she knew actually taught her Reiki and the like, so that was her birth into the occult. Some of the Sisters even came to her for readings, and I did some of the readings of Mom was busy and the entire "convent" was there and she needed help. That was my first exposure to religious life.

I used to talk to the Sisters about Wicca, and they were already turned on to it, actually directed me to a coven locally. They weren't involved in the coven themselves, but some of the coven came to the Sister's retreats and stuff, and were speakers. Starhawk was a big speaker there, talked about the Sacred Feminine and Gaia and stuff, and it was fascinating to me. The Sisters had me visit them a couple times and I wandered through their labryrinth so I could discover myself and my own inner diety, and the spark of the divine that we all were supposed to have.

Well, even the Sisters warned me away from tarot and they didn't know I was already doing it. After that, I started using a ouija board, and really weird things started happening. I used it in our house, and in a nearby old cemetary, with the people I knew. Some of the women in my coven knew we were playing with ouija and they warned us away, but we kept up. And that lead into some dabbling in voodoo and the like. We found a Voodoo priestess once on a trip to Louisiana and she gave us some tips and even guided us in a seance using the board.

I'd rather not talk too much about the weird things, but I started getting really angry and I started cutting on myself. It wasn't because I wanted to...it was because I was completely compelled to do it. Against my will. And sometimes slashes would appear even if I didn't do it myself.

They put me in a psych hospital at first, thinking I was suicidal, but really I wasn't. I was terrified, but I didn't know how to tell everyone what was happening. It was a great irony; here we were, an occult family, but no one would believe me that I saw demons. They thought I was mentally ill. Mom thought that what she was doing wasn't real and that it was just entertainment. And I thought the same thing until I learned otherwise.

Well, they decided I was "sane" and let me out, but then finally an aunt suggested my Mom take me to a priest. She didn't want to go, but the aunt persisted and drove us. to the church, maybe an hour away. I don't remember most of the trip...for some reason I blacked out completely.

I do remember candles and the priest talking to me, and a sensation that my skin was burning, and I remember saying some really awful things that I never wanted to say to ANYONE. I can't remember a lot of it. But I do remember being really sweaty and tired, and waking up and everyone looked sweaty and tired, and the priest was really pale himself. But there was a strange feeling of freedom. And they asked me to go to Confession, so I spoke to the priest for awhile. There wasn't really any prep..he just kinda talked me through it, and asked about all the occult activities and such. I was afraid to speak about some of it, because Mom had really gotten me into it but then Father had told me that he'd already spoken with my Mom, and that no matter what I said he wouldn't be able to say anything to her and he wouldn't judge her, either because this was about the life I was living. So I told him what I remembered and what I'd done and how it happened. I think we talked for over an hour.

He told me to get a Spiritual Director, and referred me to someone who specialized in this sort of thing, because he said it was like an addict; I had to be accountable or I'd be back on his doorstep. I wasn't really understanding whta he was saying and he knew it and told me I'd understand more later. And that I could call him or come see him if I had any other questions. And he made sure Mom had his number, too.

That's all I'll say for now. I'm still Goth, but I'm not into all that stuff. Maybe I'll talk about it more later, but not now.

3 comments:

Sister Caprice said...

Oh, wow FREAK-Y!

So, like, you are from a family of gypsies?

Sister Perpetua said...

Um...no. Just a weird family that otherwise looked normal.

Mother Frangelico said...

That's a wonderful beginning, dear, but of course everyone is wondering how you went from an exorcism to...community hopping! I hope you write the rest soon!